Here i am once more, how the hell do i keep finding this place after long times... Since my last post much has happened. Just when i was thinking things were over a somewhat new friend really picked me up from the ground in a very subtle way. I actually was enjoying living again and that reflected itself on alot of things. Obviously i am still alive and for some time i actually think i was somewhat happy again. At this moment the "happy high" is somewhat over. I'm not as deep as i was the last couple of years and at least that's a good thing i guess. What is creeping me out at this moment is that as i'm getting older i can't seem to get anywhere in love...
It's just really hard to see such a girl with someone else who takes her for granted and doesn't really care that much for her. Sometimes when we we talk online(skype, facebook,...) she really seems to like me but then he comes along and all is ruined. So after a while i gave up on her and said to myself it couldn't be. But then suddenly she came to a party of our student union with some others and she asked if she could crash at my place. I got some hope again. That evening was a catastrophe. First she got angry because some of her friends implied that the only reason she could crash at my place was because i wanted "something aka sex" more. After that we got to the party and we never really said much to eachother. Suddenly my friend whi helped me out of the pit i was in is kissing her and kept kissing her the entire evening at every place we went to... At a moment i couldn't take it anymore and drank insane amounts of beer to just be numb. so when the party ended in the morning i just went home thinking they would spent the night together anyway. But suddenly she came running after me asking where i was going because she wanted to sleep at my place. So when we arrived we just started talking for 3 hours straight(both really drunk) but just when things got to the point that we had to admit if we had anny feelings for eachother she broke it off and said she wanted to sleep. The next day i felt bad because firstly my friend just stole the girl i really like and secondly because she obviously doesn't want to say ii to my face that she doesn't see me as anything else then a friend.
so again i tried ti get over it all but 2 months later she starts chatting to me again and tells me she really wants to come visit me in a weekend so we can hang out together and do some partying and such. Weird thing was that i subtly told her manny people she knew here would not be here in the weekend (like that friend) and she said she didn't mind as long as i was there. Mixed signals anyone?
In the end i'm doing okish at the moment, i still need alot of alcohol to get through the days just to keep me numb enough. Music, alcohol and cigarettes are my main day filling practices. there is a sonf these days that really helps me through at difficult times--> the editors- the weight of the world The lyrics are cheesy but they giv me hope that hopefully sometime they would be true for me aswell.
Wow, i had forgotten i ever started this crap, just found it again and felt like writing some things down here for no apparent reason. Almost a year has passed since i started this blog, and looking back i am trully amazed that i am typing on it at this moment. At this moment things are as 'great' as ever, very little has changed. The only thing that has changed at this moment is that i am now a complete failure while a year ago i still had the illusion that at least school was somewhat good. Well i even managed to fuck school up. I am feeling like a complete ignorant fool, somehow i can't seem to get anything right. Everyone i know has something going for him/her in life, wether it's school/job/girlfriend/... What do i have? Nothing really. My love life is as nonexisting as god, my academic performance is so depressing i think that, for all my early confidence, i am not one bit smarter than the average factory worker; i have no real close friends, most of them are casual friends at best; i have nothing.
Some time ago i was thinking about who would come to my funeral and who would genuinly miss me. It's sad to say that apart from some close family(and even them...) i doubt anyone would even notice i'm gone let alone be sad about it.
When i look back at the person that graduated high school i often wonder how in gods name things could have gone so downhill(not that it was great to start but still). And i can only come to the conclusion that the amount of failure and crap i had to endure just goes up as i get older, wich makes me not want to get older to begin with. I have survived(yes i call it surviving) till now by grasping on the little things but even those are getting so scare now that i wonder how in gods name i will proceed.
I am trully alone in the world mentally, sure i have familly and friends but i cannot nor want to talk to them about anything more then small talk. I know it might seem werid and perhaps even snobbish of me to say such a thing, there are people who are so much worse off then i am. But that does not change the fact that i'm on a mental island only sea around me and not enough food left to last a long time.
I have given up setting goals for myself, for i never seem to get close to even the simplest ones. My mind wonders off to strange things, not a day goes by i think about it, the one benefit the USA has over belgium, easier gun acces.
Finally the weather has come back to a somewhat normal teperature, the last few days have literally kept me from doing anything productive while i should really have done something. I'm currently experiencing something strange, a feeling of guild i guess. I should be studying, i should be learning my ass off, i know this yet can't find the energy to get myself to it. It's not that the subject is boring, i find it interesting, i just can't get myself to study. I've been feeling tired for a long time, but i always reckoned it was because of my insomnia, i also never was the study-type of guy, but now both are worse then ever. Concentrating my thoughts seems to be getting harder and harder, it's like i have lost the ability to focus my thoughts and energy, this obviously didn't happen overnight, it's been this way since i was in high school, but it has worsened the last 2 years.
I'm planning on going to a festival somewhere next week, going to invite some friends over and hopefully it'll be fun. It will be the last time i'll get drunk before my exams, so i will enjoy it to the limit. I trully plan on getting so wasted as i can get, recapturing that great feeling you have when everything is just perfect and all is well. That's what manny people don't understand, mainly because they remember too few of their drunkness once sober again, but if they would remember that feeling of simple joy and calm, then they would understand. It's great that such a thing exists, for otherwise manny people would just be so unhappy all the time. They say alcohol doesn't make things better, well that's an idiotic statement. It obviously makes things better, it makes you feel better for a while, sure it's not lasting and other things could give you the same feeling but longer lasting, but in short term alcohol is man's best friend.
It is true what they say, the silent treatment is trully the hardest punishment one person can give to another. Saying you'll miss me, that im important and not worthless, while at the same time i have seen you once in 2 and a half months, and heard from you only if i myself took the initiative, it's confusing me to no end. Because am i the one making too big a deal out of this all or is my gut feeling correct? I have hardly slept the last 4 days, mainly the idiotic heat combined with my insomnia, not a nice combo indeed. I can't focus on my school work because i feel like a 100 year old atm, i lack anny kind of energy. One night of complete, nice sleep seems like a myth to me, i can't remember the last time i actually had a good night sleep. People are always thinking they can figure it out easily: "you need to have a strict bio-rythm", "create a ritual before you go to bed", "relax before you go to sleep",... WTF people, do you honestly think i haven't tried all your oh so grand wisdoms before? i haven't slept decently in 2 years and you think i haven't tried these simple things? Really wtf is up with that, and they say that all on a tone of superiority, like they know better and will educate me with their easy 1-2-3 sollutions. It fuckin sickens me, i'm at the point were i just act like nothings wrong just to avoid these oh so fun conversations.
It's remarkably easy to fool people/friends in thinking all is fine, and although they say you don't lie to friends, well i do lie to them about how i feel, what's bothering me, because otherwise i have to go through those stupid conversations and tips and tricks again and i have no need for that. i'm also way too paranoid to tell people what's really going on, and on the rare occasion that i do, i'll only let them have a glimpse of what's there, you never ever tell all your secrets and problems to 1 person, that's asking to get backstabbed someday. Ofcourse i'm saying this all at some blog, so it seems i'm contradicting my own theory of trust, but obviously all i'm writing here is just the tip of the iceberg that can get deleted if i feel like it.
It's funny how the lack of sleep toys with your mind, i'm finding thoughts that were previously unknown to me, some borderline insane, some putting things in perspective. It's like i'm permanently on acid without all the physical consequences and shit, just my mind going unexplored places in rapid pace, the weirdest conclusions come to me.
I also finished the book i got as a present from my older sister, a history of socialism and communism. In my opinion it was not near neutral enough, it completely downplayed the importance of leon trotsky and acted like stalinism = marxism. It's sad to see that this kind of nonsense is getting written and send out. The only really worhtwhile thing about the book is the nice amount of rare pictures from early socialism times, other then that there are way better books written about communism, books that are politicaly neutral.
blood for blood-outlaw anthems-->already knew most songs on this one i just bought it to support the already broken up band.
finntroll-jaktens tid-->also knew some songs on this one, those i didn't know have lived up to my expectations.
so while i'm listening to this metal attack, sweating like hell because it's freakishly hot here atm, i can't really focus my thoughts. Not that that's something new, there's always some sort of thought hurricane inside my head, but it seems that it's worse then ever. I'm hoping i can see a certain person tomorrow, for i'm nearly leaving town for about 6 weeks so it's almost a now or never kinda thing. I'm not getting my hopes up though, chance is small it'll happen. This new week also means the start of my study marathon of 6 weeks, i am NOT looking forward to that, it will suck giganticly, especially because i won't be able to see my friends, can't really go out anymore and shit.
With not much good in the near future for me, once more i have the desire to just smash it all up, do the unexpected, just leave this life for it's not worth living. I'm already preparing for such a scenario, preparations are near completion.
Ok, this is the first post of me on this blog like shit, i don't know what i'm gonna use this for and if i will be able to remember i have one. I doubt anyone will ever read this, for those who do, let me shortly introduce myself: I am a sarcastic insomniac with increasing paranoia who has too much fantasy and has a weird and twisted love for shovels/rakes/world domination and on a somewhat more normal level-->history/politics. I'm also a big alcohol lover, alcohol for me is one of the things that actually keeps me going.
Other trivial things: i'm a marxist-trotskyist with anarchic leanings, i am a fan of metal and punk and that's about all worthless junk i can get myself to tell.
onto my first rambling now!
this week i hit a wall head on, unfortinatly not a real one but a mental one. but to explain this i'm first going to ramble out my theory on friendship(well i guess some smarter guy then me already claimed it years ago, but fuck that anyway) for people to become friends, certain factors have to exist, like living next door to eachother, going to the same school/in the same class, listening to the same music, etc etc etc once a friendship is struck, it is thus based on those factors for a big part. The more of these factors you have the bigger the potential of the friendship, for even if some factors fall away(you graduate, you start to listen to other music, you move to another city,...) there are still others to keep the structure up and thus keep the friendship from falling in decay(exceptions ofcourse exists; but i'm speaking generally here). if a friendship however is only build on a small amount of factors chances of it collapsing faster are obviously more likely. another importance is the social group or clique one belings to. for example, you can belong to your class group, but also be part of the punk/metal/... group, your sport group, etc etc. now if friends have a certain group in common, it strengthens the friendship, for you see eachother more, you have mutual experiences etc. if however a friendship exist between people who have no group in common, the weight to keep the friendship going is heavier. Both people will have other groups of friends who come from the same social group they are in, and then the person(s) who are not in those groups. what you'll get is some sort of alienation, the only way such a friendship can hold is if both persons make time for it, and there lies the problem. Most of the time they spend time with their "real friends" (i call them that way for lack of a better term atm, i am meaning those friends who are in the same groups) and spending time with the "other one" seems like a task. Most of the time 1 or both parties just let it drift away and they'll get estranged from eachother to eventually the point where you can't really say they're friends anymore.
this explained, recently my theory was/is put to the test in my own life. I myself am more of a drifter, i never really trully belonged to a certain social group, my friends were from all sorts of different groups, most of them however were/are tied in with school/ university and music. now after high school a first factor fell away for manny of my friends, and for a very good friend of mine that meant the only real link we had was gone. In the beginning there was no problem, you're still in the old patern a bit and you still see eachother regulary, but slowly decay struck, firstly with those i was less close with. Now it has struck on a friendship wich i saw as one of the best ones i had. I had fooled myself that this was the exception that made the rule, that eventhough no social group or real factor bound us, our friendship would easily be kept "alive" so to speak. That didn't quite happen, disillusioned with what apparently was a misunderstanding i turned away a bit for i felt betrayed and obviously my fuckin pride and stuborness were involved aswell. After clearing that all up, things were back to normal, until recently. The last weeks that have past something changed. You see eachother less often, and less often, you talk to eachother less often over the internet etc etc. Now this could all be explained by a number of things, but looking at it now, i can rule out many of those things. New friends are made, old ones get dropped that is the circle of friendship(lion king rip off ftw!!!). A circle that is oh so painfull if one of the parties is not ready to let it drop. It first manifests in little things, you talk less and stuff, then it goes on to seeing eachother less often, to not taking initiative anymore to see/hear from the other to eventually the proces of estranging is complete. i don't know what phase the friendship i'm talking about is in, certainly past the first 1 and probably somewhere in the 2nd one. Now this has become a mental weight for me that gets heavier to carry, i get the feeling that i'm the so called fifth wheel on the car" only used when one of the other wheels is out. Ofcourse that's just a feeling i have, i am a man and thus not capable of trully grasping what the hell is really happening on emotional things. The first time i felt this way i remember thinking i was overreacting, but the last days have made me rethink that initial conclusion. All i want is to spend time with my friends if i can, it's then quite hard to see that someone who i consider to be one of the best friends i got i see or hear the least of all even if i try to... my exams are comming up now so i'll have almost no time to see most of my friends for a month or so, this semi-soltitude will probably fasten the decay with that one friendship, i wish it didn't but as with most things in my life, the worst case scenario will be the one that happens.
On a semi-related note, due to my increasing insomnia wich has plagued me for about 2 years now i am becomming increasingly more paranoid, and i already had a high paranoia level. Perhaps i'm just searching way too much behind everything that's happening? In moments of clarity i am somewhat frightened by my own thoughts and how twisted i sometimes interpret things. Then again, i always have had a somewhat "sick" mind(sick in the eyes of what present day society deems normal).
Well i think that's about enough for a first timer, last 2 days i've been listyening alot to "what difference does it make-the smiths", obviously the music rules, but the lyrics also capture a bit how i'm feeling about the things happening in the above told thing.
All men have secrets and here is mine
So let it be known
For we have been through hell and high tide
I think I can rely on you ...
And yet you start to recoil
Heavy words are so lightly thrown
But still I'd leap in front of a flying bullet for you
So, what difference does it make ?
So, what difference does it make ?
It makes none
But now you have gone
And you must be looking very old tonight
The devil will find work for idle hands to do
I stole and I lied, and why ?
Because you asked me to !
But now you make me feel so ashamed
Because I've only got two hands
Well, I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh
So, what difference does it make ?
Oh, what difference does it make ?
Oh, it makes none
But now you have gone
And your prejudice won't keep you warm tonight
Oh, the devil will find work for idle hands to do
I stole, and then I lied
Just because you asked me to
But now you know the truth about me
You won't see me anymore
Well, I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh
But no more apologies
No more, no more apologies
Oh, I'm too tired
I'm so sick and tired
And I'm feeling very sick and ill today
But I'm still fond of you, oh-ho-oh
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