Please, leave all overcoats, canes and top hats with the doorman. From that moment you'll be out of place and underdressed. I'm wrecking this evening already and loving every minute of it. Ruining this banquet for the mildly inspiring and... When you're in black slacks with accentuating, off-white, pinstripes Whoa, everything goes according to plan. I'm the new cancer, never looked better, you can't stand it. Because you say so under your breath. You're reading lips "When did he get all confident?" Haven't you heard that I'm the new cancer? Never looked better, and you can't stand it.
You
can't find out. You really, really can't. That would blow destroy
every bit of sanity that there's left. It can never happen. The game
would vanish, the players left to die. It would speed things up, that
it would, but not for the best. It would kill me. And give you
clearance for ever. That can never happen. Over my dead body it will. I wouldn't be able to fix that. Oh, me and my big mouth ! I
should've been quiet from the start. Given everyone the lie.
Expanding the game throughout my life. Why am I so stubborn? Why can't
I just go ahead wihtout caring what they'd think of me? If they think
this is what I want... I tried. I did. Why didn't I persist? Why did I
give up? If I told them I hated my life and I wanted this one... But
noo, not me, fucking trying to make it seem as if I'm a victim. God
dammit woman, bear your burdens alone. That's what they're here for.
Because you've got to bear them, stop trying to warn others, that you're
not like that, that it's just... Not explicable. Blegh. I guess I'm
the weakest link after all... Now, clear your life, of all lies, clear your head and go along with it. No one has to know. You're nothing anyways. Goodbye old self, you'll be withering tonight. Yet another piece of soul sold. I'm ready. I'm ready for eternal darkness.
Sometimes I wonder Why I'm still waiting, Sometimes I'm shaking, that's how you make me, sometimes I question, why I'm still here, sometimes I think I'm going crazy...
My broken ribs don't mean that you've won, I tell you it has only just begun....
You're losing it. Nothing more to say. you're losing every bit of sanity that you had. You're sorry? So am I. You hate to see the fear in my eyes, than stop hitting me. Stop trying to solve stupid arguments with strength. And stop making arguments out of nothing. You turn every word I speak against me. You want me to be happy? Stop hurting me. You don't care about me, all you care about is that I let you do whatever you want, and I can't even feel bad about it. Why is that? You can't cope with me being sad? Being lonely? You're the one that's not there for me. You're the one that wants me to be alone. Jealous? Me? Of what? Of the miserable life you create for yourself? You dare tell me that because you stopped being jealous it's my time now? You didn't stop being jealous, I stopped giving you reasons to be jealous. I don't talk to people, I barely talk at work. And yet you still are jealous of me. Of what I've got (and what is that I might ask you? I kinda lost everything) Of me being smart (you're just as smart as me, if not smarter) Of me being perfect (how the hell do you call me perfect when all I do is whine and complain?) The only thing you're jealous of is what I had. What you took from me. Or whatever it is I had to give up. At least everyone wants you back. For me, I've been replaced, with someone better than me. I don't even have that to fall back on. No one wants me back, no one misses me, no one can even help me. Because in my case, I've got to make it up. I've got to make things right. No one to save me when I drown. If you leave me. You're life will go on. You'll have girlfriends, work, school, whatever you want. I'll be left with nothing. No one cares. No one really cares. And sure as hell no one will ever understand.
Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man's room She said I'm ready...for you I can't remember anything to this very day 'Cept the look, the look... Oh, you know where, now I can't see, I just stare...
I, I'm still alive Hey I, but, I'm still alive Hey I, boy, I'm still alive Hey I, I, I, I'm still alive, yeah Ooh yeah...yeah yeah yeah...oh...oh...
Is something wrong, she said Well of course there is You're still alive, she said Oh, and do I deserve to be Is that the question And if so...if so...who answers...who answers...
Holidays passed, slowly. Glad to be at work again. Not really actually, the walls of my cell are closing in on me. You're not happy anymore. I can't find the strength to smile. I stopped talking to you. There's no point in it either way. You never really listen. You claim to understand, and yet you hurt me, over and over again. I miss life. Living. People. I crave for a little light in my darkness. I keep on naggin' about it, I know. Is shouldn't. I hurt people. The only people that still care for me. But I can't be living this lie much longer. I was right all along. No one wants to hear what's really going on. They all want to hear I'm doing well. No one can cope with this. This everlasting darkness. Not even me. I'd grow bored of it too. Tables won't be turning for me though. Fortuna's wheel has stopped at rock bottom. How endure hell in it's purest form? Did I really die that night? Why is no one mourning? On how many worlds must I die before I can be alive again? I'll have to do better next time. I didn't change. No matter what they tell me. I didn't. I'm still the same. Lamehearted coward. Why is it so hard to leave this place? There's nothing left for me here anyways. Why can't I just go? I'm not scared, I don't want to be here, it just doesn't make sense if I leave now. An yet. Who cares about sense at a time like this? Only me. Only little old me. There's
no sense in dying, no logical course of events... And still, I need to
have the right things happen before I can go on with it. Because if it
doesn't make sense. If I just go ahead and kill myself, I won't find peace. Because I didn't finish it. Play the game to the end. Finish what you've started... please let me go? I beg of you. Only two confirmations left. Only two who have to give their permission. Regardless of what they want. I can't be 30, I've said it a million times, I die at 30. I won't live to grow older than that. I've known that since birth. Why can't I move it up a bit. Not even a whole year? A few months, tops. Let me go?
Tell me why, so I can quietly bitch and moan To this light, that I'm not going down! Hanging by, the rope you tie for me! Lift me up, while I'm still alive!
You're happy. They told me. You really are happy. After so long a time? 3 months isn't long. Insignificant little me... "I really hope you'll get your life back on track..." "that you choose the right path" No you don't. Don't try to be nice. No one wants me to be happy, they only want me out of their sight. Preferably not dead. 'Cause then guilt might kick in. Then I'd be interferring with their lives. As long as I stay out of the picture. Everything's alright. How could you leave me like this? How could you so not fight for me? How could you care so little for me? I really meant nothing to you? How on earth do you manage to be happy? I thought we were connected? I really thought my pain would be yours, as yours is mine. But you don't care. You sold me out to save yourself. You don't care what happens to me, you'd rather not know than hear the truth. Than hear what I've got to say. Hear that I'll be miserable for the rest of my life. Every few seconds hoping I'll drop dead. Longing for the end. I really really really want to die. Why can't I?
I can't cope with life. What's next for me? Watching you get married, get children, watching her ride my horses, watching you two grow old together... Why do I have to go through all that? Why do I have to suffer every second of every day? Getting beat up, blackmailed, cursed upon, damaged, every single day. Harsh words, said to taunt me, to break me, to make me numb, to make me a sheep, an unhappy one I might add. I'm broken, I'm dead, Haven't I been punished enough? Haven't I suffered enough? Why can't I go? Why won't all of you let me go? "If you want to talk, you can call me..." I don't want to talk, I want to DIE. I want out of here, I'm sick of it, literally, I hate living, I hate being hurt all the time. This isn't life, this is hell, I'm probably not alive, I died last year, and ended up in hell, that's what happened.... That must be what happened. I'll never get out of here again. I must, I must pull my act together, I will die, suckers, and see you all on the other side. Live happily ever after, world that betrayed me. And then the doubts, what about my parents, they'll hurt I know they will, I can't be selfish... But really, how selfish is it that I'm done with suffering? "In suicide, the only ones that really get hurt are the ones who're left behind..." I'm not leaving anyone behind. Except for my parents, and my sister. The rest is rubbish. No one else cares. 5 people I don't want to hurt. 5 people for whom I live this torture, day in and day out. How much longer can I go on, How much longer will I stand my ground, I'm on the verge of collapsing. No one will notice, Ever so quiet, as all my suffering went. I'm screaming, why won't anyone hear me? Why have you left me? Why can't I be loved and cherished? What the fuck is so wrong with me?
What's the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you
Only, you're not lonely, I'm the only lonely one here. You never cared, I'm meaningless. I can't blame you, I really am. It
hit me suddenly yesterday, after working my ass off ironing, I'm
worthless, he chatting with his girlfriends, I slaving my way round the
house. Not even noticed. I've wasted away. Unnoticed by my
surroundings, I don't have surroundings left. I was so immensly sad,
and so very very lost. Again. And then angry, pissed off with myself,
hating myself for being like that. Hating myself for being NOTHING. No
one really cares. They all 've got excuses. Why they're so much
better than I am. "Men move on more quickly" really? Come on, what
kind of excuse is that? For not caring? Not fighting? Not even TRYING
to help me? He ran away to save himself, he didn't hate enough to
love, is that supposed to be enough? He ran, and took me with him, only
he doesn't know. He's not even reminded by my, he probably doesn't
even remember what I look like. No one really cares. No one. If I end my life, will anyone cry? Really cry for me? For they've lost me? They already have, no one's crying now. Everyone is LIVING their lives, I'm not a part of life anymore. I so want to die, leave me, let me be, go away and let me FUCKING DIE. The hell with it, No one loves me, and that'll never change, I despise of myself for having been a slave all these years, and I still am. Devoting my life to make him a better person. To make him successfull. No one would do that for me. No one really cares. No one's even reading this, No reactions, nothing what so ever. Even she's got a thousand people answering her plea. Telling her to hang in there. For whom should I continue? Because right now, it wouldn't make sense to go. And that's the only reason why I'm still here. It doesn't make fucking sence. No matter what I say, The only answer is: you are special! You're sweet. Of course I am, I do everything to make someone else happy. I hate living. I'll always be the lonely me, Love as such does not exist.
These days are dead again, it's emtpy from the start, and it drives me crazy, The hours drift away, it hurts to remember, This will soon be over... Should it all come crashing down around me? Should you be there? Should I stumble or fall, and pick up the pieces.... Closer and closer to the end of the year. Further and further away from you. Who'll ever hear me? Who would understand? Why can't it all just go away? I
can nag on and on about wanting to be dead, there's no one who listens,
no one who believes. And no one who can change anything. Not even me. Why do I have to endure this? Why me? Can't feel sorry for myself. I'm not an emotional fucked up bitch. I'm a dutchess. Her highness, a lady. The most..... fucked up person alive.. That's what you are, don't fool yourself. You're
nothing,nothing but a worthless piece of crap. You're exactly what
everyone thinks you are. A no one. And a stupid one too I might
add.... And you. Trying to work. I was so angry with you yesterday, jealous of what I've got? Of what I am? I
worked for it. And can't you fucking see I've got none of it left?
Even the will to go on has vanished. What do you want from me? That
you can provide for me? That the last usefull thing I do in this life
will be taken away from me. Is that what you want? You want to be a hero? Work for it. Stop giving up, and stop blaming me. And
Fuck it, I understand. I always do. No one else does. No one
understands me. But I know you, your every thought whispers in my ear.
Your very reason for existance, is what I created for you. The myth,
the story, the goal, the purpose. I gave it you. Stripping me of my
life. I gave it to you. And then you go on whining and complaining.
What do you think? I'm god? I'm not, I can't do everything in your
place. Life's not just a bitch, she's a vicious one too. Why am I still lonely? Why is there still no one who rescues me? Why do I have to breathe everyday. Why WHy WHY? I don't want to have christmass without you.
Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn, gone tomorrow, tomorrow I'll be gone...
Each thing I show you is a piece of my death
Bloody hell, can't anything go right? I'm
starting to get pissed off. After months of grief and suffering, I'm
finally losing my nerve. I'm angry. Strange sensation. Haven't felt
that in years... Can't even remember when I've ever been angry. But I am now, I sure as hell am. Fed
up with everything. Whatever I say or do, always the bloody comments,
everything taken too personaly, yes, you are lazy, extremely lazy even,
if I don't care, why should you? Can you at least give me some respect
for the slaving I do? Is it that hard? I don't blame you for doing
nothing, I just don't like it when all I do is minimized to nothing.
As if it takes no effort for me. I don't have to praise you everytime
you lift a fucking finger. But I do, don't I? But me oh my, if I for
one night curl up in the sofa because I'm fucking sick. Then suddenly
I'm the most lazy person alive. Because you took care of me. No you
didn't you stupid you cooked, I loved that, and then you left everything
as it was, dirty stove, dirty dishes, onion peelings.... Everything a
fucking mess. And I feel guilty, eventhough I know you won't be
reading this, I feel guilty, because I make you look bad. I don't want
that. I want you to be special, to feel special. Darned, I can't even
be mad at you when I'm alone. I can't even shout at you when you're not
here. What kind of spell is this? I always feel as if I'm
overreacting. I always feel like I'm the one to blame. Why is that
anyway? You can't be that perfect can you? Why do I bother? I don't know. I'm not sure why I stick around even. I promised my mom I wouldn't die leaving her with questions. Holiday's are coming. And so does my deathday. 17 days 17 days and I'm one year past my due date. Why didn't it work, I wonder. He shouldn't have saved me, and I shouldn't have taken him with me. The only mistake I'll regret infinitely. I should have been dead.
Wish you were here, me oh my, country man I wish you were here, wish you were here, don't you know, the storm is getting colder, and I miss you like Hell, and I'm feeling blue...
Fuck it, it really never ends. I fucked up, once again.... I
was relatively ok, till I found out that another 300 fine is coming
my way. I already am broke. And now I'm even worse. I make 2000 a
month and still I can't cope. Because I fuck up. Time after time. And I'm lonely. She called, to give her e-mail adress. So I could send her a message. She doesn't know what she's starting. I can't worry them too. They're friends with you. They're friends with her. You go out together, do fun things, whatever. Life I'm not a part of anymore. I can't see them, I can't even go and take a look at the baby. The baby she touched, held, you cherished, visited...
I'm alone. As always. I'm alone. No
one to save me, no one to comfort me when I can't cope, no one to tell
me everything will be fine and then helps me get through things. Responsible for everything. Taking care of everything. And fucking up. All the time.
I should send a message, I shouldn't send.... I can't figure it out. Where do I start? How do you tell people that your main purpose in life is to die? That you're trying to get away from it all? And how does that rhyme with not affecting their lives... I can't figure it out. I really wish I had someone to give me advise. To tell me what to do. To take my hand, and drag me through this shit that's called life. Where is my saviour? Why did you leave me? Why did you leave me weak, powerless, useless? You took all my strength with you. I hope you're happy though. Happy with all I've given you. Please please be happy, then all of this suffering I go through will at least have had his goal.
A burden I am and I hate it. No one has to know what's up with me. I can act as if... As if all's perished. No more talking. No one to talk to anymore. Not even sure whether I'll ever see anyone again. I'm alone. All alone. Can't show myself, can't show my troubles, can't communicate. I'm a burden to life, a burden to everyone. I stop. I decided to stop talking. No one 'll know how I'm doing. Not being sure whether I'll ever see my sister again, Or the little one, or my parents ftm, Or the horses, Or the only one I love. Alone. All alone. Not talking never was so complicated. I need to do this, I know. If no one knows, if everyone thinks I'm fine... They don't worry. Dead inside, People're not supposed to be alone. We belong in the herd. I've lost the herd, I'm left for the predators to take me away. One day I will. Alone, not loved by anyone, I abandoned them all. And they think I chose to abandon them. I don't belong here, I'm nothing. I mean nothing. Perish, DIE BITCH, DIE
If only I don't bend and break I'll meet you on the other side I'll meet you in the light If only I don't suffocate I'll meet you in the morning when you wake
And I did, I woke up, and you weren't there. I dreamt the most magnificent dream tonight. You allowed me to come back. You wanted me to come back. You loved me and me alone, I hugged the horses, I was home again. And then I woke up, to an empty existence, everything shattering at once, pain returning to my heart, a heart that felt no joy for months, suddenly ripped from joy again. The agony is indescribable. The pain breathtaking, with bewildered eyes I glanced at my face. I'm extremely pale. Hollow. Black shadows underneath my eyes. I look like a corpse. A walking corpse. I look bad, worse than ever, and probably will look even worse tomorrow. Now I'm afraid to sleep, and dream that amazing dream again, and then, wake up.
Please let me die before I wake, I plea to God my soul to take
No one even takes me serious anymore. Threathening
with death only works when you actually die angel, they don't believe
you've got it in you, they don't think you will go through with it. I'll show them :). And that is plain cruel dutchess. Plain cruel I tell ya....
It's
cruel of them too. Wanting me to live with no future ahead. And
expecting me to find a "new life" when I still want my old life back. When I know I'll never get that again, I can buy a house, horses, but I'll never be home again. Am
I really the only one who felt that? Am I the only one alive that
feels so deep? That has such great emotions that they simply cannot be
ignored? I can't move on. It's impossible to move on. One phonecall, one reassurance and I can go on again. But the line stays dead, the world has forgotten about me...
Suicide is my way of telling God, you can't fire me, I quit
The nights are getting colder, and I miss you like hell, and I'm feeling blue... I
hate having cold, and I always am. Everything falls apart lately, cell
phone, oven, dishwasher, laptop.... All electrical applainces give up
on me. I don't understand. That's new to me. Maybe it's the negative
energy that surrounds me? I wonder.... I sit and stare and slave
around the house, "what do you want to do? Do you want me to stop
working? Do you.... " All questions on which no answer is wanted. You
never listen, you just continue reading, typing, working, laughing....
And you've got the nerve to tell me to give you some space? That I
can't be bothered with the fact that you're reading while I'm talking?
That you're fucking screen is more important than I am? O no, I'm
sorry, that's because I'm wrong. I never want to do anything either
way. I'm boring so you have to keep yourself busy.... Vicious circle
isn't it? And then, there we were, off to the handy shop, did I see
you? Was it you on the horse trailer? Who went riding with you? Him
or her? Have you forgotten me? I need you so much, I can't stand it no
one needs me. I so want to belong somewhere. To be wanted, important,
whatever. I had it all figured out yesterday. I know what went wrong, I
know how I became this beast, and I know it'll never change. All I can
do is wait. Wait and live a life of agony and pain. Because I'm not
allowed to die. I stopped talking to everyone. No one can help me
anyways. All I do is hurt people and feel bad about that. I don't need
that, not on top of the constant pain and devastation I'm already
feeling. After all, we have been through, I can only look at you, through the eyes you lied to, giving up, giving up, I'm giving up on you, After all there's no way out, if you can not stand beside me if there isn't love there is only pride, I'm giving up, I'm giving up on life. I
want to know whether you'll marry her, want kids, whether she's better
than me, whether she likes the horse, whether she's going to learn how
to ride them, whether your friends like her better than me... I want to
know whether you're life is better now, whether you're happy, whether
you want her to have the house, whether she's a better partner than I
was, whether you love her more.... I want to know whether you'll
stay, whether you're still trying to woo others, whether you really love
me or just find me an easy way out of your trouble, I want to know if I
can end my life and not be missed. Whether there really is no place I
belong. Whether I'll ever really have what I want, whether my life has
any purpose at all. Why are there no questions ever answered? I'm
loved by my parents, maybe even my sister,but is that all? Is that the
meaning of my life? Being a sidekick to everyone? Stand outside their
family's and be there for them? Is that all for me? Is there no family
for me? No home for me? Am I really that alien? Or that angel? I'm
too smart, too sensitive, too perfect for life. Or just too fucked up,
I haven't figured that one out. I feel like I'm better than average,
but no one else seems to think that. Where do I belong, I'm so lost. Can anyone here me? Can anyone please please help me. Save me. Care for me. I don't want to give anymore, I want to receive. Give me nurishments for life. please help.....
And here I am. Lonelier than ever. Everything seems fine. No one knows
what's really going on. They don't care, if I appear normal, they don't
have to worry. As long as I don't kill myself. Everyone's happy.
It's not important how I really feel. Not important that I go through
hell every day. The agony, only getting worse. I can't show it, can't
talk to anyone, devote my life to making others happy. If I'm crying,
I'm told to stop, I swallow my grief and smile, not because I mean it.
Them thinking it's gone. I want a way out. I'm not happy. And I never
will be. No one really knows anyway. No one even asks. How can I
ever have thought there'd be a happy future for me? That I could be
normal. I know what's wrong, I know what's happening, only, no one else
does. What fairytales tell is wrong. There is no true happiness.
People are selfish by nature. There is no knight in shinging armor. No
happy ending, it never happens, when things go down, they don't go up
if you're down enough... They just get worse. Every day. I'm so tired
of living. I'm not really living anymore. Another suicide, gone
unnoticed. Another lonely soul vanished. Not saved by his
surroundings. Goodnight Maarten. Sleep tight. I'll think of you. I
know what you went through. I hope I will be with you soon. No one notices me. No one even replies here. I'm crying out to the world, and no one notices. Please help me? Or let me go?
I'll be where the eagle's flying, higher and higher
Alone, almost alone. All grew tired of me. Of my whining, complaining, and doing nothing about it. How can I make anyone see that there's nothing that can be done? Doesn't matter anymore. I gave up. Given up on existence itself. I'm dead, and glad to be so. No life for me, darkness all around me, waiting, forever waiting. And everything that helped me pass time is gone. Even my laptop is broken now. I just have to sit, hours and hours, waiting for time to pass. Cynical, how every second is streched out to eternity, and that it's the one who doesn't want to live those seconds, who experiences them the most. Life's cruel, no purpose, only death awaits, and not even joy to look forward to. Stop blaming me for wanting to die, there's no fun in living if you're not allowed to live for yourself, if you can't live your life, if you're bound to serve someone else. Only darkness, only fear, only tears, the cage is killing me. Please let me die tonight.
Two names, linked by two letters, proof of your happiness, and my despair. I seem to live for pain. She wants to see me, wants to be my friend, I can only hurt inside for what I've lost. I've been replaced with someone better, not only in your life but in every aspect of mine too. She took over, and you love her for it. I barely sleep. Can't remember when I slept more than four hours, I lay awake, or am kept awake, if I don't, I dream. Horrible dreams. Crazy dreams. Never ending agony. Whether awake or asleep, nothing brings me comfort anymore. The role is getting easier. I stopped fighting it, and I enhance every day. I
don't know whether that's good or bad. It makes him happy though and
that affects me too. Circumstances beyond my control still take flight,
but at least I didn't cause them. I'm vulnerable, I'm lost, I'm lonely, I'm writing my funeral. Line by line, not expecting anyone to be there, but still. I want to be prepared, I don't want to cause more harm than I already did. I need a notary, my will, I must specify my will.... Got to be prepared, I never stopped my life insurance, I wonder whether it 'll pay his mortgage back, bet he'd like that.
"though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for I deserve every sling and arrow that wrecks me..."
I shall not yield I shall not yield Broken inside dead beyond saving. I cannot yield. You do not love me. Things I want I cannot have. Things I lost I can't have back. Useless creature created by light. Nothing but air, swift loss in sight. Everyone scared when my true nature shows. Too beautiful for earth. No place for me. Everything hurts, I'm dying from the inside out.
I dreamt my death last night. I left five hearts broken and the rest of the world relieved. The laughter still echoes in my ears. Glad you're dead. Glad you're dead... Glad you're finally out of my head... Cruel life. I did it myself. I created it. I know I deserve it. Vicious creature, overcomen with fear, not making decisions, all 'll be alright in the end. But it won't. Things will never be alright again. I'll never sleep again. I love you more than living.
Another day another mystery revealed. Talking all night about how you feel, how you still miss her, how you feel guilty for letting her down, lying to her, how perfect she was, that it might have been a mistake. Old feelings that stride with your life now, don't think I don't know what you mean. That's why you ask me why I let you stay, you want me to give you the reason to go back. I can't, I can't give you the reason, I've got the same battle to fight. You will never have suffered enough, and neither will I. We're screwed either way, we can't go without eachother for it's the same reason that keeps us together, we're waiting to get hurt, or hoping the pain 'll go away eventually. We're not that different in many ways. It hurts, it hurts so bad. At least you still talk to her, you can ease your guilt by helping her with your words. Though it's starting to get tougher and tougher not to be with her. I'm still cut off from the world. I can't breathe. I don't want to breathe. I love you, but I don't...
