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karen en lot
ons leven
10-01-2010
i wish you the best
i had my time, i had my glorie, we had our moments we have our memories, does this mean you're moving on? i am not sure if i want you to. have you ever got the feeling your life would have been totaly diferent (better) when you idd something a little earlier? the 'wath if's are killing me, we were happy, and now, you are happy for both of us. is it selfish wanting to go back in time, stopping myself from killing the future,? every day i wake up and wonder if i am dreaming this, a nightmare that never ends. in my head we're still together, in reality I broke up, for reasons that don't make sence anymore. It seems that I am replaceable, but is she still the one? knowing you'll love her more then you ever loved me, I wish I could say she didn't love you back the way I did, but honestly, she never will, no matter how hard I try , things will never be the same, kissing her changed the life we have, or will have , I hope you love her, and that you are happy, because in any other way, I wouldn't survive the day
Everyone has got this feeling once, you have someone who loves you, but you think you see him as a friend, but when you think you gonna lose him, you begin to wonder if he wasn't more than just a friend. Well, i have this now.
'I just don't know what i feel right now. I know that you're way too good for me & that you'll never hurt me. But i don't know what i want, but please, in a mean time, you can't leave me, because if you do, i would be a mess. I feel way too much for you, but also way too less.
One thing is sure, i love you, but i just haven't figure the way i do out.'
I wish I could give you a magic wand, to turn everything like it was before. To give you your luck back. But sorry, i'm not a wizard or a fairy. I just want you to be happy, I only want to give some of my luck to you. But I guess this is how it suposse to be, you've to move on, but don't forget, i'll be next to you to survive the storm.
when i woke up this morning, there was something new, i looked up, and saw that everything was white. while i had been snoring, my whole world had been covered with a thick bed of snow, and as I looked through the window, I was wondering, why I was still inside, snow gives me a strange thrill, a vibe, it is crhistmass, and normally, where I live, there barely is snow, you could'nt call it snow 'cause it never is white, so now, I took of, went outside with a friend of mine, and we laughed like we hadn't laughed before, it remined me of those children you see in the movies, in the background, playing, having a snow-fight... and the mothers, worrying about getting a cold, but I didn't have much time to think, I didn't care actually, I just wanted some fun you know, and I got my fun :) now my vision is bright and shiny, and the snow colored the landscape as it cleared my head, for the first time in , well, a while, let's say, I could focus, and just not think about anything else that doesn't really matter :)
I guess everyone have this feeling once. The feeling that there isn't a leading light in your life. Everything is just dark, no points of lighting. Well, it's like a dark night, and you just don't see things clear anymore. You're like paranoid, you hear things that scare you. You hear things that make you shiver.You think you're alone in this wide world. But you've just got to look up and search the pointing lights. If you search good enough, you will find the little points of light, the stars. They will make you smile, even if it's just a second, just the feeling you're not alone. But stars won't make everything clear, you need a bigger light if you want to see things clear. You've got the find the moon. The moon can be your boyfriend, your mother, your little brother or your best friend. Well, I've got points of light, the stars. The stars are the smiles of children that are playing, hugs from the people I love.. They make me smile, they clear up my mind, even if it's just a second, they make the world not look that bad. But the moon is way much better. If you look outside at night and there is a moon, you see everything. Well, if I have my moon I see everything way much brighter. And every night has a moon, the moon isn't always that big. And there can be clouds too. But there are also moonless nights, then you've just got to make your own happiness. Make a fire to bright up your mind. My moon isn't always there, it isn't my boyfriend (baha, I don't even have one), it isn't my mother, it isn't my brother. It's you. You aren't always here but I know you are always there for me. Well, i've got stars i've got things to make a fire and i've got a moon. What else do you need?
you cut off all my nerves, so that I couldn't feel anything besides you, no pain, no happy, no sad. you took my mind, wrapped it around you, again and again, until I would have answerred your name, to any kind of question ( how are you? I'm Tristan, what's 2+2 ? Tristan, you get my point? and by the way, there is no Tristan, I always use codes to names, and if you thought that was a funny name, I wont tell you the real one, 'cause I don't know how to pronounce it in english ;)) you were everywhere, and nowhere, when I couldn't see you, I felt your presence, when I was sleeping, I dreamed about you, there was just so much of you in my life, I couldn't stop talking about you! you were it. all of it. and now, i sleep dreamless, i wake up, not even remembering what I dreamed about. this might sound normal to you, but allthough I never sleep much, I always remember my dream. or at least, I used to. you wrote me some letters , and if somebody would ask, I can tell what they said. but I woudln't because I treasure them too much. you weren't my romeo, because you weren't wrong, you didn't felt impossible to me, we weren't impossible anymore, but still crazy in love, so no romeo, more of a Tristan, you know what I mean, still wrong, but it feels right :) you deserve the most astonishing, breathtaking, happy-looking (and being ;)) , joke-making lovely girl, and I just didn't fit for the job, you earned a good year, surviving me ;) you need a bunch of happy people around you, you know, happy people should be around happy people, :D so happy newyear, I am kinda serious about it. I will never read this letter again, because I'm sure I would delete it, but this isn't about me :) and you know what, i am happy 2, you happy , me happy ;) you used to say :p. but promise me that you will not be as overpretecting ? it makes me feel worse, because I just want to laugh around you :) if that's not to much to ask, I'ld like it :) the laughing with you part (: now, I will end this letter, (something else then some hallmark card hein ? :p) with saying that all of this, our whole story, was suddenly, destroyed by me, you wont take credit. so don't keep searching for something you do wrong, there isn't, and there is not going to be. with gratitude
karen
you 'nd me, it was magic. we will always be magic,
now I know. the worst has yet to come. I wont regret saying this. I will regret for letting it swallow my thoughts for so lang. time has past, but nothing has changed.It would, they promised. months, this thought overrules all other things swimming in my mind, and even when I tried as hard as I do, I ould never focus. this thing keeps crawling to the centre of the attention, of my attention.
Nothing has changed, and sometimes I doubt the fact wether that is a good nor a bad habbit I have. should i leave erverything behind, and focus on the future, admitting that I might be a coward. or worse, that I would turn out normal, and knowing that worrying for the last months had no point. but what if I go, this step in a dark room (or place, you know, I don't know what it's like, or I wouldn't be calling it 'the unknown' right?) and the door closes behind my back, there always are people shutting doors, but who will assure me that others will open new ones?good doors, let's call them that way ;) and if friends will stab me in the back, will I be brave enough to bear with the pain, will it be OK to suffer, for the greater good? for the future? being as ignorant as I am , right now, it is one of the most irritating things to feel, and certainly when I am tired. tired of needing help and always have to support on the same people, tired of fearing that my home-base (that's what I call them, and no, they're not my 'direct family' though I could consider them as family) are getting tired of this wrack. I used to be quit vital, you know? the type that never gets bored singing the same song. OK I sometimes had a bad mood in the morning, but ya know, a regular kid, just growing up. and then things got 'complicated'. with the whole growing up -thing, I could live, it was natural, but this? I should be damn happy, I have every reason to! and still I've got a strange crawling on my back, and scaring the hell out of me when I'm alone at night. (I have sleeping-issues ;))
is it a strange thing if I call music a door to me? it helps you know. And although I would never admit it in public, i think I can sing, just a note or 2, and when I'm sad, or just tired, r angry (wich happens a lot, i've got quit a bad mood ;)) it keeps me warm,
but the second and more important door is ... you, keep open, keep saving me, be my light in the dark room/space thing, right? i will be yours
we ignore those who adore us, adore those who ignore us, hurt those who loves us and love the ones who hurt us?
Did you ever got the feeling of impotency? the feeling that you just want to do something but you can't? Well, I guess that's the story of my life. I was always trying to be good, didn't I? Well, why goes everything wrong? Why can't there be just one spark of light? I've always be a believer but when I thought things can't get worse, well, believe me, they can. And I tried to move on everytime, but it became difficult. Because all those things destroyed my hope again. I want to give my life to the ones I love, just to know that they won't die, but I guess that's not the solution. If santa claus existed I would know what to ask: 'the strenght to go on, twice', and I'd pack it in a box wrapped in a beautiful string, underneath the Christmas tree. But that's not going to happen. I'll just move on, I'll survive, like everyone expect.
every great love story has a great end. remember romeo and juliette? well, it didn't work out for them, it didn't work out for me. However , I do not fear love, and I will not regret every single minute that I was in love before.
But still, I am sorry, for not knowing this would hurt you this much, if I had known, I think I hadn't started this in the first place, we would be 2 people, living a normal live, thinking we are happy. But that's the thing, we aren't , we were more than happy, but once you met happy, you never want to go back, and now, we're back, to the 'normal' part, but it feels worse, and it doesn't get any better, and i wish i wans't this selfish. because if i had known i don't think i would be able to stop myself, because i didn't want to just be happy, i wanted you. and maybe it is for the best that it is done, but however i don't want you to move on, i don't want to move on, but i don't want to go back, i am here, in the middle of two happy places, and i don't want you to be here to, but being here alone, it's scaring the hell out of me.
Do you know a person that makes you smile from the first till the last second they talk to you? Do you know the feeling of missing a piece, that you're not complete? Do you know nostalgia, every time you think about it, you just want to go back? Well, that's how i feel at the moment. And no, it isn't because the boy don't want me. It's just that I feel terrible, I miss you so much. You just can't image. Some people need to be every day together and then they say 'we are best friends forever'. And the next day they are enemies. Well, I don't need to be every day with you, and tomorrow we won't be enemies. We are just, hmm, us. We don't need words for it. It's just a feeling, something that comes straight from my heart. The way you listen to me, no one can do the same. And that's why I can say that we are 'best friends forever'. But some people don't see the meaning of that. So I just say : 'we are Karen and Lot'. And do you know that all my friends know who you are? And how amazing you are? They try to understand the 'Karen and Lot'-thing, but they just can't, only we can do that. And don't lose your hope, please, because if the hope dissapear, you will do the same. They just don't see like I see, maybe it's because of the glasses, maybe it's because Oost-Vlaanderen see things different than over there. But you've got to know, we'll get through this.
I can conclude this with 'i love you'. But I love you don't make sense. So I say : 'Karen and Lot' and only you will understand. YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
when the end is near, animals see things coming, dogs bark, fish swim, birds fly away, how come, that people never see things coming, when we really don't want to hurt the people we love, do we need to prepare them for the bad news? or is that just some stupid excuse we make to make us feel better ? or do we need to wait en see, how they react? or is that cruel? and, is there any other option left? I tried, the warning thing, and it didn't work. maybe it is just the way it should be, bad things happen, and you just have to face them, like you need to do with fear.
i broke up, he didn't see it coming, neither did I. i talked about being together, but in fact I was hoping for the whole 'happy-end' thingy, well, some people 'helped' me through, but I think I should be doing this allone, cause, it is my problem, and not being sure about my decision was the worst part yet. some say that true love never dies, but then is my question, how do you know? everybody has their own opinion about me, and about breaking up, and i am kinda glad i don't have to hear them all, cause it would make me feel worse, lot helped me through, but only we could really know what i need. i suck in those things, but, as a letter to you, i will say , you don't, so please keep saving me? :) how do you know when i need you, the most :p most of the time, i get by, but when you stop calling, i'll be lonely again, so thanks, because right now, you are one of the only things keeping hopes up :)
I wish you are here. Just by my side. Just to hear you talking about your stupid stories & overacting days. Just to hear your voice again. Just to hear that horrible accent. You just don't know what only you can do. you can give me my hope back, because at this moment I just don't know how to survive anymore. Even breathing regulary is difficult. I just want you by my side, that I can survive the biggest storm. i really miss you.
unconditional .insecure?doubtful. irrevocable. indisputable? marvellous? insane?incontrovertible. unavoidable? out of the question ? outspoken. abviously?
for about 15 minutes sinds the first of january I was completely sure, certain, final and without doubt about something. I'm love my boyfriend. but that is the end of the 'no doubt' part. I'm Karen, in my teenage-years, and appearently not so sure as I wish I was. now, you might be thinking: what the **** is she talking about. well; in january, it changed, on New Year's eve I kissed some other guy, who's name we shall not mention . And now it's almost August, and the next time I'll see this man it will 29 december. I know his sister well; but, the only thing I know about him is that he lives far from here, he is 2 years older and I ' loved ' him, I barely know him, I hardly like him. but I liked him anough to never tell my boyfriend about it , though, it was before myrelationship , let's be clear about that ! the feeling of guilt keeps growing behind my back and crowling to my heart. so, what am I suppose to do? wait and see, if I get over, it's been a half year sinds that kiss. and, I am sure I love my boyfriend, we are perfectly happy. :) I love him and I am in love with him. I just can't tell him this little detail and the longer I keep this secret from him, the more I feel guilty about it. But, what about 'let's call him Harry,' The only harries I know are Harry Potter, who doens't exist , and Prince Harry (who is as a matter of fact a sort of hot, a sort of old and a sort of 'lives in GREAT-BRITTAIN) but enough about my 'secretly passion for princes' lol ;) no, seriously, what the hell am I going to do? I mess up, every time I get happy, truly, I keep complaining about stupid silly little things. but , now, I am more than happy, my bf (wich is a dumb abbrevation for 'boyfriend' I don't have a lot of time to write, I want it out of my head by tommorow and it is late. ) is perfect. so what the hell is this about? and, so what, I kissed somebody else, but it was before 'us' and, he has secrets all the time; I want him to know, because there is nobody in this world I love more, but I would not get the time to tell him, because there would be a lot of misunderstandings before I could finish one sentence. so, doomed Harry, I don't like him, but e makes me feel guilty; about one drunk silly night-kiss. so wath do I tell me bf? and why the hell do I even bother to tell him at all? is it my guilt? or my self-destruction who wants me to be miserable again. ? because without Harry I can live, but without my boyfriend, I wouldn't survive a day. so, I kinda am hoping that one day, I'd rather have it soon than later, I will be brave, and tell him, but I don't want to lose him.
my bf worth much more than the truth. and I am well aware that truth is priceless.
Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, they serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson or help figure out who you are and who you want to become.
You never know who these people may be: your neighbor, child, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger who, when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way.
And sometimes things happen to you and at the time they seem painful and unfair, but in reflection
you realize that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential strength, will power, or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or
by means of good or bad luck.
Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of
your soul.
Without these small tests, whether they be events, illnesses or relationships, life would be like a smoothly paved straight flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull and
utterly pointless.
The people you meet who affect your life and the successes and downfalls you experience create who you are, and even the bad experiences can be learned from, In fact, they are probably the
poignant and important ones.
If someone hurts you, or breaks your heart, forgive them, for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious to whom you open your heart...
If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you, but because they are teaching you to love and opening your heart and eyes to things you would have never seen or felt without them.
Make every day count.
Appreciate every moment and take from it everything that you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again...
Talk to people you have never talked to before, and actually listen, let yourself fall in love, break free and set your sights high...
Hold your head up because you have every right too.
Tell yourself you are a great individual and believe in yourself...
for if you don't believe in yourself, no one else will believe in you either.
You can make of your life anything you wish. Create your own life and then go out and live in it!
Live each day As if it were your last... Tomorrow is not promised
the moon disappears, and the sun comes up. The city wakes up. Smiling faces walk to the mailbox to retrieve the newspaper. I gaze through my window to the orange horizon while the last teardrop falls on the ground. The only thing that crosses my mind is: 'we have survived the night.'
You messed it up again, but the differents between the other times, now my eyes aren't burning from the silly tears i cry. Now my heart isn't bleeding because you ripped it out. Now I don't feel al the sadness you've put through. There's even a smile upon my face. Maybe you think I lie, maybe you think I deny. Maybe you think that it's a routine now that you give me butterflies and then you murdered them.
Or maybe, I faced the truth, I stopped you push me around.
The screen door slams Mary's dress waves Like a vision she dances across the porch As the radio plays Rob Orbison singing for the lonely Hey that's me and I want you only Don't turn me home again I just can't face myself alone again he is clearly a lonely person, but now he found some one that is even more lonely, Don't run back inside they want to get out , they're weiting for their 'big escape' Darling you know just what I'm here for she's scared, and accually , he is to. thet 'maybe we aren't that young anymore' So you're scared and you're thinking suddently he figgers out, that he hasn't did anything with his life, so far. That maybe we ain't that young anymore Show a little faith, there's magic in the night You ain't a beauty, but hey you're alright this is a lovely verse. he sais : you are not pretty, but you are OK. Oh and that's alright with me and that is fine with me (I don't need a pretty girl to be happy)
You can hide 'neath your covers And study your pain Make crosses form your lovers Throw roses in the rain he talks about the misery they went trough, and about how she 'wasted her summer Waste your summer praying in vain praying in vain" here it is clear that she dreams about an escape to. For a savior to rise from these streets Well now I'm no hero he admits tat he is not a hero. that is a big step for a boy ;) That's understood All the redemption I can offer girl he hasn't got a lot to offer a girl, because their bouth from a dirty hood. is beneath this dirty hood but he wants to give everything that he has and more, he wants to give his dreams to With a chance to make it good somehow because, when she would be happy, he would be to. that is , to me, a perfect Hey what else can we do now thing to do. Except roll down the window here he bassicly sais : we 've got to make the best of it. And let the wind blow back your hair lets enjoy our lives,and laugh about the crappy days, let the wind blow in our hairs. Well the night's busting open These two lanes will take us anywhere there is magic in the night; We got one last chance to make it real To trade in thes wings on some wheels Climb in back Heaven's waiting on down the tracks he talks about their ride, about getting away. he asks her to take his hand, Oh oh come take my hand so that they could be together. Riding out tonight to case the promised land Oh oh Thunder Road, oh Thunder Road Oh Thunder Road Lying out there like a killer in the sun Hey I know it's late, we can make it if we run oh Thunder Road, sit tight take hold Thunder Road
Well I got this guitar just to let you know : a guitar doesn't talk. it is a way of telling you : I can play music. And I learned how to make it talk And my car's out back If you're ready to take that long walk The 'long walk' he talks about, is a walk to go away from home. to make a new home; From your front proch to my front seat The door's open but the ride it ain't free And I know you're lonely For words that I ain't spoken But tonight we'll be free tonight is the big night for (hmm, think ... I need a name) Jack and Mary. All the promises'll be broken There were ghosts in the eyes Mary had to disapoint many boys, who had 'gosts in their eyes' Of all the boys you sent away They haunt this dusty beach road In the skeleton frames of burned out Chevrolets They scream your name at night in the streets I think this is the reason why Mary is sad/ scared. Your graduation gown lies in rags at their feet And in the lonely cool before dawn you hear their engines roaring on But when you get to the porch they're gone Jack rides in a porch. On the wind, so Mary climb in It's a town full of losers And I'm pulling out of here to win
this was my version of thunder road. be sure to check it out, with or without lyrics , on youtube, because it is a pretty song.
enjoy it
reminded me about my biggest dream when I was a little girl (yeah, I know, I was kinda vain) : 
