I had a big accedent with my motorcycle yesterday, I didn't really hurt anything but my shoulder but it's not broken. My motorcycle is total loss tho so I had to search for another one and with for the insurance company to pay for everything etc etc. 

On the otherhand tomorrow I'll write about how I feel and what I would really love in life. I'd just love to have someone next to me again. Someone to sleep with, and I know it's not that easy but I just need some actually perhaps I'd sleep better Idk we'll see. 

But i'll write tomorrow cause I just came home and I'm tired ;)

goodnight peeps 

Today as I said this night. I wasn't gonna sleep very much. So I slept about 2 and a half hour ;). But felt alright untill those boring listing class of french and English bah xD Fell asleep in English.

Today was a little better, felt myself a bit better but had a harse day on school tho. All that work we have to do and stuff but I'm trying to keep up. We and my college are doing everything we can. 

Today on evening class I finished my welding of my football but I could blow it up because the pump can only pump until 70Bar and for the football we need abot 150 - 200 bar. So I kinda sucks... 

I'm having a headache now and going to bed early but I wanted to let you know I'll be back on intensive blogging but perhaps with some more pictures and songs now aswell through out the blog. 

I'm trying to figure out if I'm alone or not most of the time but I know there are people around me, well actually not around literally but somewhere close who think about me. So thank you and I know you are there so I'll try to keep my head on for you ;) 

Goodnight peeps, I love you ;) 

Let's start with why I'm back here ;) First of all it's for those reading this, those people texting/ mailing me. Asking about my blog. People who perhaps don't know me but care. Thanks for letting me know that you are here. And for me it means that I should write. 

Lets first say the situation right now. I'm physically broken ;) Just from all weekend working working working ;) I'm here home for an hour. Worked almost 12hours today and 10,5 hours yesterday; But them money is kinda handy for paying everything of my motorcycle and car, which puts a little bit of stress on me. It's 23.45 now and I'm going to finish in 15 min but we'll see. I have to leave at 4am to take my bosses to the airport so.

I'd say what do you wanne here first, good or bad news. But I shall choice for you. Let's start with the better things.

I'm kinda finding myself a little inside my new club. Since I'm in a motorcycle club with some other youngh people and with supersports ;) For those who didn't know, I drive a motorcycle a Yamaha supersport. Since start of this month I'm with the club. Great guys, been on tour with them twice now. Normally I was going to drive wit them to "Doel" yesterday but I had to go to work since my boss is still sick and it was her birthday so. With the club I've been on cafe and had great evenings. Normally today there was a reception but I had to work, next time I'l be there tho. 

Another great thing about the club is in 2 weeks I'll be on weekend with them 1, 2, 3 april. Gonig to drive together and have fun ;) I'm looking forward to that weekend, atleast that's something to look forward to ;). 

Friday I went to a metal concert and it was fun, Sabaton was worse then in Belgium but still awesome ;) For Alestorm on the other hand was better in the Netherlands ;). For both of them  was almost at the front row so I was happy ;). 

I'm not sure if there is anything else that happend were I feel good with ;)

Bad things now. Hmm xD

Let's start with the fact that because of a stupid stupid guy I lost a great friend. Just because Mister is to Jealous, and doesn't want his gf to have friends. But that's why I lost a great girl. Although we still have contact since we really need someone to talk too. We still have contact with eachother although she has to text me first all the time now ;)

Second is school which really gets me mad lately well couple of things on school .

First of all there is all this work we have to do. Some of our teachers want us to make Labo's in less time and make the report at the same time. Others want us to make a full report with every little detail till the next day... Meanwhile we have projecting French and english that we have to study.. 

On the other hand there is projects ... We have to type the report and I didn't have much time lately for it, meanwhile it kinda sucks to tho. I open it and I see it and i'm like NOOO you got to be kidding me ... So from tomorrow on I'll be the one typing and sending everything again. because I can't affort bad points for this kinda things. I don't wanne redo my semester ... So I'm gonna take some more things on my shoulders but hey all we can achieve by ourselfs is something we learned ;) 

I'm not sure we I can trust anymore on school tho. I'm feeling bad at school useing my headset lately to listen to music. Walkign alone, going to eat alone sometimes. 

On work I'm having stress since everytime I'm going at work it's going bad. Look like friday I was at the concert and no one else could come and work. We have 6 waiter girls and none of them could come to work... I'm like for one time I'm gone and no one can come. actually no one can come ever. Everyone has to do something .. I'm like am I the only person without a life then ?! Anyway stop stressing about that. I hope 1-2 april won't be a problem since I return sunday 3th for working already I'm not goingto return earlier... 

My foot still hurts like hell sometime, just like today ;) While walking to much I start to feel it and I start to mis step myself so .. Anyway that's perhaps because of the concert ;).

At home I'm getting mad since my parents never cook. They only get fast food and stuff. But for those who don't know it my mom is hope every day, okay she can't go to the shop but she could ask my dad to go to the shop. My dad works 8 hours a day so even he has plenty of time I think, but noooo damn fast food ... I'm getting sick of it but hey if I say something about it the house is to little for me  and my dad ...

Lately I've gained some weight and I'm feeling bad about it. but looking like it this week I lost about 500grams again comparing to last week, perhaps that's because of the little sleep. But from today I'll try to go run a bit again. I'll start doing some sport instead of no sport ;). We'll see. 

Sorry about the long post but hey here I am again ;) Thanks for those mailing me. if there are more people here reading and thinking about me mail me and we can chat cause I like to chat to people and maybe we get along maybe we don't but you can only see when you mail me ;) 

Some songs I'm listing to this week and right now: 

Goodnight peeps and thanks, you have on idea how good it does to see that anyone reads it ;) xx 

I'm sorry for the longer break and I know some of you wonder why, but I'll explain.

It's just I'm trying to escape from reality, run away from the present. I'm not feeling well and on the other side I'm getting better. 

As some of you know I just joined a motorcycle club so I'm very happy about that but I'm just wondering all the time, those guys take me as I am now and don't know my past. Those guys look like familie even tho I only know them for this little time. I'm wondering if that has anything to do with me or is that to everyone tho. I'm wondering If i told them my past what would they say. 

I'm just trying to run away actualy. Today I drove about 300km with the guys, some package delivery etc ;) I'm not sure what to do tho I wanne leave and stay on my bike. Driving and keep driving. I wish that was possible. I have no idea from my feelings anymore as well, What do I feel? I feel attracted to a person while I'm sure things won't every be possible. I'm not sure what to do sometimes.

Some of you may know that I have problems sleeping, but almost nobody knows why and I'll explain: 

I'm having problems with nightmares, 2 kinda of nightmares but both involving friends and loved ones. Not the worst one is the fact that in my dreams people leave me, friends leave me. We start having arguments and settle down and then argue again etc etc. And a surtain time those people leave me, and I'll be standing here alone. The worst kind of nightmare is the fact that I see people dieing infront of me; I see people just laying in my arms like Tessa did. I'm jsut so afraid because some things look so real and it's hard to see what's real and what's not. 

I just want people to know that it's not your fault that I stopped texting and posting blogs but I'm just lost in some ways and I'm trying to find a place to hook myself on, just for the moment so I could rest a bit. Just that little bit of rest would do me great tho

Thanks everybody <3 

I'm not sure how to put it, but I'll try a bit.

There are different things of school which I wanne achieve but can't do it alone. Everything seems 100 times harder when I'm looking at it like I'm doing now. I wanne achieve what them teachers want from me, but I'm not sure if I can. I'm not sure if I'm as capable of doing the things the teachers ask me to do.

I'm trying to make apointments with people and the only thing I learn is that I get left alone at those apointments. School, friends, work everything. I'm not sure if it's even worth trying all the time. Putting effort in those people, maybe I shouldn't.

People say I'm thinking to much, I should stop thinking that much. But I'm not sure how, is there an off button on your head? Can anyone tell me?! 

Every night again and again, I'm trying to sleep but I'm getting nightmare. Every night again 2 or 3 times. Everynight I scream myself awake and If I'd close my eyes everything is still there. Everynight I see people disapearing in my eyes. I see people dieing, people leaving. Sometimes I'm not sure what reality is or what isn't. 

I'm drawing again, perhaps a tattoo if I'd had the money for it. If I'd get a tattoo it will be a bird flying to sky. A Beautiful animal which can escape reality, and see everthing from above. They can enjoy both sides, walking and flying. Singing happily with all those other birds, way up high in the trees. 

I don't know what to wright anymore sorry peeps, I'll try tomorrow again xs 

Hier zijn we terug men gevoelens gaan weer kwadratisch naar beneden. Men hoofd houd het niet meer vol. Waar is de drempel weer gekomen ? Door stomme mensen op school, Mensen die er voor gaan zorgen dat ik men school niet kan afwerken in 3 jaar maar et een extra semester gaat worden. Zo van die stomme mensen. En ik snap het allemaal niet meer... Ik werk 4 dagen in de week ga naar school, avond school, cursus jeugdtrainer, official scheidsrechter. Heb mee moeite tijd om te slapen en nog doe ik alles, nog moet ik men slaaptijd inkorten want anders wordt er niks gedaan. Nog moet ik gaan zoeken naar oplossingen hoe we iets kunnen oplossen want anders blijft het probleem hetzelfde. 

Kijk maar terug naar dat van vrijdag, ik heb nog alles snel moeten doorsturen enzo. Nu krijgen we een mail van een leerkracht die ik vergeten in cc te plaatsen ben blijkbaar. Hierdoor hebben we dus momenteel een probleem en wie gaat dat nu volgende week gaan oplossen denkt ge ? raad maar wie het zal moeten doen ...

I just wish that I could leave this place. Ik wou dat ik naar een plaats kan gaan waar ik enkel de mensen hoef te zien die ik wil zien. Mensen zoals de personen wie ik al meerdere keren heb besproken in deze blog. Mensen zoals Tes,  Mike, M. J. Zij die er doorheen de nacht wel zullen zijn voor me als ik op het randje zit. Zij die mss de mogelijk hebben om me tegen te houden van wat ik zou doen.

Soms denk ik wel van wat zou er gebeuren als ik dit of dat nu doe. Wie zou het dan weten, wie zou er naar vragen waar ik ben... Wie weet als ik nu men auto in het water rij, hoelang zou het duren voor het opgemerkt wordt dat ik weg ben? Al eerst moet er thuis opgelet worden en dat zal toch ook al een dag duren voor dat die iets weten, laat staan dat er dan niets op fb ofzo komt. Wie zou er dan na een tijd zich afvragen waar ik ben? Ik weet het antwoord daar wel op, dat zijn heel weinig mensen. Maar voor de rest zouden enkel zij die me nodig hebben het door hebben... Op de handbal wanneer zouden ze het weten, zodra ze iemand nodig hebben om te scheidsen bv. Op men werk wanneer zouden ze het merken als ik donderdag nu niet meer naar werk kom zou ze me bellen. Het zelfde voor Vrijdag, dan zouden ze al eens bellen naar huis of zien dat er iets is. Maar voor de rest op school ? Ja voor zij die zonder iets te doen willen slagen voor school, zij zouden het opmerken.

Maar tegen dat de helft het door heeft is alles al gepasseerd. Tegen dat iedereen het doorheeft ben ik weg, is men lichaam weg en wat dan? 1 week dat iemand eraan denkt en dan gedaan, een verleden tot het jaar erna? Daar gok ik op... Maar hey maakt niks uit toch, who cares, alsk weg ben ben ik weg. En hopelijk ben ik dan naar een beter plaats...

I'm sorry for those reading this and don't understand this I'm just feeling terrible and text me if you want a translation.

Sorry peeps, I'm going now, off to work ;) 

I left this morning at 8u30am so I'm sorry for all those little and slow blogs ;)

I just came home about 45min ago so it was a pretty long long day and didn't had time to sit down tho.

I'm tired as F* but I slept pretty well, and I guess I will aswell today but that's just a guess. I'm feeling pretty well, just only about the fact that there is this girl, who really really can make me happy and she knows it. I know she is having problems of herself and she doesn't want to admit that she can make me smile. But she has to know it. And she reads this, I know that. So for everybody else, the girl I'm talking to is a very special and kind person, which I can't lose anymore in my life. She means alot to me, although she could think otherwise. Sorry if I ever make you feel uncomfy ;) 

I'm going to right some random self writen texts today since it was a very long day and didn't had any problems since i didn't have had any time to think ;). 

**

Today I dropped a tear in to the ocean. This tear represents the love I feel for you. That one little tear of happiness, inside the big big ocean. And what if I told you that only when somebody finds that tear I will stop loving you.

**

You can keep fighting and things can still go wrong. You can stop trying and nothing will go on. It's just about you wanting stuff to change. It's about you, who constantly stands up and retries. You have to be the one who keeps chasing your dreams. You don't have to fight for anyone else. In the end it's only what you feel that mathers, think about that. 

**

Heey you, yea you. I just wanne tell you that I care and that I'll be the one who stays by your side. I won't be the one of your future nor the one of your past. Just let me be the one who walks besides you and gives you that hand when needed. 

**

Some times can be harse and I could say  that I've been through some hard times. Not as hard as some other peoples but to me those were hard times. And for that I know life is hard and brings alot of difficult times with itself but know that you ain't alone. Even in the darkest places you'll be able to find someone, and if you can't find anyone, just call me and I'll be the one you'll find.

**

If you need someone to yell at, just call me and you can yell as much as you want. If you need someone to talk to, call me and I'll be listing. If you need someone to cry with, call me and I'll cry with you. Even if you need someone, but won't say anything. Call me and I'll be the one that's quite with you. Whenever you'er down I'll be there for you.

***

Heeey you who reads this I love you !! <3

and that special girl, to you I give you the most love of my heart now ;) 

Goodnight peeps

Hey peeps 

Some for the scheduling, has to be send by the same time and I'm the only guy who wrote anything in it... 

Enough about school.

I'm feeling little better since I slept a little better this night and I'm able to go to work again in the evening so I'm not sitting here at home anymore. I'm busy than ;) not thinking about stupid stuff. Yesterday I did some drawing again, Makes me little better, still thinking about my tattoo but ain't got money for it so future possiblities ;).

Normally tonight I was going to eat on my work but something came between it, so I hope we can do the "date" another time. Instead I'm going to work again ;). So I'll have to finish my homework before 5pm ;). 

I wish I could hug more people, cause that would make me feel better aswell. But I'm not seeing anyone lately so yea.. 

My head is starting to settle a bit in the cave. Not sure if I'll try to find some light now or just keep walking to the dark. Whatever will happen, it will happen for a reason. 

Goodday peeps