Celebrity Sex Tape Review (with video screenshots!) | Points in Case
When can uber-hobbit Vern Troyer be lumped into a category with luminescent stars like Pamela Anderson, Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian, Colin Farrell and even Marilyn Monroe? When we're talking about celebrity sex tapes of course! Each one of these glittering bungholes has
!
Back in the 90s, the thought of famous people bumping uglies on camera was uncommon and scandalous, reserved for a few brave trail blazers. In today's "who cares!" climate, everyone from Helen Mirren to Ben Stein are posting videos of their
online-- ohhhh, excuse me, rather, "
thieves " are breaking into their homes and stealing " personal home movies ."
Damn you, thieves!
The modern day Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor star in this romantic honeymoon sex tape. Pam and Tommy are the classic, the original sex tape pioneers. In the tape it's clear that these two are really in love; it's like
From Here to Eternity ...with penetration. Tommy Lee likes to flop his weiner around, say the F word, and film Pam's beaver. Pam enjoys sipping champagne, taking refreshing dips in the sea, and trying to keep the camera out of her beaver.
Squirm in horror as Mini-Me tongues a bushy-eyebrowed she-male in the sack. Let's hope he fed her a heaping dose of ludes and she wasn't actually enjoying this atrocious groping sober. The full tape hasn't hit the internet yet (I can't wait any longer!), but the makeout sesh is enough to make you
and take off running next time you spot a midget. I'll never look at Willow the same way again!
*Yawn* Booooooooooring. One would think a hunk like Colin Farrell would do some dazzling acrobatics in the sack. One would be wrong. The only noteworthy item about this tape is the massive bush on that Irish bastard. It's huge! The tape features a five-minute lecture by the GF, telling him to trim his wild pubic rainforest. Colin, in turn, whines and says he's too busy. The weenus hedge is so overflowing that she even gets pubes stuck in her teeth! Barf. Colin's career went in the shitter shortly after this tape was released.
Also boring. Paris would much rather clone herself and bump clams with the clone than interact with another person. Paris
to go answer her sparkly cell phone. It was probably Mary Kate with an 8-ball and
Full House DVDs.
Kim Kardashian & Brandy's Brother, Ray-Jay
Another boring one. Kim Kardashian (the Armenian Paris Hilton) lies there like a dead trout and giggles, "Ta he he, I'm shy!" Lame! Although it
did fail to entertain, this lackluster home movie somehow made Kim Kardashian a star.
According to the New York Post , an elderly pervert paid $1.5 million dollars for a 15-minute video of Marilyn Monroe giving a BJ to an anonymous male (Eisenhower? Mickey Rooney? Who??). He refuses to let anyone see it out of respect for Marilyn. How sweet!
» The Who-Wants-To-Watch-That? Sex Tape
These two are lame lame lame. He probably just did blow off of his dog tags while Lauren cried, painted her nails black and talked smack about Heidi's implants. Jason Waller is such a douche that he once chased my brother's ex-gf down a snowy street like a coked up zombie, screaming, "Do you have any idea who I am?!? Do you??!!" True story.
R. Kelly and Teen
Nobody's seen this dreaded golden shower because technically it's "child pornography." Lord knows I've searched through my child porn archives, but I just can't find it! R. Kelly, singer of
Trapped in the Closet , as well as other hits, takes a whiz on a 14-year-old girl.
There seems to be a delicate equilibrium to . If you're a legitimate movie star/singing sensation, a sex tape will send your career right into the crapper. If you're an attractive semi-civilian, a sex tape will rocket you right into reality-show fame. And if you're an extra small midget, you'll haunt my dreams forever.
We all play certain roles in life. Sometimes we are the caring friend, sometimes we are the sexual vixen. This would all be fine and swell if we didnt attach negative connotation to our roles. As we dance through our prime, sex and sexual encounters are going to plague our horny little minds, so why dont we enjoy it while it lasts? Stereotypes have ruined some of the most precious things in life. Us women have taken the stereotypical Manwhore and turned him into a beast who dictates the way we feel about ourselves. Ladies, we are doing more injustice to ourselves than to them by spoiling the title of the Manwhore.
We are all aware of the Manwhore. Is he tall, dark and handsome at your school? He exudes the confidence that makes terribly naughty things run through your mind during Bio Sci. Things that somehow turn otherwise sleep-inducing biological processes like advanced oxidation of organic contaminants into advanced seduction with erotic lubricants. He also happens to be the guy who hooked up with seven girls on your floor who all still want another piece of him. You know you shouldnt, but theres something a little too irresistible for you to contain yourself. So you set your trap, make your move and BAAM, six beers later, you and the Manwhore are going at it in his best friend's bedroom. Sooner or later, after hours of possible pleasure, you depart, your head raised a little higher than it was before, and his head hanging a lot lower than it was before.
Right now is the key moment when girls destroy the glory of the situation. You know he is a Manwhore, feel fortunate and walk away smiling. But no, at this point girls try to nest. They want the magic all over again, hell even on a regular basis. This is not a wise move for anyone. Clearly you're setting yourself up for disappointment by trying to secure a relationship of any kind with a Manwhore. In the end, women twist the situation into "
" or "he's not returning my phone calls because Im _____________ (insert whatever self-destructive adjective you use)," when in reality you could be walking on sunshine (provided it's still light outside).
The Manwhore's sole purpose in college is to raise your self-esteem. Not only did you receive a fun, flirtatious night that wound up going in your direction, but you got the satisfaction of knowing you still have some game in ya. You have plenty of game. Do you see him? Yes, that one youve conquered. In college, all we're really looking for is a cheap thrill... something to occupy our minds. Enjoy the four hours this fine specimen has taken to direct his energy at you and roll with the big boys. Take some charge and
that all the in your dorm are fantasizing about. Enjoy it and end it.
By no means should the Manwhore upset you. He was just doing his job, as dirty as it may be. You would be crazy if you called the plumber and got upset that he couldnt fix your refrigerator (literally speaking). Same with the Manwhore. Your outlook determines whether you feel empowered or used. So when dealing with the Manwhore, hold your head up proud, put a deserved notch in your belt and lock the memory in your spank bank.
Last but certainly not least, a special shout out to the Manwhore. You have received a bad name where it is not deserved. You are just as important as the long-term boyfriend. Being a female, I can assure you our self-esteems fluctuate and we need the occasional reminder we are a hot piece of ass. In the midst of image crisis, the security of the Manwhore is unbeatable. You reassure us we are sexy when we feel anything but that. So thank you Manwhore, from the women who look at the glass half full.
Gambling, Prostitution and Donald Trump | Points in Case
You have just entered room "Chat 40656156233922202798."
BobRooni has entered the room.
SlyKitty1980 has entered the room.
SlyKitty1980 (1:55:06 AM): hey! my great great
grandfather invented something probably, so lay off
courtjester5000 (1:55:21 AM): OUCH!
SlyKitty1980 (1:55:34 AM): hey, either cover your mouth or turn your head when you do
know you should get a chatroom when..." jokes?
BobRooni (1:55:47 AM): orr....
SlyKitty1980 (1:56:48 AM): haha!!
BobRooni (1:56:56 AM): i hope you find my jokes, fox
start throwing stones at your window.
BobRooni (1:57:09 AM): *loosens tie, head rolls off*
leave.
chatroom when someone tells you you should just leave.
SlyKitty1980 (1:57:45 AM): HAHA!!
(1:57:57 AM): so court, is this the dead guy?
SlyKitty1980 (1:57:59 AM): or what.
courtjester5000 (1:58:06 AM): yeah, amir died earlier
SlyKitty1980 (1:58:20 AM): ohhhh okay. gotcha.
BobRooni (1:58:42 AM): hey sly kitty got any pix!?
courtjester5000 (1:59:02 AM): a/s/l?
waiting to strip and degrade ourselves!
courtjester5000 (1:59:17 AM): hi room, 18/m/alabama
BobRooni (1:59:34 AM): gasp!
courtjester5000 (2:00:01 AM): did you get my freshman girls thing?
BobRooni (2:00:52 AM): wow, im fuckign good
SlyKitty1980 (2:01:02 AM): i'm too old, i don't know any freshman girls. i spend most of my
time in the abortion clinic, and the detox center
courtjester5000 (2:01:03 AM): damn, you got
BobRooni (2:01:31 AM): you like your methadone with fetii as well!?
SlyKitty1980 (2:01:32 AM): yeah i know. get a towel
SlyKitty1980 (2:01:39 AM): woooo!
BobRooni (2:02:12 AM): 11.
BobRooni (2:02:14 AM): 11.
courtjester5000 (2:02:20 AM): 11?
BobRooni (2:02:27 AM): JAYKAY!
courtjester5000 (2:02:33 AM): wtf was THAT!??
courtjester5000 (2:02:41 AM): i wanna gamble!!
courtjester5000 (2:02:54 AM): hell yeah!
*OnlineHost* (2:03:01 AM): Unknown "//" command.
BobRooni (2:03:04 AM): ew!
*OnlineHost* (2:03:05 AM): Unknown "//" command.
BobRooni (2:03:06 AM): sevens are gay!
courtjester5000 (2:03:16 AM): i tried, stop drop and roll
SlyKitty1980 (2:03:25 AM): your are almost touching. this is some sick shit
BobRooni (2:04:23 AM): SlyKitty1980 (2:04:35 AM): i don't know if i should click that.
courtjester5000 (2:04:44 AM): NICE GLASSES!
BobRooni (2:04:45 AM): if you do, we're marreid.
courtjester5000 (2:04:49 AM): oh shit.
SlyKitty1980 (2:04:58 AM): ha! court, you're so screwed
i.
BobRooni (2:05:20 AM): and id just say PERV!
BobRooni (2:05:29 AM): but... we all knew who the realist nigga was
SlyKitty1980 (2:06:17 AM): i don't know how to bot anything.
courtjester5000 (2:06:24 AM): god, you're
worthless.
courtjester5000 (2:06:31 AM): bot out.
SlyKitty1980 (2:06:33 AM): i know, but at least i'm cheap and slutty
courtjester5000 (2:06:38 AM): oh ok, stay.
SlyKitty1980 (2:06:42 AM): thanks.
NUTTY!?
BobRooni (2:07:24 AM): court: see, i told you this guy was a laugh a
courtjester5000 (2:07:35 AM): *sells you for $26,595 fully loaded*
BobRooni (2:07:40 AM): sly kitty: yah totally! most people dont like it when he
tries too hard to impress chicks, but im totally impressed
BobRooni (2:07:59 AM): me: shut up, faggot.
courtjester5000 (2:08:08 AM): werfless.
SlyKitty1980 (2:08:50 AM): humor is no laughing matter, you guys. you have noespect for
more like it.
BobRooni (2:09:29 AM): why, me P is already in there
courtjester5000 (2:09:36 AM): BURN!
BobRooni (2:09:40 AM): MEDIC!
SlyKitty1980 (2:09:43 AM): you boys must be lady killers!
BobRooni (2:10:11 AM): you can sweat from the burning the third degee, but if
BobRooni (2:10:45 AM): sly kitty, youre from the pacific northwest
BobRooni (2:10:46 AM): wanna date?
SlyKitty1980 (2:11:00 AM): sure. i'll be the one wearing a red carnation
SlyKitty1980 (2:11:11 AM): i'm in cali actually. but
from seattle. take notes, court
courtjester5000 (2:11:19 AM): shit.
BobRooni (2:11:27 AM): im IN CALI!
BobRooni (2:11:39 AM): like.
BobRooni (2:11:41 AM): where in cali?
SlyKitty1980 (2:11:48 AM): i can't resist your charms.
SlyKitty1980 (2:12:10 AM): ohhhh! jewelry trumps cereal!!!
BobRooni (2:12:22 AM): more like, DONALD TRUMPS CEREAl
BobRooni (2:12:31 AM): MEDIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111111
SlyKitty1980 (2:12:47 AM): court, can't you do something??
think of running away, marry me and run away
courtjester5000 (2:13:10 AM): oh shit, i shoulda been a cowboy.
courtjester5000 (2:13:11 AM): nevermind.
SlyKitty1980 (2:13:14 AM): well you did make the bracelet and all. (add that to the
SlyKitty1980 (2:13:52 AM): i'm in fresno, the armpit of california
BobRooni (2:14:05 AM): IM IN LOS ANGELES TOO!
courtjester5000 (2:14:18 AM): you guys should meet!
SlyKitty1980 (2:14:19 AM): whatever. i know you're barting it up over there
anyone?
courtjester5000 (2:14:32 AM): mar 5 or jan 19?
(2:15:29 AM): that's good.
courtjester5000 (2:15:35 AM): i prefer :-!
mouth.
BobRooni (2:16:18 AM): WHAT!? ARE YOU
SEIROUS!?
SlyKitty1980 (2:16:41 AM): i love guys with no sense of humor. also, really short
guys.
BobRooni (2:17:16 AM): Back: JAY KAY! (picture of ben folds with unfolded
SlyKitty1980 (2:17:30 AM): HAHA! the joke is about the band.
courtjester5000 (2:17:34 AM): oh.
BobRooni (2:17:39 AM): no, no its not
courtjester5000 (2:17:41 AM): nevermind, i dont get it.
BobRooni (2:17:42 AM): UGH!
courtjester5000 (2:17:46 AM): oh, ok i do!
BobRooni (2:17:49 AM): GOD PLEASE! SEND ME ACTORS!
BobRooni (2:18:13 AM): yah, theyre all GOVERNORS
NOW!
SlyKitty1980 (2:18:35 AM): wow.. i don't know which of you is luckier
BobRooni (2:18:40 AM): hey sly kitty, how is it youre a
girl, but make jokes like a guy
BobRooni (2:18:42 AM): ...funny.
BobRooni (2:19:03 AM): *reaches down your pants, pulls
BobRooni (2:19:04 AM): AH HAH!
courtjester5000 (2:19:19 AM): sly kitty, still got that
pic....ummm...nevermind.
courtjester5000 (2:19:44 AM): bobrooni, do you have any pix/
BobRooni (2:20:03 AM): or...
BobRooni (2:20:37 AM): i must warn you, ive got a boyish
BobRooni (2:20:42 AM): frankly, im a heart breaker
courtjester5000 (2:20:43 AM): sorry to ruin your dreams rooni, but this is a
room, not a city
man?
courtjester5000 (2:21:54 AM): WHAT DOES A BOY HAVE TO DO??
SlyKitty1980 (2:22:03 AM): i told you. five bucks
courtjester5000 (2:22:08 AM): im broke.
SlyKitty1980 (2:22:09 AM): alright.
BobRooni (2:22:12 AM): "all girls are prostitutes, just
SlyKitty1980 (2:22:49 AM): now i know why the girls love you boys. oh and don't forget "no
means yes, and yes means harder"
courtjester5000 (2:23:07 AM): sorry, that was her
BobRooni (2:23:15 AM): sarcastic feminist diatribes get me hard.
SlyKitty1980 (2:23:49 AM): yeah court. do it. DO
courtjester5000 (2:24:25 AM): amir is HIV positive, humor
BobRooni (2:24:37 AM): thats not cool man,
courtjester5000 (2:24:48 AM): shutup, you know your dying
SlyKitty1980 (2:24:49 AM): i told you. i don't do humor. but i do HIV for an
BobRooni (2:25:15 AM): but...
SlyKitty1980 (2:25:27 AM): it's okay court. you're sexy as all get-out.
SlyKitty1980 (2:25:34 AM): all.
SlyKitty1980 (2:26:55 AM): you know what's funny? football in the groin.
medication too amir?
football.... his groin... it works on so many levels!!"
BobRooni (2:27:24 AM): barny's movie had heart...
BobRooni (2:27:56 AM): im already dead.
courtjester5000 (2:28:02 AM): why do people say, the whole 9 yards
prettier than me? he has all that long brown hair
BobRooni (2:29:22 AM): hell yes, duckmans on
courtjester5000 (2:30:00 AM): a card!
courtjester5000 (2:30:05 AM): v-day card!
SlyKitty1980 (2:30:38 AM): really sweet ones. like "i want to fuck you hard and nice"
BobRooni (2:31:06 AM): and while the girl was a better kisser, the guy had a
SlyKitty1980 (2:31:33 AM): if i were going to kiss a guy, which i wouldn't, i would use a
courtjester5000 (2:31:48 AM): sars?
BobRooni (2:31:51 AM): FUCK!
BobRooni (2:32:16 AM): oh man, dilberts on after duckman
SlyKitty1980 (2:32:21 AM): nah. actually, i kiss boys. i use the surgical mask
BobRooni (2:32:42 AM): are you from fresno?
SlyKitty1980 (2:33:15 AM): that would be hot, court
SlyKitty1980 (2:33:34 AM): there's crime here. and criminology grad programs.
we don't have enough in seattle, no crim programs
AM): so in short, i came here for the high crime rates
BobRooni (2:33:54 AM): fresno state university?
SlyKitty1980 (2:34:40 AM): .
SlyKitty1980 (2:34:56 AM): yes. also we where trench coats.
don't.
girl walks in sexally, and theres an audio dubbing "she came into my life the same way a sperm whale enters adulthood. Powerfully"*
courtjester5000 (2:35:22 AM): do your hard classes end in 911?
SlyKitty1980 (2:35:37 AM): yes!
SlyKitty1980 (2:35:41 AM): or at least.. they will
BobRooni (2:36:08 AM): duckman is a detective!
courtjester5000 (2:36:39 AM): wow, amir thats what your
SlyKitty1980 (2:36:51 AM): no.
courtjester5000 (2:36:59 AM): eww, what if amir's dad is
your teacher....
BobRooni (2:37:04 AM): "my grandma passed away this weekend, she was 87 so,
BobRooni (2:37:22 AM): "yah im thinking it was rape. *longpause* please let
SlyKitty1980 (2:37:39 AM): haha!! that reminds me of my grandma's brutal
murder!
courtjester5000 (2:37:45 AM): no way!
SlyKitty1980 (2:37:53 AM): yeah! ah, memories..
