Cloudy Clown

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	Thoughts from the soul.
	Army of me
	Healed.
	Shamelessly, shamefully open.
	Growing numb emptyness.

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Cloudy Clown

01-06-2016

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The road to giving up.

It's been a long ride...
A lot of growth, yet nothing changed on the inside...

Everything's the same, day in and day out.
Even on the brightest day, all I see are clouds.

Dark lurics and dark songs,
they talk in my name about all of my wrongs.

Gasping for air, down on my knees.
And to cover it all, I just play around and tease.

Screams remain, each single night.
All the different ways of how anyone had me tied...

Or about all the souls that I so far have lost,
I don't know which kind of nightmare claims the highest cost.

I'm almost begging myself to make it all end,
but I ignore it all as I make my body bend...

Worst of all is that I choose this all,
because the higher I get, the deeper I can fall.

I don't trust it enough yet to give it that massive go.
Not strong enough yet, to at moments say "no".

Because then I ask myself: what does it matter?
All of me is already shattered.

It's only afterwards that I realise I did get another crack.
And then I go make it even worse and find myself a smack.

Where's the logic in this life of mine?
And why am I so terrified of the thought of feeling fine?

And as I write this down and cry,
I realise at least the sadness won't lie...

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