experiencing mood swings I instability I sent an angry text to my sc two days ago. Then I apologized by text again. Must be horrible for him, but it's because I need to talk to him. I want to find out how we can work together like normal colleagues. I don't necessarily want anything anymore, I just wish we could go back to normal. I keep thinking it's all my fault too. I know it's stupid, but I know I've created a whole scenario in my head. He's not going to say that he's responsible for the mess we're in.
I've asked him to go to a gig with me in three days. He said he'd have to check if he could go because he's got a rehearsal session same day. He'll let me know tomorrow.
I really felt like blowing the whole thing off, so I wrote this, without sending it though:
Hey,
I can't go with you. I feel totally unable to connect with you and find it very depressing. I need stability, but I must accept that I won't have this for a long time still. I'm not quite in control of my emotions, yes you're incredibly attractive, but I'm sure you'll stay that way for a long long time. It's best I stay away from you, because it makes it harder. I so badly want us to connect, but it's so unrealistic that I'm continually thrown from one emotion to the other. I'm experiencing what it must be like to be a manic depressive. I guess in normal circumstances, it would have been natural to ask you to go with me to this gig, but I'm really sorry that that isn't quite the case. I'm sure you realize this too. You're no fool. I just want to say that I really appreciate you, in every way, you're so cool and understanding and wise and cute, but we're so not compatible, and I know you think then why not just drop it, but I'm not quite in control of my emotions and life even at the moment.
I have this really big soft spot for you, and it's crazy but I'd do just about anything for you, but you got to accept me as a pain in the ass sometimes and it's not fair to ask that of you. You see how messed up I am? And about the jealousy thing, you're absolutely right, I get jealous and that's just unacceptable, to everyone involved. I shouldn't covet what's not realistic anyway. I should let go, but it's so hard for me sometimes (together with one guy for 14 years!) I'm sorry, I can't relax around you even though I try oh so hard. I wish things were a little different, but I guess I just gotta give it time. Things won't stay like this forever, I know. Maybe someday there will be room for us to connect more easily, I really think there is something there, however far it is tucked away at the moment. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe we all have unrealistic expectations.
Anyway, for what it's still worth, I do love you even if I have a very peculiar way of showing it. Take care xx
I'm kinda nervous. I've got quite a few things going on right now, and I always get nervous when there's too many things on my mind.
What makes me happy? - Being free, discovering myself, enjoying all things me, feeling very fit. - Thinking about SC... (He's still responsive => trust > hope)
Even if he's not going to be my lover in the next months or even years, I'd still trust in me and him, I'd do everything I possibly can to make him see how feel. I might fail, but it's the travelling that's more important than the arrival.
I'm experiencing short pangs of euphoria. The right music esp. triggers this, like Imagine by John Lennon.
I've learned so much from my friend Laurie too. About being close to nature, the here and now, focusing on what's right under your nose. Not to run for your train for example. But rather to run for the pleasure of running.
Something I've rediscovered. Coffee. Works really well when I'm tired. I'm not often tired, only ..........
Today I thought about SC roughly 30 times I think. That's not too bad I think. I looked at his pictures again on facebook. The trouble is, even when he looks tired or drunk or whatever, he's still perfect. I still want to reach out and touch him. I wish I could, but this isn't the right time. I'm working on myself at the moment. What does it mean to be me? What do I like, how do I want to spend my time, who do I want to hang out with, etc.
Am playing a lot of basketball lately, lots of ipod listening too. I love to dance and draw. Am starting a drawing course on Wednesday. Also love live music and especially festivals.
Music I listened to today: Gorky, Lou Reed.
I love SC's face when he's excited about something, it becomes very taut and a lot of veins and lines show, it's incredibly sexy. I love his hands, he has this thing with his fingers, he keeps them slightly slanted or something. I love his big blue eyes, they're gorgeous, they're sexy and very telling too, although I can't quite make out of what. They seem to say "it's a long story." I love his bristly hair, it's shiny and it's perfect to run your fingers through, or at least that's how I imagine it. I love his arms, his upperarms especially, the muscles forming a little bump, and I adore his chest, it's so perfect, with just a tiny bit of hair at the top, but it's so well-shaped, it just makes me want to unbutton his shirt, slowly, sheer delight. And then the way he walks, so quickly, so sexy, so cool, it's like he's dancing inside all the time or something. And his beautiful manly voice, slightly hoarse, sometimes a little croaky, but so warm and deep. He commands respect, he really does. In everything he does. Even when he's angry, I can't help but think Wow!!
It's been quite some time since I lasted posted something on my blog. Things have changed a little. I feel I'm able to keep some distance from my SC. The funny thing is, I have the feeling he doesn't like it too much when I ignore him too much. He wants to keep playing I think. I don't know how long I want to continue playing his game. I really like the guy, that's for sure, but I don't - at all - see myself commiting to a new relationship right now, not until I've settled down again. This can take months still, and I don't know if I want to shower him with attention all the while until he succumbs to my persistence. I really feel this is what he's expecting. He's testing my sincerity. He's right to of course, but what about him? Do I not need some sort of declaration from him? He's clearly the king, whom I need to worship. The question is, am I worthy enough of his love? I really suspect he's quite willing to bestow this upon me, if I can just prove to him what he means to me. I dunno. Is this crazy? Does all of this sound really crazy? Probably.
He brought me chocolates out of the blue the other day. Well, not really out of the blue, I guess. He knows I love chocolate, and he had a whole box of them upstairs in the staff room.
He smelled absolutely lovely at work too. And he's always so well dressed these days. I'd dare to say, dressed to impress. I dunno. I'm scared this is going the other way. The scales are being tipped. He's falling for me after all. I don't want him to go crazy over me just yet. I'm divorcing next week. The last of the paperwork, and then I'm officially single. But I haven't my own place to stay yet. I'm still living with my parents.
What's for sure is that I don't want him to be jealous. I know I'm not going to be, because I realize I'm in no position to be jealous. I don't have the right, and jealousy is just an expression of personal insecurities. I want to be sure of myself, of my self-worth, and so seeing him with other women, I want to be big enough and love him enough as a person, to not let this get to me.
The mistake I don't want to repeat with him is that I don't want his jealousy to influence who I hang out with!!!!!!!!!!
This was the biggest mistake I made in my marriage. BTW, I feel that now that my ex has no claims on me or my life anymore, that I can really be friends with him, and that it would even be ok for me to criticize him for a change!!
I dreaded this so much in the past, but he could be so complaining and whiny at times that I often just stopped listening to what he was saying. I want to wait till the house is sold and our stuff is divided before I attempt to say what I really want to him, I don't want to antagonize him at this point. But, I feel that once I can do this, once I can tell him when he's being a bore or a pain, that that would take our friendship to a new level. I sincerely hope so. He's a good guy. We're both good people, we just weren't good together!
Things are slightly weird nowadays. I worked practically alone with sc on Friday, and we both had said goodbye to each other on Thursday because we thought we wouldn't be seeing each other till after my hols. We were both really surprised to see each other on Friday so. But it was cool. We worked really well together. It was nice to be around him, not wanting his attention or anything. Just happy to see him. He's not in love with me, which is probably for the best anyway since I'm so independent, imperturbable and self-assured most of the time that it brings a chill to plenty a man, I guess. I don't want to say I'm frigid, because those who've seen me drunk know that I'm quite fond and passionate when my interest is sparked. Like when discussing a favourite author or painter or something like that.
Things that would make it difficult for us to have a relationship:
- the fact that I'll have to consciously stop myself from comparing him with my ex - not worry about what I might be doing wrong - getting to know him - getting to know what our common interests are - talking to him about emotional stuff - laying down rules about seeing each other - laying down rules about seeing other people from the opposite sex without arousing suspicion and/or jealousy - accepting each others' friends - not being jealous when seeing each other with other people in the shop - not minding seeing each other all the time at work - talking about how far we can go in the presence of other colleagues - coming to understand what exactly we want from such a relationship - agreeing to disagree - learning to compromise - (for me) not to compare myself with other people who have really good connections with him - learning to remain myself and trying to communicate whenever something doesn't feel right for whatever reason - finding a place where we can be together occasionally (a place of our own so to speak)
But I accept that he doesn't want to be my 'boyfriend' anyway, and also if he's so into Lisa and she changes her mind - which she seems to be doing alright - and does start to fancy him anyway, that I shall accept that too, and be happy for the both of them, because Love will conquer all!
I feel great today. I know I'm in love with this guy, he says he's fond of me but not in love. I feel that's ok, I can handle that. I mean, I'm really happy at least that he's fond of me! I didn't expect to hear that at all. Maybe y'all think I'm silly or something, but I'm a complete dope when it comes to reading someone else's mind. Fond means he cares a little at least, and ok, I care a lot, but it's more like I really really care about him and want him to be happy. I think I'm willing to "wait" forever. I don't need anybody, therefore I can wait for as long as, well, forever I guess. That's how I feel. It's a relief. I don't need to find anybody to replace him, to help me fall out of love with him. No, not anymore. I've told him my feelings, and now I'm going to show him just how fond I am of him. I'm not going to do anything necessarily, I'll just love him more confidently now, since I've admitted to myself that that is how I feel about him. You see, I didn't understand my feelings before. And if it takes me forever, then so be it. He'll remain my muse for the rest of my life. I can love him, without wanting anything in return. Seriously, I'm really convinced of this now. Go ahead laugh. He's someone I wish to protect always, to care for, from a distance if that's what he wants, I'll be sort of like his guardian angel or something.
I shouldn't think what he's thinking but I do it anyway. I'm stubborn like that.
Work today was ok, sort of. I didn't talk to him at all, but we said hello in a nice way. I ignored his gaze, but it was difficult to not think about him. We did accidentally look into each other's eyes, and my god I'm so in love with him, why did I not realize this sooner? Before I completely screwed up? He's really trying to be nice to me without giving me the wrong impression, it's kinda sweet to watch.
I'm trying to tell myself not to be jealous when he's chatting up some girl. Actually, what I do is, I try to concentrate on something I'm busy doing anyway, so that I don't get involved at all.
There's one horrible thought that really really bugs me, and it's that when he makes other colleagues laugh, that I think Why can't we have that? And then yes, I feel jealous. How do I get rid of this most horrible feeling?? I will still need to figure that out.
Maybe I can think one of these thoughts: - Colleagues having fun, I love this work place!! - The situation is funny, I love it - He's just so adorable
Yeah, I will need some practice though...
He thinks he can't make me laugh... that's what's missing, that's why (possibly) he's not in love with me. I think, from reading compatibility of star signs, that it's because my lack of enthusiasm for the things he does. I'm too self-absorbed probably
It's the way I am, I'm not ashamed of it or anything, I just think it's a real shame that he really needs that in a woman and that he doesn't believe we can have a fun relationship. Maybe he's right, maybe I'm too serious about the whole thing, but for me this is now no game anymore, I'm utterly madly deeply smitten with the guy.
At work today... Things were awkward. I gave him the letter, he sort of scoffed at it, at me, but he took it. I didn't get any reaction from him until the afternoon. He said he was angry with me because I had kissed him in front of his ex. He said she still meant a lot to him. I didn't know this. Anyway, she never saw nothing anyway. I promised him I wouldn't kiss him anymore. But well, at least I know why he was so upset. He also said that it wasn't his fault that I felt the way I did, I said I knew this very well, but that it wasn't my fault either. These things kinda happen. He said he was not in love with me. It felt so good to hear this articulated like that. I don't think he's angry anymore, but I sent him a text tonight hoping he wasn't and all, and that I honestly didn't know that it had been such a big deal to him. That I wish him hapiness only, and that I hoped he wasn't still angry with me. No reply. But I don't expect a reply anymore, unless I send him a direct question. It's quite clear that's how he functions. I don't feel ashamed of what I did, I mean writing the letter, letting him know how I feel. I don't think it's bad or anything. He finds it hard. But really that, I think, is his problem. He's obviously not ready for me to be his friend.
I cannot believe how arrogant he is though. Why does that attract me so much??
