Questions and concerns Deze blog is gestart om me te helpen met de vele vragen die ik heb. De vele dingen waar ik mee zit. Om zo mijn leven wat meer kleur te geven ;-)
Ik ben nog niet zo thuis in het hele blog gebeuren dus veel spectaculairs zal er hier nog niet te zien zijn :-P
Maar met de tijd leer ik wel bij en zal ik proberen deze blog wat aangenamer te maken ;-)
10-01-2008
What's new
Why do I even write happy, positive things...they don't last anyway! It's like a curse. If I dare to write something good...bad things will happen instead I give up ...although that's not what I would normally do. I've been waiting for 30 years for some good luck...I'm still waiting!
I keep thinking this relationship was a big mistake. All I wanted was someone to love and someone who could love me back. Is that so much to ask for?? The moment I said yes to his proposal, I've been doubting if this was the best we could do? Every day it gets more clear to me that getting married is the worst thing we could do! Isn't happyness, love and trust the number one condition in a relationship? If we don't have that...then what will our marriage be based on?
I keep thinking what more I could do to make things better. To stop these arguments, fights, discussions... The answer is simpel: NOTHING!! S has a mind of his own. When he decides to be angry, he will. When he decides to start a fight (no reason whatsoever) he will! I'm really wondering what I did or sad wrong this time. Well, screaming up and down, not even normal. He goes up, takes a bath, and suddenly: nothings' wrong!! Nothing happened!! Pfff, he made me mad and he'll feel it all night long. I don't have the need for this meaningless discussions. If he wants to fight, he'll have to fight with his dog! If he wants to argue, he'll have to argue with his dog! If he wants to get married, he'll have to marry his dog!
I'm feeling a litlle bit better. Not much news at the moment. Tomorrow the house will be sold for good! No more misery of that!
Work is going great. Feeling good again. Lots to do and lots of appreciation from boss and collegues....does the trick any time
Love....can't really talk about that. I have no idea how I feel, how I should feel. The same really...hope it will change some day or that I can find a way I won't have to change anything about it
S wants to make me happy he says... Maybe he should think for himself if he really means that or not. Maybe he just thinks he needs me. I don't think he does... Everything I do or say to help is wrong, He gets angry for the least step I make. I don't even think he realizes how he reacts sometimes. How much he can hurt people. How many hearts he brakes. It's just who he is: he's a loner...only him and his puppylove count. There's no room in his life for a woman. Alright, he wants a woman badly enough, but only on his terms. Living together with someone seems impossible for him...someone living with him is barely alright. I have the feeling I'm living in his house, living in his life. It won't take long or I don't excist at all anymore. All my stuff has to go, all my habits have to go, all my ideas are thrown down the drain. Only his thoughts count, for he is almighty...he's always right...he knows everything best...he knows everything! Me...I don't know...what am I doing here really?
I won't say I've been a happy girl in the past...I just had my share of bad luck. But isn't it just normal that after so many troubled years, you just hope for better tidings to come? Why won't it happen for me? Why do I always come last? Should I stand up for myself? I don't know...I don't think it will make things better. Nobody notices me anyway. I used to be loved at work at least. I had fun with my colleagues...they respected and trusted me. Now it seems that even they are backing out on me. I can't blame them... I'm getting more and more introvert. Always silent, always wanting to dissapear. Who wants to hang out with a woman like that?
S says he loves me, that he can't live without me, that he wants to marry me.... But all that is just a lie and I think that deep down he knows. I can't marry a man who doesn't trust me, doesn't respect my thoughts and wishes... He wants everything to himself, his own life, can't share a thing. Why does he keep his password on the computer? Is it really necessary when you live with a woman you say you love, honour and respect more then anything? Why these secrets?
He wants to make me happy?? Maybe he just wants to be happy himself. But obviously I can't help him with that.
I so much want my life back. My own ideas, my own dreams, my own thoughts...I'm so willing to share them with a man in my life, but that man will have to be willing to do the same...and S will never be able to do that.
The New Year has begun...whishes? Dreams? Intentions? ....a lot, but who knows what the new year will bring. The few days at the beach where fine, not fabulous but just fine... Unfortunately, we haven't been spared from disasters but we managed...pretty well Thoughts have been running through my mind...S says he wants to make me happy but how can I make him see that it's difficult... a lot af things he sais and does...how can I make him see that it hurts? A few things I wish would change: 1) I wish....I just hope he wouldn't get so easily uptight when I say something...not everything I say is ment to hurt him (nothing actually) 2) Why does he always want to be right? Why can't he just accept that he's NOT always right! Why does he always think he knows best? Why can't he just accept that sometimes someone else (or me) have good ideas too? or sometimes just know better! 3) The dog...pfff... I think that's the worst problem of all EVERYTHING you say that concerns this dog makes S burst into fire!! His dog is GOLDEN to him. It's his most precious diamant. I'm sure that when I get an allergy from this dog, or he should get aggressive and bite me...I'll be the one to go!! Should I really get married to a guy who puts his dog in first place?? Pfff...don't feel like it Yesterday he began about the precious' puppy days...pff...as if I wanna hear! I know the dog can't help it but sometimes I wish he'd die! When I see S hugging and kissing him and calling him sweet names, I think about the puppy I could have had but never will now S sais he understands that I want a dog but he can't...he has his puppylove....that's all that matters! And his precious simply can't stand other dogs! ..... too bad!
The year is almost over. Tomorrow is my friends birthday. We're gonna leave for 2 days to the ocean. I thought it would be nice for him, that I'd do him a favor. But I get the feeling he'd rather stay home. Pff, why can't he ever enjoy my surprises? Why do I put so many time in trying to surprise him. I will be very glad if we can spend these few days without a fight...I wonder...
Finally! We moved into our new house! It hasn't gone without the necessary fights of cours Why do I always manage to pick out the most difficult guys in the world!? I know, you might get the impression I think highly of myself but there you're wrong... I'm definitely not the easiest person to live with, but the combination between our two caracters seems to be the perfect ingredients for a massive fireworks over and over again!
Yesterday, I had the time to read my old diary. I was shocked. So many depressions... Many times I wrote about the end, and killing myself. Where has my life lead to? What have I become? Why don't I feel better by now? It seems like I live from depression to depression. How long can I hold on to this? I read about Fred again. I even dreamed of him last night. Why have I never been able to forget about him? What has he done to me in the past? I still have that burning desire to see him onces more, to hear his voice one more time... Will I be waiting for that moment all my life? I hope not
Pfff, I tried to write off my frustration yesterday, but when my story was done, I pushed the wrong button and yes...you can already guess...everything gone So, I'll try again..
The day started great yesterday..Last day at work for the rest of the year (what matters for the rest ) I had my end-of-the-year evaluation with my boss. It was GREAT!! He's very satisfied with my work and even suggested if I would appreciate some work with more responsibility (smells like promotion ) He even suggested another office (lets say mine now is horrible!) So...OF COURSE!! We're gonna think about different possibilities and make decisions in January...What a way to start your vacation!
Well, when I went to look at the progress in our new home (some minor things had to be done. Call it the 'finishing touch') Phioew...I almost had a hart attack!! There was an enormous pool of water in the room where the heating is placed. It came dripping from the ceiling, nicely down the lighting!!! Called the owner...he was gonna send someone right a way to fix it.. Pff, what you can call fix it..you can't convince me that water didn't do any damage Today we went back and everything is fixed indeed. We talked about that damage and he agreed that we would never be held responsible for any future exposures of that damage. I'm curious..
So, with some delay...we can finaly start cleaning up the place and move in.. Everything is looking good so we can start dreaming of a Christmas atmosphere
The porn-issue is well out of our way and we finaly 'celebrated' that last night. Need I draw a picture? I'll leave it to your imagination
For the first time in 32 years I have the feeling that porn is no longer taboo for me And that happened in just 2 days!! Yesterday we had a very long and good conversation about everything that was on our minds. Miraculously, he had to admit that he would also be very hurt and feel very insecure if he'd find out I would have the need to look at naked man on +16 sites So, we both came to an understanding that there's nothing wrong with porn and we can both do with it what we want, but also being open about it. So no more taboo but experience it together! Hmmmm...this story might get a tail
So now a less hot item...baby's! That was another item on our discussion list. After realizing that there is a lot of love left between us, we both still feel the need to bless that love with a wonder of our own. As that is not so uncomplicated for us as it is for most couples , we decided to go through with the infertility program. We still have 5 tries left and we'll go for it...all the way!
Maybe, just maybe I found that inner peace I needed so much these last days, months, years,... I've asked myself millions of questions, I had many concerns....I had some answers and they helped me a bit. Maybe... Maybe I don't have that complete sence of serenity, deep inner peace with the issue so difficult for me to talk about. But maybe I can find it and do something with it. I hope so... The most imortant reason for this change of feeling is a blog I discovered last week. Intrigueing, passionate, mysterious in some ways, but most important...overloaded by love. Call it faith, call it coincidence, struck by chance, but this story, this blog was exactly what I needed to hear in my life. This person has, without knowing it, saved my inner soul. His story made me understand the difference between two people, and how they can survive by the force of love. He made me see that I can really accept the difference between my man and me. And how I can find peace in the things that are so difficult for me to understand. And for that I wish to thank him deeply, sincerely...Thank you!!
I have no idea what's happening to my life. These ups and downs are not bearable anymore. I'm going under Everything was looking so good with the moving to our new house...
All I want is respect for each other. And trust! And for now all that is gone. I have no idea how we can solve this. He thinks he didn't do anything wrong and that every man does this. But I find that very hard to believe
Pfff, he made me mad and he'll feel it all night long. I don't have the need for this meaningless discussions. If he wants to fight, he'll have to fight with his dog! If he wants to argue, he'll have to argue with his dog! If he wants to get married, he'll have to marry his dog!
No more misery of that! 
EVERYTHING you say that concerns this dog makes S burst into fire!! His dog is GOLDEN to him. It's his most precious diamant. I'm sure that when I get an allergy from this dog, or he should get aggressive and bite me...I'll be the one to go!! 
)
For the first time in 32 years I have the feeling that porn is no longer taboo for me 
