Ik ben , en gebruik soms ook wel de schuilnaam Curse Of Me.
Ik ben een vrouw en woon in (Belgium) en mijn beroep is Full time huisvrouw en creatieve geest.
Ik ben geboren op 22/10/1983 en ben nu dus 41 jaar jong.
Mijn hobby's zijn: Muziek, edelstenen en mineralen, creatief bezig zijn, dieren en natuur, koken, voeding.
Writing down what goes in my head and life.
31-01-2016
I love him
I'm afraid to lose him. Because I'm deeply, madly in love with him and everything he stands for, all that he is.
And I don't see any reason why he'd feel the same way.
I'm afraid.
Every now and then something awesome comes along and I'm afraid to lose it.
I'm afraid.
I feel blessed with a man like that and I'd love to grow old with him more then I ever wanted to with anybody else. I don't feel like I deserve him at all. He's too good for me and I'm not nearly as good for him as he's for me.
I love lying in his arms, feeling his warm kisses in my neck. Lying close to him, sleeping next to him, sleeping with him. Every minute spend with him, feels like heaven.
He calms the demons I already have, instead of awakening something afwull inside of me. He soothes me. He comforts me. He gives me courage.
It all feels so good.
It's like all of a sudden the man I've always wanted, waited for, has come on my path and I want it to succeed so bad.
We've (or better, I) had already such wonderfull times. He doesn't have to spoil me like this.
I just love him with my heart and soul. And I don't know I can assure him I'm not lying about that.
I hope he doesn't have any doubts. I feel frail and vulnerable, because I'm naked with him, as in, my soul and heart are naked when I'm with him. I show him everything I am and what makes me, me.
I love him. More then words can say.
And so does my son. He likes him very much too and would love this man to stick around and be a part of our lives, a major parrt of lives.
I'm in love and enjoy being around him more than I ever thought was possible. Right now there's not a single thing I think we'd have a fight about or anything that feels wrong. It's comfy and warm and he makes me feel loved.
Crazy as hell. Absolutely insane. Totally weird and unreal.
That's kinda how it all feels right now.
Don't get me wrong, all is well. That is kinda the 'problem', as far as you can call it a problem off course!
Off course I fell in love again. Never thought I could ever love again, to begin with. Let alone that one day I'd meet someone who's absolutely perfect for me. All feels so fine, as if I've known him for years. It feels safe and comfortable, exciting, pleasant.
But. At the same time I'm totally panicking every now and then for a lot of different reasons.
To begin with, he's a lot like my ex. Not in the way he acts off course, that wouldn't have stolen my heart. But he likes the same things, same intrests, also a gamer (but so far doesn't seem to be addicted), metal guy in heart and soul, loves Iron Maiden, collects weapons and is absolutely fond of them. He's got a few character traits that are the same as well. But he's so much more and absolutely better then my ex ever was to me. Beyond words. I'm not often at a loss of words, but I haven't got a fucking clue how to describe this.
Off course it's nice he's got these intrests and likes that I share too and I know go along very well with me in general. At the same time I'm afraid things turn out totally wrong. What if he changes too in time, just when things get better and better and when I think it's finally for sure that's who I want to spend the rest of my life with, in that way. What if he then gets to be unhappy, just like my ex? A certain amount of time of pretending and saying this and that is less important then me and my son and how he loves to grow old with us and just be a family and then afterwards it appears that he misses himself. What if after that time he wants nothing more then getting away from me? What if he doesn't get turned on by me anymore, because you know, I'm not exactly good looking and my character isn't that good either (don't have much to offer!). What if he misses going out so much and he dislikes going out on his own so badly, that he will start doing so secretly and tell everyone how boring I am (you know, I'll never be cured, so going out every weekend, I just can't do that, it's impossible for me). What if after a certain amount of time, everything he says he likes about me now, will turn out to be the things he hates about me and get on his nerves?
Ah, so many what ifs.
I guess I've been down that road one time too many.
I just hope he won't neglect his friends, won't make it out to be as if he's not allowed to go out because I don't want him to. It comes across as if he totally needs his nights out with his friends. And he's allowed to do so. But so far, he says he doesn't want to. What if he's afraid to be honest about it? What if he do misses it?
I know, I'm still here with my 'what ifs'.
But I worry. I worry because I really love this man, in every possible way. I love the way he thinks, how he wants to live his life, how positive and active he is, how responsible he is, how loving he is towards me. I love how I feel safe and secure with him. I love how it feels like coming home, even though we're not together for a long period of time yet. It's awesome that he likes the same things I like and how I can be open and honest about so many things (well, everything I guess, haven't talked about everything yet, but pretty close :P ).
Right now I feel sick to my stomach, I feel like I could throw up at any time of the day. Just because it's all so very real and I'm falling in love really hard. No, I'm already so much in love, if this would end right here, right now, I'd be a miserable wreck and my trust would be completely broken, same as my heart, my mind, my everything. I'm not standing strong enough on my own two feet to overcome such a thing, because I want this so bad.
I feel very insecure. What if I'm not good enough? What if I lose this one good thing that came into my life? What if I fuck it all up again, like I always do? What if he realises that I have indeed nothing to offer, other then worries and a bit of misery here and there?
I try to be realistic. I'm a single mom with a teenage boy to look out for. I am cripple and won't ever be able to work again, it's nothing that can be cured. It will only get worse and physically I have more bad days than good days. Off course I try to hide my pain, feeling miserable (I mean my body), feeling tired beyond words aka exhaustion isn't a proper word to describe what it feels like. Off course I try to hide how anxious I am and I don't want PTSD to ruin this good thing that came into my life. I do my very best to live here and now, but I cannot ignore my past. Ignoring that previous relationships have failed because of me and what I carry with me, would be ridiculous and stupid. I've got my luggage and sometimes it weighs on me very heavy Got a lot of dreams that will never become true. There's a lot of pain and sorrow on my mind, I carry those things around with me.
Just recently someone I thought was a good friend ran away, doesn't want me in her life anymore, because you know, I'm a cripple and I cannot do what other people do. I cannot pay random visits whenever I want.
That's just a small thing. But I've got many such small things.
I cannot clean my house every week, cannot cook, do laundry, simple tasks, on a daily basis on a regular basis. I often need help, either from my mom or a service I pay to do so. I still have a lot of medical exams I need to undergo. I'm waiting for the biopsy of the cyste in my breast. Doesn't matter if it's a good or bad result, it has to be removed anyway. My mom would freak out if I let it be the way it is, since she knew a person that got severe cancer that's hard to treat because of a cyste, just like mine. So, that means I have to undergo at least one more surgery on my body and I don't recover well and always get complications, meaning I'd need care. When the cyste gets to be removed, my mom wants me to have a boob-job too. No, not making them bigger, not in for those kind of things. But they have become very saggy after I gave birth and ever since I've been loosing weight like hell, so it doesn't look pretty at all. (what if he won't like me any longer as time passes by, just because the way I look? Pregnancy marks on my belly and breasts and legs, saggy boobs, way too skinny as in skeleton-looking, bad teeth, ... ) I still have a few other medical exams waiting to be done, like an NMRI from my SGI joints to see what's wrong and perhaps get a proper diagnosis, seeing the kidney specialist again to see what the hell is wrong with my kidneys, gyne research to make sure everything is still functioning properly after menopause etc. So many things still need to be done and the outcome could perhaps change the way he feels about having a life with me.
Right now he's convinced I can physically get so much better then I am right now. I hope I get better too, but I know it can't be cured, neither of the medical conditions I've got! It's gonna be with me for the rest of my life and one time take a turn for the worst. If aquintances and friends already bail on me, because I cannot do as a 'normal funcioning person' does, why wouldn't he? He shouldn't put his life on hold because I'm going through all of that. He should be enjoying his life, not worry about a cripple single mom.
I'm overthinking all of this a bit too hard perhaps, but there's so many questions I need to ask myself, I want to be prepared for what lies ahead. It could totally go wrong. No matter how much I love him, if I can't take care of him properly, like a normal woman can, I'm gonna lose him. And I cannot blame him if he walks out on me.
He always wanted children of his own too and off course, I cannot give him that. Just when I thought I could be at peace with that, I face this 'not being able to get pregnant' thing again. I could just lose the best man I've ever come across, because my body deceided it would be fun to fucking fail on me. And making it impossible to give a man what he truly likes.
He says it's okay to be a family with just me and my son, but he's been down that road before (as have I, but the other way around) and it didn't work out. My child won't ever be the same as a child I'd give him that's ours.
What if in time that does become a problem?
I've got a lot of questions. And a lot of scenarios already worked out in my head as for why and how it could go wrong and yes, those things going wrong would be on me, I'd be the one to blame.
He says he doesn't want to go out with his friends to his favourite pub if I can't do so because I feel miserable. But it's hard to believe he'd stay happy when times get more rough on me and he feels obligated to stay at home to take care of me (just for the record, he doesn't have to stay home to do so, I can do that shit on my own); I don't want to be the reason he feels miserable. I'm sick and tired of making people miserable, certainly the ones I love most. What if he loses all his friends because of me? I'm kinda boring, I don't feel like going out every weekend, let alone a couple of days in the weekend. With or without my son. It's really rough on me and it's extremely exhausting. But if I don't go out with him, he says he's gonna stay home, thus neglect his friends and off course, I'd be to blame for that. He cannot lose his friends because of someone like me. I'm not that special at all! He deserves so much more than that!
He promised himself he would never give up going a night out, spending time with friends for a girl / woman ever again. And off course, that's his good right. No one should do so, that's just wrong if you have to do so!
But we're not even a full month together and he already says he wants to stay at home whenever I don't feel like going out. But I rarely feel like going out on a regular basis, I mean, the way he does. Once every now and then a quick visit to our favourite pub, is all that I need. I don't feel the need to have a party every weekend, I don't feel like going out every month, I don't feel like having shitloads of people over on a regular basis, because it's extremely exhausting and it tears me down. AFterwards I feel so tired I wanna die and that cannot be what it's supposed to be like.
When we first started talking things through, how we looked at life, he clearly said he'd love to keep on going out every weekend. And if that cheers him up, he should absolutely do so! Friends are important and going out can be freeing, energising. Why would he even want to risk losing so many things he's achieved just because of me? And I'm not even asking him to stay home with me, why would I? It's very nice and sweet that right now he likes to take care of me, but in time he'll stop liking it and miss going out. It's always the same story on my account.
I'm quite sure if he stays at home because I'm unable to do what he does, he'll end up feeling miserrable and losing a lot of friends, because you know.. They told him so!
I understand not a lot of his friends are too keen he's with a person like me. I don't like a big mass of people, I don't like busy places, I need my moments of peace and quiet much more than anyone else (than people who can function normally, unlike me).
There's so many reasons for his friends and relatives to have serious doubts this would ever last.
To begin with, off course they don't trust me. I'm the new person and they don't know me personally and don't know what I'm like. I would never want his house or car, I didn't even know he owned a house and had an expensive car when I already lost my heart to him. I don't care for things like that. It's a nice plus he's got a house of his own, the car, I don't give a shit about that, never cared for what vehicle a man has, or even if he has one or not. I just don't care about those things. I didn't fall in love with his bank account, his house or his car. That's just not me.
But he's been with women who did care about those things and were after that. So I get why his friends are supersticious. Certainly when they learn I'm a cripple, won't ever be allowed to work (or they think I'm just a lazy motherfucking bitch taking advantage of our social security system). They seem to think I'm so keen to stay with him and things go as fast as they do, because he owns a house of his own, drives an expensive car, has enough money to spend some exra's on me etc There's no way I can convince them otherwise. I think all hell will breake loose if we end up living together Because in their mind / opinion, I'm after a man who can pay for his own things and on top of that, could take care of me and my child as well.
So many things are against us. Not because of him, but because I'm a cripple that won't ever heal. I get why people think I chose himo.
It's fucking amazing how scared one can get when you meet something so wonderfull and you just know not a lot of people aprove, because they all seem to know for sure that I'm only with him to take advantage of his goodness and kindness and his income, house, car etc. What if he starts to realise they're right, no matter if it's true or not. Once he goes down that path, thinking like that, it doesn't matter what I'd say or do, he wouldn't believe me anyway and how the fuck could proof otherwise??? As I said before, I don't have a damned thing to offer, just me and all my flaws and a weird looking body that's always aching and a mind that's always confused, unable to concentrate and exhausted beyond words??
Perhaps the smartest thing I can do is try to take it as slow as possible and give him as much freedom as I can. Stay at my own place as much as I can, even when my heart longs to be with him as often as possible. Perhaps I should stop spending the weekends with him so he doesn't have to stay home because I don't feel well enough to go out? Perhaps I shouldn't put so much of my belongings in his house, no matter how often he says he loves it to be 'our' home. Off course I love that too, I long for that, it already feels like our home, our sanctuary. But I don't feel like I'm going to do him a favor by keep on going as fast as we're going right now. Perhaps I need to push him to go on a night out as often as possible, without me, without worrying about me. Perhaps I should plan more things to do with just me and my son, boring things he wouldn't like, like things moms do with their kids and wouldn't exactly fullfill him?
His best friends already made it clear they don't trust it a single bit, any part of this relationship. And I don't blame them. He's been through enough shit already and to them, I'm just the so maniest woman who's out to make his life miserable, take him away from his friends, take away his freedom, everything that makes him, him. I come across as if I'm out to take advantage of him and dictate what he can and cannot do and I just love to be with him to get shitloads of pressies and to be spoiled like hell. There's no way I can convince them otherwise. They don't know me.
Just one of his friends know me and a friend of that friend. Because they've known me ever since I was 14yrs old and they know the kind of shit I've been through and they never saw me cheating or taking advantage of anyone and always putting my child before anything else. They should know that all I really want is a happy family, a man that loves me for who I am and doesn't mind taking my son too. They know I cannot lie or cheat, they know I'm kind hearted and don't mean any harm.
But just those two people aren't exactly enough to convince anyone.
On top of that my love has a lot of female friends I know what females are like (hence why I dislike most of them). They will (and do) make sure to let him know there's a lot of things off about this relationship, because he does indeed deserve so much better. I cannot blame them.
It's only right for the people closest to him to tell him all of this is a very bad idea and there's no way I can make him really happy, at least, not a lifetime.
Off course that hurts me in my heart and soul.
It doesn't matter how many medical treatments I'd get, I'll never be healthy. So I get why it comes across as me just taking advantage of him and since my health has been worse again the past few months, I haven't been able to do a lot of things normal people do.
Ah fuck, I'm totally overthinking this.
But I wouldn't blame him if he told me he doesn't want a relationship with a person like me.
Just loving someone, isn't enough to make it all work.
He's an amazing person and indeed, there's so much other women out there, certainly the younger and better looking ones with an income of their ow who'd make him so much happier than I could ever do.
I don't want this to fail. But I've got this feeling that sooner rather then later, he'll realise a person like me isn't right for him.
It's been a while since I've done some writing for my blog.
Mainly because I simply did not have the time. A lot of things have happened in the meanwhile though!
Good things, a lot of good things.
First of all, I finally broke up for good with my ex partner. It was about time, that's for sure. Looking back, even though it hasn't been that long, I wonder what took me ages to put this to an end. I mean, why did I keep the door to my heart open for him? He hasn't done much good to me the past years and certainly not the past year.
He was with me in hard times, true, but I felt alone, lonely, unwanted, so often... That should not be the case.
I kept on hoping things would turn out fine, even though I was miserable, my child was miserable, even he was miserable, but just didn't want it to be over for good... We had been down that road before and that didn't end well. It never ended well.
I'm not gonna badmouth him, because he did do a lot of good things for me and my child, we did have amazing moments and I was deeply, madly in love with him. More then he was ever in love with me. I wanted him more then he wanted me. That's for sure.
But...
I closed that door for good.
And it was a good thing, a very good thing!
I already wrote about meeting someone else. I was a bit hesitant to name things like 'love', 'relationship' and so on. Because it's all so very new and we're just getting started.
But truth is, I am in love, deeply. Not 'madly'. But gosh, this man (and a man he is!!) has stolen my heart. With him, I feel like coming home, my mind is at ease, I find peace within myself, I feel courage to take on life, I'm not afraid to think of a future with someone.
I always thought I'd never ever think about living together with someone anymore, seeing how that turned out before and I do need my personal space and I think sometimes people get on my nerves way too fast.
But for some reason, it's just working out, as if we've been doing this for years. Okay, perhaps not for years, some things are still 'new', things like knowing the other person's bills and income, are not a subject of conversation yet, because it doesn't matter. We have to like each other for who are, not what we earn. I know enough when I know he pays his bills, has got enough money to take care of himself etc. What more do I need to know now about the financial part? Absolutely nothing! We're honest towards each other though, but actual numbers and figures, is something that only needs to be known when we actually start doing these things for each other and make serious plans for the future together. Not there yet :P
But.. As I was saying, things are going well. We spend a lot of time together and I don't get annoyed with him. Even though he snores! And he's got a runny nose right now, but I haven't felt annoyed yet (who knows, that can come in time haha).
Seriously, something about him makes me feel very secure, at ease.
We eat together, sleep together,, shop together, go out together, watch tv together. And it's all good. It's more then good.
Where has he been all my life?
We've got the same intrests in everything so far and same opinions, views on the world, same morals etc.
And gosh, can we talk to each other! It's like we never stop talking. About anything. No subject seems to be taboo and that's amazing. I don't feel ackward adressing anything at all. And it seems it's the same the other way around. Whatever needs to be said, gets to be said.
Off course it's all still very frail and new and exciting and we're at this stage we're longing to be together all the time. But I don't mind, this can last a while, I'm enjoying every part of it.
He's also very good look, oh yes he is!
He smells good and it's amazing to lay in his arms, oh my...
He makes me smile, more then I ever thought I'd do in a day. I never thought it was possible to wake up with a smile on my face, but a relaxed, comfy smile you know, like-this is the good life and I feel great-kinda smile. When my day gets rough, I can talk to him and he makes it all a little less harder, or better, easy to deal with.
I haven't had a morning mood since we're together. He's comfortable to be around.
He takes care of me, in ways he shouldn't even do. Since it's all very new, he shouldn't worry about certain things. But he does and he puts his money where his mouth is at, when he says he's gonna do something to help me out (even though it's just a kiss or hug or a text, you know, even the simple things) he does so! He sure as hell keeps his word, so it's nice to have someone trustworthy I can rely on.
He seems to be strong, both physically and mentally. And I care especially about the mental part. He's not numb, off course. Couldn't be with someone who is. But he's strong. He's a fighter. He doesn't want to let life get him down and he doesn't want me to let life get me down. He seems to be the kind of person, when I don't have the strength to face something, he's gonna do it for me. No, that's wrong, he wouldn't exactly do it FOR me, he'd make sure I get the courage and energy to fight again. He wouldn't allow life to get me down, in any way. How amazing is that?
I feel like he's genuine about everything thus far and that's releaving.
What I see, is what I get and I totally like what I see.
Somehow it seems like he wants me to be with him as badly as I want to be with him. And yes, that is a surprise for me, because no one ever wanted to be with me like this, apreciated me like this.
He says I'm good looking, I mean, he actually thinks I'm good looking! He wants to be seen with me. He loves it when I make sure I look good for my man and yes, he does look at me then. Waauw! A man looks at me, in THAT way, oh myyy :)
There's so many things going right in this new relationship, it feels like we've been at it for months already and we know each other for years, a lifetime. For now, it feels like we are meant to be together and there's no one I'd rather be with.
I'm happy right now. Very happy. And very courageous looking at the future.
I'm totally in for planning a future with this man and living my current life with him.
So many things to enjoy. Really, I'm not used to this!
I don't want to lose him.
He gets along with my son as well and my son likes him too. That's very important too off course.
This is going to work out, it has to, because it all feels too good. He's soothing my demons, calms my mind, completes my soul, gives me courage, uplifts my self esteem in ways that I deemed impossible, is such a support, has respect for me.
I'm happy and blessed with everything going on my life right now, even though some things are a struggle, it's nothing I can't face. This year started off really well!
I've read parts of my blog again.
Waauw, it's been quite a year in 2015.
So much things happened, so many ups and downs.
Absolutely some huge downs.
I didn't think I would overcome them. I didn't think I'd still be here!
I wouldn't have guessed I got things sorted out with my son. There were some few dark moments, that's for sure.
But hey, we're still here.
We did work things out. And we got very close again.
I'm glad I pushed through, even though some days, I was being pushed by others instead of doing much effort myself.
My son certainly did put on some effort.
I guess the big wake up call for him, was how his foster mom betrayed us.
And realising that I do do a lot of things for him, I'd go through fire for him.
Maybe he was testing me? To see how far I can be pushed and how much I was willing to do for him?
Dunno.
I'm just glad everything turned out fine, we got to sort some things out. We did have a couple of huge fights, to say the least haha.
The biggest turn around came around the holidays.
That did bring us closer together and the gap I felt was there before, is gone.
I can trust him again and it seems like he has faith in me again. The bond we once had, is back.
We had lovely holidays, christmass was really a time of joy, pleasure and happiness, filled with love and laughter.
Me and my mom, well, we got closer again as well.
Perhaps I just saw ghosts a couple of months ago?
I must admit, that october isn't exactly the best time of the year for me.
And this past october was just extremely hard. The things my ex did to me, my mom having her breast amputated and the fear of losing her, my brother dumping all those things from the past on me, the realisation that I will never be an auntie, because I'm still not a part of that side of the family and I'll never be.
The betrayal of some people I considered to be friends and all the things I did for them, but they would never do for me.
It was rough and I was pretty damn down.
Also, the miscommunication with childcare.
And all the misery that came with it, all the threats again.
Sure took away a lot of hope and faith from me.
In the meanwhile, so many things happened, as always. I do keep it intresting, right?
We've got another social worker from childcare, who will overlook things.
I sorted things out with my son's psychologist, although the meeting I had with her in december was hard. I left feeling pretty lousy.
The next day I had a meeting with the teamleader of childcare and that meeting was very relieving and gave me hope again.
He told me he'd give us another counselor, so that was good news to begin with and there is light at the end of the tunnel: the case can get closed! They are willing to let it all go and just let us be, have some faith in us. Finally!
Last monday we had a general meeting with all parties involved and it turned out fine. The new counselor is nice, in that way, she's professional, doesn't want to know everything, only needs to be contacted when it's really needed etc. We made good agreements, discussed the conditions etc.
It's looking good!
I found a new home for my birds.
When I started cleaning up, I got a bad inflammation again in my throat and ear and my tooth started to hurt again, very badly.
I didn't connect the dots at first, thought it was probably because I had been under a lot of pressure, didn't sleep to well etc.
The day before I went to visit them again, the pain was so bad I couldn't stand it anymore and made me a herbal treatment and flushed with whiskey too.
At night, the pain started to fade away and I woke up without pain.
But when I was there and had cuddled with my birds, the pain came back. I thought perhaps that was because I had to sit up a long time and my shoulder is still not healed either.
On the way home, I had to stop to take some pain meds and flush my mouth again.
When we came home, the pain started to fade away again and to my surprise, it didn't come back.
Even though we went out that night, having a drink and that means sitting up without a support to my back and neck and I also talked alot, thus my jaw was under pressure.
But, no pain, I mean, not the same pain I was having before.
Off course my back, neck, shoulder and pelvis always hurt, I'm used to that. Just no extra pain, no being in agony and feeling miserable beyond words.
I guess it must be the birds and their dust / feces / feathers are most likely to cause that pain.
I'm still not motivated to undergo an allergy test. A part of me just doesn't want to know, because I'd be devasted if it turns out most animals would make me feel miserable.
I cannot imagine a life without animals.
And I know some people will expect me to not make fuss out of allergies and keep on bringing myself into danger, because I'm such a big animal lover.
But honestly, with my medical condition, I cannot take that risk. If it turns out I do have major allergy problems caused by certain animals, I'll have to act on it and avoid it.
Anyways, I'm not going to ponder about that just yet.
Other then that, my ex brought us some more misery.
My fault off course.
I should have kept that chapter closed and I didn't. For some reason, I thought it would be alright to give him another chance. Again!
Yeah, I know, I'm stupid like that. I already had all the evidence plus experience to know nothing good would ever come out of this.
But do I ever listen to myself?
So, we kinda got back together. And I had high hopes.
Aaaaand... It didn't turn out fine, off course.
Well, in a way, it did, as I broke it off again and he made a mistake so big, he'll never win me over again. No matter what our shared history is, he took it too far.
Endangering my child, that's just not the way to my heart.
And again so many dissapointments in everything else.
I cannot do that anymore.
Enough is enough and I ain't going back to that. Done and over with and yes, I'm sticking with this.
I'm not even going to talk about what's who's fault and shit like that. I don't care anymore.
On top of that, there's just no more love in my heart for him, there where before I had always felt like I'd care for him on a certain level for the rest of my life.
That feeling just faded away. Well, fading is probably not the right description. It's more like, one day it was still there, the other it was just gone.
He's just another person and I don't care if he cares for me anymore or not.
That's a chapter in my life I'd like to close down.
He still wants to be back together.
That always seems to be the case whenever I'm not living my own life to the fullest, then he wants me.
But, I'm not giving in to that.
He can go fuck himself now.
And I am going to live my life to the fullest (as long as I don't get down again haha).
I'll have to find myself again (where am I? ).
But, you know, for the first time since we were together, I don't feel as if I cannot handle this life on my own.
I don't feel scared at night, I don't miss him at night, I don't feel the need to be around him. It's all gone.
I can do this!
Anyhow, I met someone else too.
I didn't expect that at all.
I mean, who'd want someone like me to begin with? If even he didn't want me, I'd never find someone willing to put up with me.
I don't have the looks, I don't have good health, don't have a job, I'm not the most positive person to walk this planet, I come with a child and a past too.
But... There is someone actually intrested in me.
To my surprise...
And he's nice, very nice. Good looking.
Loves the same music, likes the same artsy things, lives during the day, meaning he's got a job and doesn't want to be at home all day long sulking about whatever.
Someone who actually wants to do things.
Someone who has friends and a loving family. Someone who likes to go out, not just to a pub, but just go out, do things, have a good time.
Someone who eats more then just meat and bread and doesn't mind me being vegan either.
Someone dreaming of having a family of his own and actually wants to grow old with someone.
Not too materialistic, I mean, not anymore then I am. Off course he cares about his stuff, which is a good thing.
But he's not so materialistic that only his stuff matters and he only wants more and more and more.
He could easily live without and that's a good thing to know. I mean, he knows there are more important things in life, but you can enjoy what you buy yourself, what you have worked your ass off to be able to buy. That's a wonderful quality.
Anyways. We started talking online and didn't exactly stop talking.
And then we went on some sort of date (oh well, we agreed to meet at the pub, not exactly a real date).
So far, things are looking good.
I'm a bit afraid, off course.
I still have to sort everything out with my ex, making sure he gets the message it's really done.
It's going a bit fast.
But I don't mind.
I mean, I met someone wonderful, so I'm going all in for that.
And we'll see where that will take us.
As long as he doesn't start pushing me to move in as quickly as possible or go too fast too quickly, I'm willing to give this a shot.
It's nice to have someone around who actually likes you and wants to do things with you and isn't ashamed of being seen with you.
I'm not really used to these things.
We'll see where it goes.
Medically I should start making appointments, but I'm not really motivated, because I don't want to be confronted with my dissabilities.
But I recently had a letter concerning my job aplications activity, so I have to put in some effort.
My body is still not healed and never will, thus I have to make sure I don't get into trouble and lose my income.
I hoped I wouldn't have to deal with that any time soon, but the time has come to face this.
I have to start visiting doctors and specialists again and trying to get a good diagnosis or prognosis on paper that will help me to be secured from losing my income.
That means a lot of running around and listening to a lot of crap and insults from doctors.
Some things just have to be done!
On top of that, I have found a little lump in my breast as well and need to have that investigated.
Ah well, still a lot of things to do so it seems and still a lot of things going on in my life.
But, so far, this year started well.
I hope it will stay this way!
As I'm trying to sort things out with my son and his attitude towards me and all the risks it brings to me, my dear brother dropped some afwull things on me, leaving me totally baffled.
A totally 'what the fuck??!!' moment.
I went to the birthday party of his son, my nephew, who turned 1 last thursday and had his B-day party oct 31st.
All nice and pleasant and joyfull to see the family again.
But then my brother asked me to go outside with him. Off course he was already stoned out of his ass and drunk as hell. But that's when the guy starts to talk.
Gosh, how I regret going outside with him to smoke a cig.
To start, he said it was unfair of me for having a rant in the summer about him and his mate taking my son on a day out, while both of them drinking large amounts of beer and smoking pot all day long.
I said I expect someone to be sober when they take along someone else's child. He said that was unfair, because I know he smokes pot for years by now.
Well, no, I expect someone to drive sober; I don't care how much you smoke, but someone has to be sober when you take my son out!
Anyways, he also argued that his mate wasn't drunk anymore by the time they left. Sure, they started drinking beer in the morning and up till noon they drank half a liters of beer. But he stopped drinking at noon and drove home at about 5pm, so no way he was still drunk.. C'mon brother, really? And on top of that, both of them kept on smoking pot as much as I smoke cigs (and that's a lot, so in my opinion, you're quite out if you drink and smoke that much!).
Anyhow, I think he got that no one gets to drive with my child when they're not sober. I hope.
Then he started to rant about the past.
Oh my god, the past.
I remember I was going to make a blog post (well, several), about 'my story'.
But I did not think to be confronted with the past in this way.
He started off with how I was molested at 8yrs old (he was 5 and he's the one that went to call my dad, because something was totally wrong).
And then he said, everything went wrong from that point.
Sure, my parents got divorced and a lot of shit happened.
I guess the lies of the past are still stuck in his head. He should really have a talk with my mom one day, because I got to hear the 'you were the reason they split up because you're a whore' again.
Gosh, really? Thanks brother!
On top of that, he said he's waiting for the day I come forward to admit that most of the 'mistakes made' are on my behalf.
I was wrong.
For fuck's sake. Yeah, I didn't already hate myself.
But really, did I make a stepbrother have sex with my sister? Did I make the other stepbrother so hatefull and conspire with his mother against me? To even make me kill myself?
Did I seduce my elder stepbrother? He pushed me!
I guess he never heard the full story, not on my behalf, not on my sister's behalf.
Just what my stepmother told him, I guess.
He also said it was so wrong of me to run away from 'home' on newyear's eve, right after getting presents, and that it made it look like I just wanted the gifts and then, ungratefully, walk off with them.
Sure, I got a present, one that said (and came with that message): you're a whore, we hate you.
That kinda pushed me to run away, on new year's eve, for sure.
Because, you know, that's what everyone wants to hear on any day for that matter: here whore, we hate you, go fuck yourself, we'll do everything we can to embarrass you towards everyone who'd like to hear and see what a bitch you are.
So uplifting, right?
On top of that, he said, for sure, I was invited for lunch every other sunday at my dad's place and everyone is acting (yes, acting!) as if it's all okay, but in reality, they are pretending and don't really like me and wonder if I will stay this nice (I've always been me, but hey...) and they're waiting for the day I come forward (for what??? ).
In reality, they don't want me there and just pretend.
That's something that's not exactly surprising.
Kind of the reasons I ran away all those years ago and gave up trying to begin with, because I always stumbled upon this, again and again. If you hate me, let me go, leave me out of your lives! I don't mind.
I'd rather be with people that actually care, or be left alone.
He said that was just the beginning of everything he needed to get off his chest, when it comes down to the subject of 'me'.
I texted him two days later that I wanted to meet up with him again and hear what else he's got to say.
But he said there wasn't anything he needed to get off his chest again.
Hmmm...
Guess I'll be in for a surprise next time there's a family gathering.
I'll have to remember to bring along a huge amount of xanax, for sure stay away from the alcohol and remember to not bring my child when my brother's about to get drink, because it wouldn't be safe for me to drive my child home in those conditions.
Not that I already felt bad or anything.
Just throw some shit on top, why not?
I guess some demons of the past will just never let me go.
I promised a friend of mine that I would write down my life story.
I started that yesterday, but I don't know how to write it all down. It's not as easy as I thought it would be.
While one thing was going down, a lot of other things happened too. That's life, right? And maybe there are some things I don't want to remember.
We'll see where that one goes. Who knows,it could be freeing. Even though, it's not the first time I tried to tell my story. Most people just run away, it's too much, too confusing, it can't be real etc. Well, it is real, it did all happen and it is indeed quite a bit.
I can fill up a book by writing it down. It's not something I can tell pretty quickly.
No easy story like: my childhood years were troubled, but I survived, I was a teen, doing stupid things teenagers do, got pregnant, married, divorced, new relationship with lots of ups and downs and here I am now.
Nope.
The hardest part of being me, is still remembering a lot of things and being too kind to people who have hurt me and trying to keep on forgiving, keep on living, trying to keep a family together and be a good person, good daughter, good wife (to whom?), good mother, good sister, good friend, ...
But I must admit, I fail on a lot of different aspects of life. And forgiving and acting kind and as if nothing ever happened (because you know, life goes on, right, you can't keep on holding a grudge, so get over it already!), isn't exactly easy. Sometimes I just wanna stay angry and I often think, if it wasn't for my son, there would be a lot of people I wouldn't be in contact with anymore. I probably wouldn't be in this country anymore (thanks ex-husband, you made me bound to this country, not sure I like it!). Off course, being a parent changes your life. I have to do a lot of things I most likely wouldn't be doing if I wouldn't have been a mom. I keep on thinking: it's for the best of my child, so I have to! Even to those who were never nice to me and still aren't. Even when there are afwull secrets I have to keep. Even when I have to be nice to people who probably deserve to be shot. Even when some things keep on giving me nightmares, but for the well-being of my child, there's some things I keep on doing. Because he deserves a better life, a more normal life, then I ever had. Even though I doubt he can ever have a normal life. Too much already happened to my baby. He'll Always be different then those around him.
Pondering..
Sometimes it would be easier if I couldn't remember what my life was like a few years ago, or even as a child.
It is what it is. I have to face myself, my life, the past I carry around with me and the future I'm not sure I'll ever get to.
In all of my darkness, a little bit of happiness too.
After years and years of searching, I finally found the person who's behind the song 'Cut'.
Never thought I'd ever find anything about it!
I gave up a few years ago.
Just a little while ago, I've put that song online.
And then I stumbled upon a 'double' and thought, let's read the comments.
And in those comments, people asked where to get the album (there's an album with this song on!!) and someone said to search for Jez Ball on facebook.
That's exactly what I did off course.
He accepted the friendship request, happy dance.
And I gathered some courage and spoke to him.
First he thought I was referring to his new band, Winter's Thrall.
When I said I actually meant the song 'Cut', he seemed a bit surprised (yes, some people actually love this song haha).
Some day in my life, I will own a cd with this song on!!!
Couldn't be more happier!
I had a very nice chat with this person too.
Such a lovely person, who seems to have been through a lot of crap in life as well.
And I love how he translates that into music my soul seems to dig very well.
Good things do happen too!
Thank you Jez.
And, the song 'Cut' is perfect the way it is. I can't believe you'd want to change it. Don't! It's exactly right the way it is, at least, for me.
I don't care about chorus and bridges and so on. This song screams what I want to say, it says exactly what my soul feels like right now.
I thank you very much for creating this masterpiece.
A certain woman keeps on talking to me and I haven't got a clue if I can trust her or not.
So often I have told her I don't want anything to do with the spiritual things she's in, because that's one of the things that got to me, making me feel as miserable as I am right now.
But she keeps on talking to me, even though I removed her from my friend's list.
I know she has been lying to me before, I know she has been bad-mouthing me.
I don't know why I keep talking to her.
I have met her in real life and she seemed like such a sweet woman, soft, warm-hearted. So it was indeed hard to believe she'd be involved in all the gossip that has been spread around facebook land about me.
I know she was involved, because I created a fake account, to overlook things, so I know.
Recently she broke up with her partner as well, around the same time as my relationship stranded.
For some reason, she seemed to think that I'd be the ideal person to talk to about her broken heart.
And I listened. I tried to make her feel better.
Didn't get involved in the 'he said - she said' things, none of my bussiness and I could care less why they broke up to begin with.
Recently she told me that she loved me, as a friend, I may hope off course!
Why would she do such a thing?
She invited me over, if I ever needed company.
Well, she already invited me over when she told me about her breake-up, so two women could cry their hearts out over a broken relationship, but honestly, I'm not in for that.
Sure, a good cry over something like that, can be relief and getting things of your heart, can be relieving as well.
But I didn't want to do that with her.
I'm just not sure if I can trust her.
Yet, I want to give it a chance.
Probably another very stupid move of me.
Because it gets to me.
Everything she says, gets to me.
And I wonder about the motives.
What drives people to do things like this?
But I could ask myself the same question. What drives me to stay in touch with her?
Probably I want to be proven wrong that some people are just plain evil and have no feelings whatsoever.
There must be some good in every person.
I met this person in Real Life and she felt very loving.
I guess I'm letting that cloud my judgement.
It all feels very contradictive.
A part of me wants her out of my life, the other part says: c'mon, she's nice and she needs you, don't be a bitch, be a friend, lend her the shoulder she needs to cry on, you've got too much free time anyway, give it to people who need someone else.
Time will tell if this will ruin me or if I made the right decision and give some of my time and energy to a person in need.
Today I'm going to visit my mom.
My brother will be there too.
I will have to pretend again, that everything is just fine.
That I don't mind being left out.
That I don't miss anyone.
That I'm not worried about my mom.
I will have to pretend everything's fine at home as well.
Because there's no way I can explain what's really going on.
My mom wouldn't believe me anyway, if I told her how my son is acting towards me.
I guess a mom is supposed to love her child unconditionally anyway.
No matter how much your child hurts you and tells everyone what a bitch you are, you still have to love'm, right?
I cannot say out loud that my love turns out to be conditional.
My mom already thinks very low of me and wants to be proven wrong that I'm a big mistake, a huge failure. My mom wishes I can proof I can do one thing right.
But hey, I can't.
I messed this motherhood thingy totally up. Seems like I was born to fuck it all up.
Wish I could play pretend as well as my child can.
He's an asshole (sorry, he really is) when he's alone with me. But the moment we enter a room with other people, he's a sweet angel.
He behaves extremely well, is very nice to me, polite to everyone else and seems like a very normal child who's extremely happy and loves his mom to death.
And then we leave and I can feel his mood change.
God, he sucks the life out of me.
But I must pretend everything is alright.
My mom's battle is bigger then mine.
My brother cannot be dissapointed again in me either.
I need them to believe everything is alright, because my child needs them and if I mess it up right now, my child could be the victim of that.
I have to play pretend just a little bit longer, untill everything is sorted out and my being doesn't matter anymore and won't influence the well-being of my child any longer.
I will take a bath, find nice clothing, cry before going out and then put on my happy face.
I can do this.
It's obvious that this month, yet again, like ever year, I don't feel well. At all!
I've got a big part in this, off course. I live my own life. No one else is master of my life, but me.
Every year, in october, I feel very bad and every time it comes lurking around the corner, I think, I can get this shit this time. This year, I'm going to be alright!
I'm even going to celebrate my birthday, I'm going to have fun and be pleased with me. Actually celebrate me being born, my own life.
And every year, the closer it comes, the more down I get.
Looking back on FB posts, I can see that it starts to peek at my brother's birthday. Never noticed that before, but with these 'memories to look back unto' thing, I can see that every year, on his birthday, I play this same song. The Crawl, from Placebo. And that's exactly how I feel, except, at this time of the year, I don't get to breathe. I don't want to breathe.
I made matters worse. Yes, that was possible.
I broke with my ex (obviously, otherwise it wouldn't be an ex, right).
But...
With everthing that went down and feeling so extremly worthless, I had a lot of trouble sleeping and I couldn't take more pills then I was already doing. So I thought, instead of freaking out, let's have a drink in the evening.
A glass of wine (or a couple) won't hurt, right? If I take care of my one lasting kidney by drinking enough water and taking care of my bladder, things will be just fine.
My ex went shopping with us on wednesday. Quite an accomplishment on it's own. He never did this the past year! (why not? Then we were together and I needed him, but he wouldn't come along, ever).
He's dependant on me for his groceries and apparantly he wants to make an extra effort and not let me do all the shopping on myself, since it's for him and not me.
Very nice, but I missed it when we were actually a couple, one of the many things that lead to us breaking up...
Anyhow.
I bought me some wine.
We went to the cashier to pay and low and behold, he wanted to pay my groceries!
Why? I don't know.
There was no discussion possible, and because I'm already shy in public, I can do without a drama, so fine, he got to pay my groceries, thus my wine too.
Since I'm polite, I said he could come over and drink from the wine he paid for.
So that I wouldn't have to drink alone and he could enjoy a drink as well.
What could possibly go wrong, right?
Well, I could get drunk!
Since I'm not exactly a big drinker (usually just a few times a year a single glass), I don't need much. After my second glass of wine with cherries, I was quite a bit tipsy, to say the least.
We had a good time, had a good laugh and somehow, it even felt comfortable. But what doesn't feel comfortable when one is drunk?
Oh well, you can guess what happened next. Every day comes to an end and my days usually end in my bed, best place to sleep.
And he ended there too.
After that, he seems to think we're a couple again..
I don't really think he ever believed we'd really breake up. For sure, we've been down this road before and ended up back together again.
But this is so over.
There's really no future for us.
It's only going well when we're not together, that's not the kind of relationship I want to be in.
I don't feel so lonely when I'm on my own, knowing I'm not in a relationship and not being denied by someone, not being ignored, not being unwanted and so on.
But he thinks we're a couple again.
And with my birthday coming up, he's more nice then ever before.
Every other day he comes over, just to sit with me.
I don't even have to ask for a hug. He just gives me one, holds me close.
He knows I'm struggling right now.
He tries to cheer me up.
And that's a very nice thing off course, after all that happened, he shouldn't have to do so.
He's not 'my person' anymore, he shouldn't be.
But somehow, he gets me to talk to him, gets me to admit how far down I've fallen thus far and he tries to cheer me up.
He tells me things about me I needed to hear before I got to this point!
And you know what I hate most?
That he tells me he'd actually be miserable the day I'd be gone for good.
Because I know he's not lying.
Of all the people on this planet, I know he's the only one that would actually really miss me.
He's the only one that knows everything about me, the good and the bad, even the totally messed-up and still wants to be around me.
I know he loves me. No denying that.
He puts up with so much shit from me and he still hasn't killed me, that must be love, right?
Doesn't really help right now that he is trying to make me feel good.
He's one of the reasons I feel bad!
Couldn't he have been turned on by me when we were still a couple, so I wouldn't feel unwanted and less of a woman?
Couldn't he have cheered on my ambitions when we were together, so I knew that everything I was doing, wasn't in vain? Does he have to say NOW that I should pick up everything I like and make something out of it?
When I did when we were together, he was aggrivated, annoyed, wouldn't wanted to be with me, didn't seem to apreciate it and certainly didn't wanted to get involved (I could have done with some help with the math, putting things online, me and computers don't get along and he's an expert with those things, he's quite a smart guy, high IQ thing and such).
But no, whenever I was trying to achieve something, he left me.
He withdrew himself, from us, from me.
Wouldn't want to talk to me, about anything.
Certainly not about himself, or us, or anything, just life, not even a joke, nothing, nada.
Because he didn't want to bother me with that, it wasn't any of my concerns, was his reply to everything.
I wasn't allowed to help out with anything, wasn't allowed to know anything and in return, he didn't want to know anything of me and certainly didn't want to hugg me or hold me close when I was feeling bad, about anything.
And now, he's here...
Why?
Am I not fucked up enough already?
I do feel like a deck of cards, being played.
And I don't know how to deal with this.
I think he's preparing something for my birthday as well.
Shit.
Why?
He never wanted to do anything special before, why now?
He never cared for things like birthdays, holidays, valentine's days and so on.
And it usually ended up in pure misery.
Now he wants to come over on my birthday and I'm like: NO, I just want to dissapear and wish upon a star I can make this go away... Make me go away.
Why come over and celebrate a mistake, a failure? Something you've never wanted and tried your best to get rid of? Something you're ashamed of?
Guess I'll never know what drives some people.
I can't even get myself figured out, what makes me think I can get other people figured out?
