I wish I could wright something that means something to someone, I wish my english was perfect, I wish my boyfriend would call me right now to tell me he loves me. I wish I had a job, something great, so I could smile every day. I guess I wish a lot of things and I don't know where to begin to make it all oke.
Lately I feel like I don't fit in the world, or maybe I don't fit in, in the right world. My boyfriend has a totally diffrent friend-group, most of those people know who I am, but they can't seem to find a way to talk to me. And I don't mean, talking as huging me, giving me a meaningless kiss and leave again. They all do that, I don't really understand why. I guess it's a good start, they accept me. They are all younger than me and I can feel they are not in the same place as I am. I know I love my boyfriend very much, I want to marry him someday (I know, I changed my mind, a girl can do that once in a while). I don't need a lot of beer to have a good time, they certainly do. I don't want to tare them down, they are good people and most of them are really friendly. I begin to think it's my fault. I know I'm not the greatest speaker, I'm shy and sometimes I just don't care enough to open my mouth. Maybe things would be different if I talked more about silly things (people do that and seem to like it when other people talk silly back.). Enough of his friends, I'll let you know how I'll deal with that.
About my boyfriend and the marrying-ussue. I love him, unconditionally. He's my rock, always. I know, sometimes I want to kill him, but overall he's the best boy I can wish for (here I am, with my wishing again). I do want to marry him, eventually.
Yeah, today I had one of those days. You wake up and you just know everything will go bad that day. Okay I admit I was a bit tired from the party but hey I'm a student, that's my duty. I went to school around 8 o'clock, felt like it was 6. First couple of lessons were alright. I only had difficulty with keeping my eyes open. Strange thing. Eventually I got trough the day. But than I got home and turned on my music. I know...I'm better of not doing that. The people who really know me, know I life for music. Some days I listen to the beat. But most of the time it's the lyric that's important to me. I try to understand what they're saying. The song I played was Bosten. And than my head starts to think. I don't think I'm doing so well in life. I still don't know if what I study is the right thing for me. I also don't know if my boyfriend is the man I wanne be married to. Not that I don't love him. I do, with all my heart. But come on, every women needs attention. And I don't know if what I'm getting right now is enough. I was never with anyone else but him. Sure I loved some other guys, but it was never more than a fling. I wonder what it would be like. Would it be the same? I'm afraid to let other people in. I don't wanne start over with anyone. I wanne know them completly right away. Not go trough the awkward part. I know, that's not possible. But I just can't take the risk of not being happy. I told my boyfriend I was afraid, because I don't know what the world can offer me. Is there something out there that even winks to the perfect man? He told me he understood. One way, I was happy he did. We could finally talk about important things in life. But why didn't he just say he loved me and he would make me happy for the rest of my life? Maybe he wonders to. About the same things I do. Maybe he isn't so diffrent.
At the end of the day he's the one who holds me, calls me to ask if I'm still in love with him or carries my back when my rib hurts. I'm quite sure he loves me and I can feel I love him back.
Still there's this empty space or maybe I just think to much.
We all want to be loved. We all want our partner to like our friends and vica verca. With every boy/girlfriend we have, we secretly hope 'this is the one'. If all hopes are the same, how is it possible that there still failing relationships? So what about my realtionship?
It wasn't going so well between us. We are very diffrent, you can almost say we are opposits. And I'm not a great believer of 'opposits attract'. He's loud (most of the time), I'm more a listener. He had a diffrent education than me, since he always does what he wants, and I always talk to my parents first. He likes to sleep naked, I like to have something on. This are all little details but still they are a big part of our lifes. A few days ago he said to me 'we need to talk'. I think everybody will agree with me if I say that those words are not the kind of words you want to hear. But he just wanted to talk. Did you ever meet a guy who just 'wanted to talk'. No? Neather did I. Offcours I started to crie when he said 'I don't think we're doing so well...'. I knew that allready, so you think that's nothing new...but I didn't need him to say it out loud. We talked for a few hours. We both said what was wrong in our relationship according to us. At the end of our conversation I was more in love with him than I did before. When you hear something like 'I want to be with you forever and always, I can't be without you' you get pretty happy.
So now we're doing quite allright. He tells me everyday that he loves me and we try to live with each others diffrences. Our relation is all about compromises. I don't know if other people do that in a relationship. Do you have to compromise to be in a good relationship or do you always have to fight for the things you want. And that means you will never be completly happy 'cause nobody is perfect.
I think I prefer my way and I'm perfectly happy with it.
What is it with attention? I have two moods, I can be very quiet or very open, but I never, and I repeat with a note of exclamation I never do something for attention. Some people scream for just one word. Today I met myself. I know I need drama in my life, who doesn't? But seriously enough is enough. A friend of mine said to the teacher 'I don't care, I'm leaving anyway', I'm sorry I just don't understand how people can be that way. They're so confident and sure. People always talk about what they want, need and dream about. But once they've got it, they want the opposit. All those people making up stories or just make them bigger. And the other ones laugh about every joke, come on people we all know that not every joke is funny. Why can't people just be thereselves? Everything would be some much easier. Maybe this is better, it makes life interesting.
I think today I just didn't understood the people around me and lived in my own little happy-town.
Well, here I am, 19 years old and most of the time my life is difficult and simple at the same time. Most people say I think to much, about life, school and boyfriends. Sometimes I will not be in the mood to write and sometimes I will not make any sence, but eventually, I do this for me and not for anyone else. Today I have not seen one episode of one tree hill, this is particullary strange for me. I think it's a great show and yeah maybe I do have an obsession. When I watch one tree hill I try and compare my own life with theirs. I know this is stupid and childish but hey I need a life...I do wanne be as independant as brooke, and as artistic as peyton. I know I can better be happy with who I am but...don't you ever wish you were someone else? Someone greater, better, stronger, faster? If I would be someone else, all of my memories would disappear and I would never have met the people I know. I don't think I could pay that price, just to be someone better, faster or greater. So just for today I think I'm quite alright.
