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    Reaper LD
    De memoires van Cassandra en Cassanova, final chapter.
    28-01-2010
    Klik hier om een link te hebben waarmee u dit artikel later terug kunt lezen.Dear God
    God neem me weg
    naar 'n plek hier ver vandaan....

    28-01-2010 om 00:00 geschreven door Tigana  

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    26-01-2010
    Klik hier om een link te hebben waarmee u dit artikel later terug kunt lezen.Talk to the mirror, choke back tears...

    dinsdag 26 januari 2010

    Talk to the mirror, choke back tears...

    Please, leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman.
    From that moment you'll be out of place and underdressed.
    I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it.
    Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and...
    When you're in black slacks with accentuating, off-white, pinstripes
    Whoa, everything goes according to plan.
    I'm the new cancer, never looked better, you can't stand it.
    Because you say so under your breath.
    You're reading lips "When did he get all confident?"
    Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer?
    Never looked better, and you can't stand it.

    You can't find out. You really, really can't. That would blow destroy every bit of sanity that there's left. It can never happen. The game would vanish, the players left to die. It would speed things up, that it would, but not for the best. It would kill me. And give you clearance for ever. That can never happen.
    Over my dead body it will. I wouldn't be able to fix that. Oh, me and my big mouth !
    I should've been quiet from the start. Given everyone the lie. Expanding the game throughout my life. Why am I so stubborn? Why can't I just go ahead wihtout caring what they'd think of me? If they think this is what I want... I tried. I did. Why didn't I persist? Why did I give up? If I told them I hated my life and I wanted this one... But noo, not me, fucking trying to make it seem as if I'm a victim.
    God dammit woman, bear your burdens alone. That's what they're here for. Because you've got to bear them, stop trying to warn others, that you're not like that, that it's just... Not explicable. Blegh. I guess I'm the weakest link after all...
    Now, clear your life, of all lies, clear your head and go along with it. No one has to know. You're nothing anyways.
    Goodbye old self,
    you'll be withering tonight.
    Yet another piece of soul sold.
    I'm ready.
    I'm ready for eternal darkness. 

    26-01-2010 om 00:00 geschreven door Tigana  

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    25-01-2010
    Klik hier om een link te hebben waarmee u dit artikel later terug kunt lezen.My broken ribs
    My broken ribs don't mean you've won,
    the fight has only just begun



    Fists break bones too

    25-01-2010 om 00:00 geschreven door Tigana  

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    Klik hier om een link te hebben waarmee u dit artikel later terug kunt lezen.Can you help me understand?

    maandag 25 januari 2010

    Can you help me understand?

    Sometimes I wonder
    Why I'm still waiting,
    Sometimes I'm shaking,
    that's how you make me,
    sometimes I question,
    why I'm still here,
    sometimes I think I'm going crazy...


    My broken ribs don't mean that you've won,
    I tell you it has only just begun....

    You're losing it. Nothing more to say.
    you're losing every bit of sanity that you had.
    You're sorry? So am I.
    You hate to see the fear in my eyes,
    than stop hitting me.
    Stop trying to solve stupid arguments with strength.
    And stop making arguments out of nothing.
    You turn every word I speak against me.
    You want me to be happy?
    Stop hurting me.
    You don't care about me,
    all you care about is that I let you do whatever you want,
    and I can't even feel bad about it.
    Why is that?
    You can't cope with me being sad? Being lonely?
    You're the one that's not there for me. You're the one that wants me to be alone.
    Jealous? Me? Of what? Of the miserable life you create for yourself?
    You dare tell me that because you stopped being jealous it's my time now?
    You didn't stop being jealous, I stopped giving you reasons to be jealous.
    I don't talk to people, I barely talk at work.
    And yet you still are jealous of me.
    Of what I've got (and what is that I might ask you? I kinda lost everything)
    Of me being smart (you're just as smart as me, if not smarter)
    Of me being perfect (how the hell do you call me perfect when all I do is whine and complain?)
    The only thing you're jealous of is what I had. What you took from me. Or whatever it is I had to give up.
    At least everyone wants you back.
    For me, I've been replaced, with someone better than me. I don't even have that to fall back on. No one wants me back,
    no one misses me, no one can even help me.
    Because in my case, I've got to make it up. I've got to make things right.
    No one to save me when I drown.
    If you leave me.
    You're life will go on. You'll have girlfriends, work, school,
    whatever you want.
    I'll be left with nothing.
    No one cares.
    No one really cares.
    And sure as hell no one will ever understand. 

    25-01-2010 om 00:00 geschreven door Tigana  

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    22-01-2010
    Klik hier om een link te hebben waarmee u dit artikel later terug kunt lezen.You can't kill me, I'm already dead
    You can't kill me, I'm already dead,
    Inside my world,
    Inside my head

    22-01-2010 om 00:00 geschreven door Tigana  

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    07-01-2010
    Klik hier om een link te hebben waarmee u dit artikel later terug kunt lezen.I'm still alive

    donderdag 7 januari 2010

    I'm still alive...

    Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man's room
    She said I'm ready...for you
    I can't remember anything to this very day
    'Cept the look, the look...
    Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare...

    I, I'm still alive
    Hey I, but, I'm still alive
    Hey I, boy, I'm still alive
    Hey I, I, I, I'm still alive, yeah
    Ooh yeah...yeah yeah yeah...oh...oh...

    Is something wrong, she said
    Well of course there is
    You're still alive, she said
    Oh, and do I deserve to be
    Is that the question
    And if so...if so...who answers...who answers...


    Holidays passed, slowly. Glad to be at work again.
    Not really actually, the walls of my cell are closing in on me.
    You're not happy anymore. I can't find the strength to smile.
    I stopped talking to you. There's no point in it either way.
    You never really listen. You claim to understand, and yet you hurt me,
    over and over again. I miss life. Living. People. I crave for a little light in my darkness.
    I keep on naggin' about it, I know. Is shouldn't. I hurt people. The only people that still care for me.
    But I can't be living this lie much longer. I was right all along. No one wants to hear what's really going on.
    They all want to hear I'm doing well. No one can cope with this. This everlasting darkness. Not even me.
    I'd grow bored of it too.
    Tables won't be turning for me though. Fortuna's wheel has stopped at rock bottom.
    How endure hell in it's purest form?
    Did I really die that night?
    Why is no one mourning?
    On how many worlds must I die before I can be alive again?
    I'll have to do better next time.
    I didn't change. No matter what they tell me. I didn't. I'm still the same. Lamehearted coward.
    Why is it so hard to leave this place?
    There's nothing left for me here anyways.
    Why can't I just go?
    I'm not scared, I don't want to be here, it just doesn't make sense if I leave now.
    An yet. Who cares about sense at a time like this? Only me. Only little old me.
    There's no sense in dying, no logical course of events... And still, I need to have the right things happen before I can go on with it. Because if it doesn't make sense.
    If I just go ahead and kill myself,
    I won't find peace. Because I didn't finish it.
    Play the game to the end.
    Finish what you've started...
    please let me go?
    I beg of you.
    Only two confirmations left.
    Only two who have to give their permission.
    Regardless of what they want.
    I can't be 30, I've said it a million times, I die at 30. I won't live to grow older than that. I've known that since birth.
    Why can't I move it up a bit. Not even a whole year?
    A few months, tops.
    Let me go? 

    07-01-2010 om 00:00 geschreven door Tigana  

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    26-12-2009
    Klik hier om een link te hebben waarmee u dit artikel later terug kunt lezen.My life is a roadmap of pain
    Tell me why, so I can quietly bitch and moan
    To this light, that I'm not going down!
    Hanging by, the rope you tie for me!
    Lift me up, while I'm still alive!


    You're happy.
    They told me.
    You really are happy.
    After so long a time?
    3 months isn't long.
    Insignificant little me...
    "I really hope you'll get your life back on track..."
    "that you choose the right path"
    No you don't.
    Don't try to be nice.
    No one wants me to be happy,
    they only want me out of their sight.
    Preferably not dead. 'Cause then guilt might kick in.
    Then I'd be interferring with their lives.
    As long as I stay out of the picture.
    Everything's alright.
    How could you leave me like this?
    How could you so not fight for me?
    How could you care so little for me?
    I really meant nothing to you?
    How on earth do you manage to be happy?
    I thought we were connected?
    I really thought my pain would be yours,
    as yours is mine.
    But you don't care.
    You sold me out to save yourself.
    You don't care what happens to me,
    you'd rather not know than hear the truth.
    Than hear what I've got to say.
    Hear that I'll be miserable for the rest of my life.
    Every few seconds hoping I'll drop dead.
    Longing for the end.
    I really really really want to die.
    Why can't I?

    I can't cope with life.
    What's next for me?
    Watching you get married,
    get children,
    watching her ride my horses,
    watching you two grow old together...
    Why do I have to go through all that?
    Why do I have to suffer every second of every day?
    Getting beat up,
    blackmailed,
    cursed upon,
    damaged,
    every single day.
    Harsh words, said to taunt me,
    to break me,
    to make me numb,
    to make me a sheep,
    an unhappy one I might add.
    I'm broken,
    I'm dead,
    Haven't I been punished enough?
    Haven't I suffered enough?
    Why can't I go?
    Why won't all of you let me go?
    "If you want to talk, you can call me..."
    I don't want to talk,
    I want to DIE.
    I want out of here,
    I'm sick of it,
    literally,
    I hate living,
    I hate being hurt all the time.
    This isn't life, this is hell,
    I'm probably not alive,
    I died last year,
    and ended up in hell,
    that's what happened....
    That must be what happened.
    I'll never get out of here again.
    I must,
    I must pull my act together,
    I will die,
    suckers,
    and see you all on the other side.
    Live happily ever after,
    world that betrayed me.
    And then the doubts,
    what about my parents,
    they'll hurt
    I know they will,
    I can't be selfish...
    But really,
    how selfish is it that I'm done with suffering?
    "In suicide, the only ones that really get hurt are the ones who're left behind..."
    I'm not leaving anyone behind. Except for my parents,
    and my sister.
    The rest is rubbish.
    No one else cares.
    5 people I don't want to hurt.
    5 people for whom I live this torture, day in and day out.
    How much longer can I go on,
    How much longer will I stand my ground,
    I'm on the verge of collapsing.
    No one will notice,
    Ever so quiet,
    as all my suffering went.
    I'm screaming,
    why won't anyone hear me?
    Why have you left me?
    Why can't I be loved and cherished?
    What the fuck is so wrong with me? 

    26-12-2009 om 00:00 geschreven door Tigana  

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    16-12-2009
    Klik hier om een link te hebben waarmee u dit artikel later terug kunt lezen.What's the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you
    Only, you're not lonely, I'm the only lonely one here. You never cared, I'm meaningless. I can't blame you, I really am.
    It hit me suddenly yesterday, after working my ass off ironing, I'm worthless, he chatting with his girlfriends, I slaving my way round the house. Not even noticed. I've wasted away. Unnoticed by my surroundings, I don't have surroundings left.
    I was so immensly sad, and so very very lost. Again. And then angry, pissed off with myself, hating myself for being like that. Hating myself for being NOTHING. No one really cares. They all 've got excuses. Why they're so much better than I am. "Men move on more quickly" really? Come on, what kind of excuse is that? For not caring? Not fighting? Not even TRYING to help me? He ran away to save himself, he didn't hate enough to love, is that supposed to be enough? He ran, and took me with him, only he doesn't know. He's not even reminded by my, he probably doesn't even remember what I look like. No one really cares.
    No one.
    If I end my life,
    will anyone cry?
    Really cry for me?
    For they've lost me?
    They already have, no one's crying now.
    Everyone is LIVING their lives,
    I'm not a part of life anymore.
    I so want to die,
    leave me,
    let me be,
    go away and let me FUCKING DIE.
    The hell with it,
    No one loves me,
    and that'll never change,
    I despise of myself for having been a slave all these years,
    and I still am. Devoting my life to make him a better person.
    To make him successfull.
    No one would do that for me.
    No one really cares.
    No one's even reading this,
    No reactions, nothing what so ever.
    Even she's got a thousand people answering her
    plea. Telling her to hang in there.
    For whom should I continue?
    Because right now, it wouldn't make sense to go.
    And that's the only reason why I'm still here.
    It doesn't make fucking sence.
    No matter what I say,
    The only answer is:
    you are special! You're sweet.
    Of course I am,
    I do everything to make someone else happy.
    I hate living.
    I'll always be the lonely me,
    Love as such does not exist. 

    16-12-2009 om 00:00 geschreven door Tigana  

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    15-12-2009
    Klik hier om een link te hebben waarmee u dit artikel later terug kunt lezen.I want to stay here forever and always
    These days are dead again, it's emtpy from the start,
    and it drives me crazy,
    The hours drift away, it hurts to remember,
    This will soon be over...
    Should it all come crashing down around me?
    Should you be there?
    Should I stumble or fall,
    and pick up the pieces....


    Closer and closer to the end of the year.
    Further and further away from you.
    Who'll ever hear me?
    Who would understand?
    Why can't it all just go away?
    I can nag on and on about wanting to be dead, there's no one who listens, no one who believes. And no one who can change anything.
    Not even me.
    Why do I have to endure this? Why me?
    Can't feel sorry for myself. I'm not an emotional fucked up bitch.
    I'm a dutchess. Her highness, a lady.
    The most..... fucked up person alive.. That's what you are, don't fool yourself.
    You're nothing,nothing but a worthless piece of crap. You're exactly what everyone thinks you are. A no one. And a stupid one too I might add....
    And you. Trying to work. I was so angry with you yesterday, jealous of what I've got? Of what I am?
    I worked for it. And can't you fucking see I've got none of it left? Even the will to go on has vanished. What do you want from me? That you can provide for me? That the last usefull thing I do in this life will be taken away from me. Is that what you want?
    You want to be a hero?
    Work for it. Stop giving up, and stop blaming me.
    And Fuck it, I understand. I always do. No one else does. No one understands me. But I know you, your every thought whispers in my ear. Your very reason for existance, is what I created for you. The myth, the story, the goal, the purpose. I gave it you. Stripping me of my life. I gave it to you. And then you go on whining and complaining. What do you think? I'm god? I'm not, I can't do everything in your place.
    Life's not just a bitch, she's a vicious one too.
    Why am I still lonely? Why is there still no one who rescues me?
    Why do I have to breathe everyday.
    Why WHy WHY?
    I don't want to have christmass without you.

    I don't want to. 

    15-12-2009 om 00:00 geschreven door Tigana  

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