I keep wondering if I made the right decision to learn for an other job, the decision I have made in February.  

First in the summer I had to choose and than I also didn't know what I wanted but then I choose one of the studies that I thought I would like and I did. And everything went so good, I had nice friends and I liked to go to the class everyday and I wanted to be like the teacher on my work placement. 

But then the exam period started and everything went so wrong, every subject was hard to understand when I learned it nothing made sense and it was so much. And I didn't know how I ever could be someone for that job.

Than I made the examination and always when I filled it in, it went good. My points that I saw later were also good 

but I still felt not ok just because that period got me so much stress and frightening so I thought I had no choose and my mom also said it would be better for me if I changed... so I did, because I didn't want to feel that way anymore, I was so tired of being stressed. 

The other study, the one I follow now, that I know was less difficult was the only option I thought I had. But that decision was so hard for me it felt so wrong and so right at the same time and honestly I still don't know. It keeps me up and I ask that question everyday to myself ( what do I want to do later) but I can't find the answer and it kills me not to know the answer. It makes me cry over and over again.

I thought when I would change I would feel better and sometimes it does because the things I have to learn I understand and I like it, I think its very interesting. And I have more time for myself again that I didn't had before, I had no time for myself I always was learning and making tasks and on school I didn't understand what the subjects had to do with the job.

But now in that new study alignment I'm afraid that I will not be able to do that job because you have to be able to see blood and all kinds of horrible things and I still don't know if I can handle that because one day I really think I can and the other I'm not sure. One day I think that's exactly what I want to get out of a job to mean something to someone, to help, to care, to look after, to recover a person. All those things are exactly what I want to get out of it. But on other days I keep wondering if I'm the person to handle all those things and sometimes I think its to frightening and than I think I want to do something else and if I ask myself than what I would want, I don't know again. Thats when the same questions begin over and over again. 

One answer that I'm thinking since a few days is that I wouldn't want to go back to that first decision, that's what came up a few times if I ask myself what I would do if I would change again but the problem is like its with all my answers on those questions are that one day I think like that and the other day I think something different.

And there's also that feeling that I feel inferior because the study's are less difficult, honestly a little bit easy. And everyone else (most of the people except the one that study the same job) have examenations and I think does are the once who work hard. And now I have the feeling I was to coward to hold on, and that everyone things I am but it didn't felt right. And now I have also a class with many older people and people from a different languages and not really people I would hang out with, there are only 3 people I can talk to but still not like I'm use to so I feel a little bit alone here.

So one part of me things its better that way and an other part of me don't know what to do or what to want. For me that's sometimes hard to deal with because I like to have everything in place and to be happy and now I feel like one day I know and other day I don't know, and now I have moments that I'm happy and than other moments I keep wondering and than I feel sad again or feel nothing.

L.

xxx

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X. Liesje