But did I listen oh no siree, I did not. I put money in another wallet and ordered again last night. So I failed once again. 

Do I regret what I did, yes I do. Why did  I do it? Because I knew it was coming and I figured better get it over with. 

Lousy reason I know. 

I was doing fine and now my day is ruined. Superb. 

I passed somme people and heard them say, you don't do that -no you don't do that. And the run was over. They were rigth I hadn't been paying any attention to Layki and this was too hard for her. I really did not think it was too hot. But it was for her, I called a vet to ask her and she confirmed I should not go running with my dog in this weather. I was pissed. I gave up everyhing for her and all I ask of her is that she goes running with me and now that was taken away. So my dog went form annoying to being the light of my life to being annoying again. And yes I know how this sounds. I am a spoiled little brat, a bitch, a terrible person. Realising that is no fun either. I actually started listening to the things being said in my head and I do realise I am a dreadful person, awful . I judge and I hate, but I am the worst of them all. So things werent't going my way and I was in fysical an emotional pain and so I went online to look. I didn' do it but I came damn close.

I need to learn to accept who I am, if I can't accept it, how can I expect others to accept me???

God damned. She went and told our superior. Of course she did. Rat that she is. 

I really do not like people and least of all those at work. I need to focus and just do my job and stop obsessing about my collegues. This is going to get me fired. I am going to get me fired. 

She 's always saying bad things about a collegue in regards to parking at work and every chance she gets she asks whether she can park inside. And then she complains about not being able to do any excercise, but it never occurs to her that walking from a parking space further from work to work also constitutes as excercise. 

I keep thinking about drugs, which is not a good thing. I need to keep busy during the weekends and keep reminding myself that Layki needs her walks. My weight loss is not going as fast as I want it to, but to be fair I cannot stay away from sweets/cookies. I have a sweet tooth you would not believe.The problem is I want to have it so I buy it, but that does not mean I will eat it all at once. Often it takes me months before finishing something, but these things have expiration dates and I also like variety, I want to have choices, lots of choices, so I end up with a cupboard filled with cookies and candy with no clue how I will ever eat it all. So than I hand it out at work. My parents don't want it, my brother is usually on a diet and my sisster doesn't need it - weigth issues run in the family another present from my mother.

These genes I got from my mother: the fat gene (genome??), the addiction gene and the cancergene. So Thank you very much mother . 

I love going to the supermarket and the more supermarkets I visit the more temptations I come across.

 

I got my haircut this weekend, but I didn't shave it. I am too old for that kind of hairstyle and it required mainetenance - I had to blowdry it and put product in in order for it to stay put. I do not have the time for those things. I always let the wind dry my hair. 

I like it now. 

Yesterday, I was offiially clean for 3 months, so I bought myself a little present, and no it wasn't drugs, but a statue of the angel of death. It is gorgeous. They also had Hell and Lucifer and many others, but those 2 I also want

We have coloncancer in our family and I need to get this checked out. My doctor asked me all kinds of questions that I did not know the answer to. The only one who can tell me anything, my mother, is not interested in telling me anything. All she cares about is that she does not have cancer. 

I aksed her if she doesn't care about the health of her 2 daughters and she answered NO. 

I think she meant that, at that moment , she didn't care. But I was shocked none the less. 

Me and my mother don't get along, she critizises everything  I do. She can never accept anything I do or say. 

I tried my very best to improve the relationship but  I have had enough. 

Onwards to better things - finally finished painting the living room; I picked the right color, but have to wait until tomorrow to see it in its full glory. it is red. 

And I made an appointement with the hairdresser for tomorrow. The second one this year. Which is odd because I usually 

go only once a year to the hairdresser.

I want to try something new, half long, half shaven. will let you know whether I went through with it.