This week we haven't spoken so much and I'm starting to give it a place in my mind.........we did speak almost every day, just for a few minutes, which makes it strange, because there is so much I want to tell him, but we don't have the time due to circumstances......
Today our connection wasn't so good, which made that we had to stop after just a few moments, after an hour, which wasn't so bad, because this way I could get some work done, but after an hour the connection was fixed, and he contacted me again.....and as always before the weekend we try to make it kind of special.....and we keep getting interrupted every five minutes by ringing phones and mails, but ah....we're both busy persons, if you think about it it's even strange that we find (or make) the time to talk to eachother as often as we can.....
I still feel a lot for him, he does too, now I'm going to leave for a week on a business trip and will be alone, without my family, when I'll get back we are all together going on a holiday for 3 weeks and I won't be able to talk to him for 3 weeks, he's going away too with his family, this freaks me out already......
Perhaps it's for the best this way, we'll see how we feel after this period, you are expected to celebrate the holidays together in all harmony....perhaps we'll both feel that it was just a thing that we had to go through and that we feel good with our family....
We'll see......i'll try to write about how I feel next week and what's going on in my mind then......
Yesterday I sent him an e-mail, and I know he won't read it untill this evening, so I'm getting annoyed.....
I told him this has to stop, I can't think straight anymore, can't concentrate and we're only making things harder for ourselves....he's been having difficulties and so am I....I can't do this anymore.....but on the other hand, I can't let him go......I think I love him......
Why is this happening to me, why can't I get a hold of myself and control my thaughts and my feelings......I never thought I would loose control like this.....
I think of him all day long, even in my dreams he keeps turning up......I can't talk to anyone about my feelings, but yesterday I couldn't hold myself anymore and after talking to a very good friend of mine, I confessed having feelings for someone else, without giving any details away......
He has always warned me of not doing this, because he knows that friends can make or brake you.......so, I also confessed to him, that because I needed someone to talk to, I told my friend, who I trust with this secret..........I wonder how he'll take it........he won't be glad......
But what can I do, besides blog it away.......this only feels good as long as I'm writing, afterwards I'm still stuck with all my feelings and all alone, whitout anyone to talk to........I feel terrible.......
We told eachother we would meet thursday online. Nothing went like planned that day, I got home too late, and once I was home I couldnt get online, something wrong with my connection. God, I was getting so annoyed. I sent him an sms to tell him I couldnt get online, but he didnt answer immediately, so I thaught perhaps he wasnt alone, shoot, what did I do ?
After about an hour, he phoned me to ask what was wrong, and why I didnt appear online, I told him I couldnt and he was very dissapointed, as was I! We talked a little on the phone and he had to leave. He was unable to get online before monday, because he was leaving for a long weekend with his wife, which he didnt realy wanted to do, but well, we knew we were both taken, and wouldnt leave our partners.
Ten minutes after the call, I tried to get online again, and I did. Yes, but he wasnt online anymore, shoot, he already left. So, I sent him an e-mail, saying perhaps it just wasnt ment to be, everything seemed to work against us
Friday morning I had to work on my computer, and when I got online, he was there, just out of bed, looking wild, very dissapointed about yesterday and felt awfull he appologised to me and told me he got into a fight yesterday with his wife, because he had me on his mind, he missed me
we both feel the same, but both dont want to ruin what we have, at least I dont , he doesnt seem to be bothered if his wife would leave him, but he wouldnt take the step, unless I do
We talked for a little and then I had company so, again, we were interrupted and couldnt continue talking. He told me he would phone me monday and hoped to see me online again. I told him I didnt know when I would be able, because I had a lot of work to do, and would try to get online
That afternoon, I couldnt hold myself, needed to hear his voice again, so I sent him an e-mail he asked for professionaly, and called him on his mobile. He was in the car, the speaker was on, and I knew by the way he frooze that his wife was sitting next to him and that she could here me, so I introduced myself and told him I was just calling to tell him I sent him the required e-mail he responded very formel and was very polite, as was I, he asked about the weather in our place and I started to get nerveous, he wished me and my family a fine weekend and so did I
When I hung up the phone, I could kill myself, I sent him an e-mail saying I was sorry for the fuck up and that I just wanted to hear his voice, shoot, what did I do ?
At this moment, I wouldnt wish for anything more than to be with him, Im falling in love with him so hard that I just dont know what to do anymore. I cant help myself, keep thinking of him, butterflies keep going through my body, and I know he feels the same, but I also know we dont have a future together ..do we ?
Two more days, and Im going to see him, or should I just make an end to it, this is going on for too long, and it isnt leading anywhere, we are just making things harder on ourselves, but its stronger than me, I cant help myself .
Its sunday now, and its been two days since I last heard him .I feel terrible, cant concentrate cant stop thinking of him, he even haunts me in my dreams .
Yesterday I drunk too much and fell a sleep, he promised he would send me an e-mail, but even that seems too much of an effort, I feel so alone, and I shouldnt, I feel guilty, I should stop it now before it goes any further, at least thats what my common sence tells me, but I know I cant .
Normally hell be waiting for me tomorrow to get online, but I wont, lets see how he reacts to this, I wonder if hell call me, I feel so weak .why cant I get a hold of myself .
He can see when I got online the last time, because he never closes his account, but I feel sabotaged by this system, because I need to get online, even if it is to work
Anyway, my work is suffering, and I need to be more productive, so I am going to my appointments tomorrow and will be in late, so if hes still online, hell let me know I guess
You see, I just cant get him out of my head and its making me crazy, I truly feel dissapointed with myself at times, but when I hear or see him online, everything else just dissapears and I feel great, so why not enjoy it while it lasts I know were making it difficult for ourselves but still, I just enjoy it too much, cant explain it, it just is what it is
I am a woman in my thirties, have had a big life change, since I moved last year with my husband and children to another state thousands of miles away. We are freelancers who can work from wherever we are, we kept a lot of clients from back home. Most of them business people who travel a lot too, we keep on travelling back to our old hometown too and all over the world.
We keep in contact with a lot of people throug e-mail and skype, which makes everything so easy. I have had a kind of a midlife crisis when I became 30 and wanted to through my life in an other direction, I realised the town our children were growing up wasnt good for them and wanted more green and freedom in their life, a little back to basics. But with a financial back up which makes it possible to have everything we were used to, just in a smaller community in the middle of nowhere, just nature, a better climate, no violence and our family together
Ive lived good and freely till I met my husband, he was the one for me, I have never been unfaithfull and never thought I could be. He gave me beautifull children, really cares about me, he helps in the house, helps with the children and would do anything for us. Shortly I have the perfect man
But still, a couple of years ago, I felt more than I should for a friend of my husband, we flirted a little, but nothing ever happened, I realised I couldnt go ahead with it, because I had my principles, I would never betray my husband So, I just avoided him, and after a while the feelings went away, I thought it would be easy
Now, after living more than a year somewhere else, without our friends close to us and meeting new people, I have noticed that Im still good in the market, lets say But still noone could make me crazy enough to feel anything more than usual for men, I do feel charmed and good about the attention I get, but nothing more
I do the business deals in our partnership and my husband does the labour lets say which means I have to sit down and talk to a lot of different people and make deals
A couple of months ago, I had a meeting with a client we have for as long as I know my husband, when I first met him, lets call him Jeff, he was in a relationship and had a baby girl, he seemed happy with his wife, but still there was some kind of a connection between us, I wasnt married but felt confident of my relationship and couldnt believe that Jeff would feel anything for me, he was much older too and so I just had a connection with him for a couple of years as a client.
I used to bump into him over those first years and I could feel a lot of tension whenever we met, he always asked me to go for a drink if I had the time, so we did sometimes, but we always talked about business and very little of our family. The last time I met him was about 10 years ago, right before I got married, he was startled with the news and I didnt hear from him for about 8 years
He used to talk to my husband first, but he always told him to talk to me about the figures, so he did he called me a few times, after we made the move, and finally I met him about a year ago in our hometown, where we used to live, since I do fly over now and then
He wanted to make an order and he agreed to the price I gave him, but he had to be patiened because we work differently now, and I couldnt deliver for a couple of months. That was no problem he said, we kept in touch for months, and since we had a lot of work, it took about 6 months to finish his order. We had a few orders to deliver, so I flew back home and tried to meet him, but he was out of town, and wouldnt be back for another 2 weeks, I couldnt stay that long. We talked about every day at first and I told him that I had to get back in 5 days, so we started communicating through webcam, because he always had a problem with not seeing me through the phone
I was so naive that I couldnt believe his motives, after all these years, he finaly confessed his feelings for me, I didnt know what to say at first, I had blocked him out of my memory and looked at him as being one of our clients
Time had past since our first encounter and I had to admit that even though I hadnt heard or seen him for years I sometimes wondered what was going on with him and his life
The day after his confession we talked again and I admitted that I was very charmed with him when I first met him and that I felt a lot of tension whenever I met him, but that even in my darkest dreams I could believe what he was saying to me now wasnt it too late, I was married, had children, moved away he wasnt married, but still with the same woman and their daughter was getting big now, he travelled all over the world and was hardly at home
But I couldnt deny my feelings for him, I felt 18 again, totally in love, with the butterflies and everything, he made me feel so special, but still I loved my husband
After every word we shared I felt more confident I could trust him, he trusted me too, and we started having kind of a secret affair through the internet, which evolved into more with the help of the webcam, we had cybersex, or how do you call it ?
When he first told me what he wanted to do to me, I felt so hot, I couldnt believe myself, what about my principles, where they nothing worth anymore I just felt safe that he wasnt nearby and there was no real threat that anyting fysical could happen between us thats what we kept telling eachother but who are we kidding
I felt so guilty after my first orgasm with him, did I betray my husband, off course I did, but not realy fysical did I ? After discussing it with him, I told him this had to end, it was impossible, it could destroy a lot for both of us
He told me it was all up to me, but that I didnt have to feel guilty, because I did masturbate too, didnt I, especially when I was away, this was somewhat the same, but with the difference that I was starting to fall for him and that I was having sex online, I couldnt believe it, I never did this before what was going on with me ? I felt so confident about the move and the changes in our life and now I felt insecure again .
Whenever he called me, I got so nervous, I felt my haert beating in my throat, I loved his voice and what he was saying to me, perhaps it was the attention I got that I loved, but why the butterflies and why didnt they go away .didnt I love my husband anymore ?
We talked everyday and a lot, the last day before I had to leave we had cybersex again, I dont know how else to call it, since I never had this expirience before, I thought that would be it, I would leave in the morning and after getting home it had to stop
When my husband came to pick me up, I felt a little guilt but also love for my husband so I thought it would pass away I had wonderfull sex with my husband and had an orgasm, so I felt very good again, but must confess that while making love to my husband Jeff was in my thaughts so that same evening I just felt compulsed to hear Jeff
So, I went online, and there he was, waiting for me we talked and he asked me if I had sex with my husband, I told him yes, and I could feel the tension between us, and then he said it was normal because he was my husband, he did feel a little jaleous, but that was normal, he was thinking so sober and I was so confused, I couldnt think clear
The next couple of days, we stayed in touch, talked for hours and then he was going home, so we planned not to call eachother any more for at least a week the hardest week of my life
I had left his order with someone, where he could go and pick it up when he was back home we e-mailed for business purposes that week, with some messages hidden between the lines, which made me so wanting him
After that week, he called me, he still had feelings for me and I for him, but things were more complicated now, I was at home and so was he most of the times we cant talk openly because our partners would be standing next to us or at least in the same room but that tension made it more hot for both of us
So, now we talk during the week, at least once a day, but in the weekends we have our family and cant talk, this makes it very difficult for me, sometimes I think what the hell am I doing, Im having an affair, but then again I keep telling myself its not physical yet at least
I feel so alone in this matter, we both cant discuss it with anyone, because it could ruin too much, and we both dont know where this will lead, and or if its gonna last
thats why I started this blog, noone knows me, and I can express myself at least .
will keep it updated with what happens and if anyone has any comments, I would love to hear them .and I know, most people with think Im a bitch for betraying my husband, but it doesnt realy feel like this, because I still love my husband a lot, I just never thought I could love 2 men at the same time, and thats my biggest dilemma .I have had to reconsider a lot of my principles .nothing is just white or black, there does seem to be a grey area in life
Het maken van een blog en het onderhouden is eenvoudig. Hier wordt uitgelegd hoe u dit dient te doen.
Als eerste dient u een blog aan te maken- dit kan sinds 2023 niet meer.
Op die pagina dient u enkele gegevens in te geven. Dit duurt nog geen minuut om dit in te geven. Druk vervolgens op "Volgende pagina".
Nu is uw blog bijna aangemaakt. Ga nu naar uw e-mail en wacht totdat u van Bloggen.be een e-mailtje heeft ontvangen. In dat e-mailtje dient u op het unieke internetadres te klikken.
