1
00:00:18,095 --> 00:00:21,676
IAN: We open up against
Michigan in two weeks.
2
00:00:22,414 --> 00:00:26,101
Coach's got me hitting
the bench pretty hard.
3
00:00:29,679 --> 00:00:33,358
Shit. How much is a lot?
4
00:00:34,350 --> 00:00:37,036
One... No, two.
5
00:00:40,749 --> 00:00:44,178
I'm putting up three hundy.
6
00:00:52,366 --> 00:00:55,053
Well, let's see, Tasty.
7
00:00:57,389 --> 00:00:59,475
(EXHALES)
8
00:00:59,500 --> 00:01:01,227
Wow!
9
00:01:01,900 --> 00:01:03,790
Um...
10
00:01:04,844 --> 00:01:08,042
Wow, you're really pretty.
I've never seen...
11
00:01:08,043 --> 00:01:09,258
No, stop it, stop it.
12
00:01:09,259 --> 00:01:13,551
Don't be so fucking desperate.
Come on, be a dick. Be cool.
13
00:01:14,732 --> 00:01:18,029
<i>MAN IMITATING VAN DAMME: Don't be
a pussy. Tell her she's an ugly skank.</i>
14
00:01:20,299 --> 00:01:21,867
Yeah.
15
00:01:21,868 --> 00:01:23,725
Not bad.
16
00:01:24,427 --> 00:01:26,219
I've seen better.
17
00:01:30,730 --> 00:01:32,905
Yeah, whatever.
18
00:01:33,292 --> 00:01:38,346
Coach's got us running two-a-days,
so I gotta bounce.
19
00:01:55,402 --> 00:01:57,455
(BLANKET RUSTLES)
20
00:01:59,977 --> 00:02:04,170
Miss Tasty? How did you get here?
21
00:02:04,393 --> 00:02:06,414
Shh!
22
00:02:07,912 --> 00:02:09,835
(GASPING)
23
00:02:36,903 --> 00:02:39,077
(GROANING)
24
00:03:04,037 --> 00:03:05,764
(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
25
00:03:05,765 --> 00:03:08,419
(SNORING)
26
00:03:22,084 --> 00:03:24,484
Ian, wake up, faggot. Judge rolls in 20,
27
00:03:24,485 --> 00:03:26,532
so if you want a ride to work
you better get your poop in a group.
28
00:03:26,533 --> 00:03:30,212
- Okay, I'll be right down.
- No. Now, Clay Aiken.
29
00:03:30,916 --> 00:03:31,939
Hey...
30
00:03:31,940 --> 00:03:34,531
- Ow! Cut it out.
- Hurts, doesn't it?
31
00:03:34,532 --> 00:03:36,644
Shut up! I'm trying to sleep.
32
00:03:36,645 --> 00:03:39,844
Hey, sorry, Big D. Just go back to sleep.
33
00:03:39,845 --> 00:03:42,211
- You, get up.
- Give me a minute.
34
00:03:42,212 --> 00:03:43,427
What are you hiding?
35
00:03:43,428 --> 00:03:45,443
You got a big fattie under there, don't you?
36
00:03:45,444 --> 00:03:50,181
Yeah, you do. You're stroking it, too.
Oh! What the F?
37
00:03:50,626 --> 00:03:52,066
Good. My boys are all here.
38
00:03:52,067 --> 00:03:54,017
- Dad, Ian's free...
- Can it, Rex.
39
00:03:54,018 --> 00:03:57,379
Your pop's got a bombshell to drop,
so ears open.
40
00:03:57,380 --> 00:04:00,290
Last night,
your old man popped the question.
41
00:04:00,291 --> 00:04:01,377
(LAUGHS)
42
00:04:01,378 --> 00:04:03,042
Show them, Karen.
43
00:04:03,043 --> 00:04:05,380
(EXCLAIMING)
44
00:04:05,571 --> 00:04:07,844
I'm so happy.
45
00:04:08,387 --> 00:04:09,442
(LAUGHS)
46
00:04:09,443 --> 00:04:11,873
Hey, way to go!
47
00:04:11,874 --> 00:04:15,201
Ian, you wanna get off your duff
and come over here and give Karen a hug?
48
00:04:15,202 --> 00:04:16,256
Um...
49
00:04:16,257 --> 00:04:19,810
- Yeah, Ian, get up. You're being rude.
- Can we do that later?
50
00:04:19,811 --> 00:04:23,654
- Damn it, Ian, get up...
- No, no, honey. It's okay.
51
00:04:23,778 --> 00:04:28,580
We have to give him time
to get used to the idea.
52
00:04:30,176 --> 00:04:31,199
IAN'S DAD: Karen?
REX: Are you okay?
53
00:04:31,200 --> 00:04:33,152
IAN'S DAD: Karen? Karen, honey?
REX: You okay?
54
00:04:33,153 --> 00:04:34,751
Sweetheart?
55
00:04:34,752 --> 00:04:36,606
What smells like jizz?
56
00:04:36,607 --> 00:04:38,430
<i>(LET'S GET IT UP PLAYING ON CAR RADIO)</i>
57
00:04:38,431 --> 00:04:40,519
(HONKING)
58
00:04:41,633 --> 00:04:44,799
Let's go! Kick it in the ass, dildo!
59
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:47,040
(ENGINE REVVING)
60
00:04:52,736 --> 00:04:53,791
(LAUGHS)
61
00:04:53,792 --> 00:04:57,634
Come on, get in. Get in!
62
00:05:02,336 --> 00:05:03,615
(GRUNTS)
63
00:05:03,616 --> 00:05:04,927
(REX LAUGHING)
64
00:05:04,928 --> 00:05:06,851
REX: You suck!
65
00:05:08,095 --> 00:05:11,808
Okay, seriously.
Quit being such a fag and get in.
66
00:05:15,166 --> 00:05:18,013
<i>(SINGING) Never go down
So let's get it up</i>
67
00:05:18,014 --> 00:05:19,644
(SINGING ALONG)
68
00:05:19,645 --> 00:05:21,950
(COUGHS)
69
00:05:21,951 --> 00:05:25,946
Ian, I'm gonna ask you a question,
and I want a straight answer.
70
00:05:26,142 --> 00:05:27,997
- You queer?
- What?
71
00:05:27,998 --> 00:05:30,428
- God damn it! I knew it!
- I didn't say anything.
72
00:05:30,429 --> 00:05:32,701
Exactly. If someone asks you
if you're a pole smoker,
73
00:05:32,702 --> 00:05:36,060
you just deny it, straight off.
No pause, no farting around.
74
00:05:36,061 --> 00:05:37,180
Rex, I'm not gay.
75
00:05:37,181 --> 00:05:40,251
Ian, you're 18,
and you've never had a girlfriend.
76
00:05:40,252 --> 00:05:42,909
That's how people wind up getting gay,
you know.
77
00:05:42,910 --> 00:05:44,860
I don't think that's really how it happens.
78
00:05:44,861 --> 00:05:47,228
Is that not how it happens?
So tell me how it happens, expert.
79
00:05:47,229 --> 00:05:49,628
Fucking cock expert. Cockspert.
80
00:05:49,629 --> 00:05:51,612
Hey, what do you like better,
the shaft or the balls?
81
00:05:51,613 --> 00:05:53,659
That's gross.
I don't know why you're talking about it.
82
00:05:53,660 --> 00:05:55,899
Look, every guy's got a fantasy
about another guy,
83
00:05:55,900 --> 00:05:59,547
but you got to bury that shit way down.
This is America, God damn it.
84
00:05:59,548 --> 00:06:03,451
There is...
There is a girl that I've been kind of...
85
00:06:03,452 --> 00:06:06,299
All right, I'm listening.
Where'd you meet her?
86
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,379
On the... Online.
87
00:06:08,380 --> 00:06:09,435
(TIRES SQUEALING)
88
00:06:09,436 --> 00:06:12,858
<i>What? For fuck's sake, Ian,
don't you watch Dateline?</i>
89
00:06:12,859 --> 00:06:17,114
She's probably a guy. Some fat old dude
who wants to ram you in the tailpipe.
90
00:06:17,115 --> 00:06:21,209
But you'd love that, wouldn't you?
'Cause you're a homo.
91
00:06:30,363 --> 00:06:34,042
REX: Try not to come home any gayer
than you are now.
92
00:06:34,490 --> 00:06:37,591
<i>(GO T YOU PLAYING)</i>
93
00:06:40,697 --> 00:06:45,240
<i>(SINGING) Hey</i>
94
00:06:45,275 --> 00:06:48,664
<i>What's your favorite song?</i>
95
00:06:48,665 --> 00:06:52,061
<i>Maybe we could hum along</i>
96
00:06:52,537 --> 00:06:59,326
<i>Well, I think you're smart,
you sweet thing</i>
97
00:06:59,736 --> 00:07:04,987
<i>Tell me your name,
I'm dying here</i>
98
00:07:09,689 --> 00:07:13,684
<i>Got you where I want you</i>
99
00:07:14,136 --> 00:07:16,244
<i>Yeah</i>
100
00:07:21,302 --> 00:07:23,159
(SIGHS)
101
00:07:23,351 --> 00:07:29,590
- Hey, Becca. How are you?
- I'm good. I'm fine. Whatever.
102
00:07:29,591 --> 00:07:33,622
(CHUCKLING) Hey, Becca.
Looks like you had a long, nasty night.
103
00:07:33,623 --> 00:07:37,366
<i>- Ron and Ian want the four-one-uno.
- Whatever. You guys are gross.</i>
104
00:07:37,367 --> 00:07:42,420
- I'm not gross. I didn't say anything.
- Okay, who's going on coupon rounds?
105
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:48,059
- No, Becca, I did it yesterday.
- Please, Ian.
106
00:07:49,559 --> 00:07:51,896
I love you so much.
107
00:07:53,622 --> 00:07:57,433
IAN: Hello. This is a coupon for six free...
No? Okay. Sorry. Donuts? No.
108
00:07:57,781 --> 00:07:59,412
- Six free donuts with the Bandito's Dozen.
- Thanks.
109
00:07:59,413 --> 00:08:01,619
You're welcome. Sorry.
110
00:08:02,293 --> 00:08:04,755
Excuse me. Do you know where the Gap is?
111
00:08:04,756 --> 00:08:09,108
- It's just past the movie theater.
- Thanks, man.
112
00:08:09,109 --> 00:08:11,479
(LAUGHING)
113
00:08:12,917 --> 00:08:15,003
Yeah, real funny.
114
00:08:18,068 --> 00:08:20,244
Free donuts, free coupons.
115
00:08:20,245 --> 00:08:23,160
TIFFANY: Felicia. How's it fitting, hon?
116
00:08:34,068 --> 00:08:38,063
Well, you look nice.
117
00:08:38,099 --> 00:08:40,242
You know, sweetie,
there's still time to have your boobs done
118
00:08:40,243 --> 00:08:41,426
before my wedding.
119
00:08:41,427 --> 00:08:43,857
Darren and I already discussed them,
and he said he'd pay for it.
120
00:08:43,858 --> 00:08:47,570
I mean, he's a dentist,
so it's totally not a big deal.
121
00:08:48,209 --> 00:08:50,290
Excuse me, do you have a pair of scissors?
122
00:08:50,291 --> 00:08:52,338
Oh! Sure, sweetie. Do you have a stringie?
123
00:08:52,339 --> 00:08:55,796
Oh, no. I was just hoping
you could slit my wrists for me quickly.
124
00:08:55,797 --> 00:08:59,125
My husband killed himself last Christmas.
125
00:09:00,114 --> 00:09:03,825
I am so sorry. I was just...
126
00:09:03,826 --> 00:09:08,912
Hello. This is a coupon
for six free donuts. Donuts?
127
00:09:09,457 --> 00:09:15,089
Oh, my God! You look so hot in that.
128
00:09:15,090 --> 00:09:17,968
Hey, sweetheart, listen.
Please don't take this the wrong way,
129
00:09:17,969 --> 00:09:19,888
but your whole trying too hard thing,
130
00:09:19,889 --> 00:09:22,511
it's just coming across as needy,
you know?
131
00:09:22,512 --> 00:09:24,815
And I think you're better than that,
Kimberly.
132
00:09:24,816 --> 00:09:29,678
- But all I was saying was that...
- Shh! Let's see it in a large. Okay?
133
00:09:29,679 --> 00:09:31,664
I mean, Christ,
I'm out buying him clothes right now.
134
00:09:31,665 --> 00:09:35,439
He's 18 years old.
I don't have to do that shit anymore.
135
00:09:35,440 --> 00:09:40,461
Look, Judy, listen, I'm sorry,
I'm losing you. I'm going into a tunnel.
136
00:09:41,327 --> 00:09:44,975
Well, it's official, Lance,
your mom's still bat-shit crazy.
137
00:09:44,976 --> 00:09:47,247
What? You're telling me
she doesn't shit-talk me?
138
00:09:47,248 --> 00:09:50,093
No, actually, she doesn't. She doesn't, ever.
139
00:09:50,094 --> 00:09:52,879
All right. Let me give you some advice,
Lance, all right?
140
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,823
Don't ever get married.
Just an endless parade of horseshit.
141
00:09:55,824 --> 00:09:59,438
And whatever you do, man,
always wear a rubber. Christ.
142
00:09:59,439 --> 00:10:02,221
Nice. Always classy.
143
00:10:02,222 --> 00:10:06,513
Hey, come on, Lance, I didn't mean it like...
Come on, dawg.
144
00:10:09,357 --> 00:10:13,748
Hey, sir. I've got something yummy
for your little girl.
145
00:10:14,254 --> 00:10:15,533
(SCREAMING)
146
00:10:15,534 --> 00:10:20,010
Oh, my God. Excuse me! Sorry!
147
00:10:22,222 --> 00:10:23,850
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
148
00:10:24,494 --> 00:10:28,396
- Ian? Oh, my God, dude, what happened?
- I don't know.
149
00:10:28,397 --> 00:10:30,763
Is there a cock and balls
on the front of me again?
150
00:10:30,764 --> 00:10:33,832
- Like a little tree trunk.
- IAN: Thank you.
151
00:10:34,254 --> 00:10:36,721
Oh, my God.
152
00:10:38,894 --> 00:10:42,764
- Whoa. You look pretty.
- God, shut up, Ian!
153
00:10:42,765 --> 00:10:46,571
What? I'm just saying,
you usually dress so... You look nice.
154
00:10:46,572 --> 00:10:48,875
Ian, why do you got to work the mouth
when you talk to us?
155
00:10:48,876 --> 00:10:52,298
- Yeah, Ian.
- Sorry, it's a... It's a habit.
156
00:10:52,299 --> 00:10:55,275
Hey, that girl you work with, Becca,
you gonna bring her to my party tonight?
157
00:10:55,276 --> 00:10:59,851
- Yeah, I asked her. She said no.
- Good. Dude, she's totally wrong for you.
158
00:10:59,852 --> 00:11:02,283
That's what you say about everyone.
159
00:11:02,284 --> 00:11:04,265
She made you wear
the fucking costume again, right?
160
00:11:04,266 --> 00:11:06,667
- You know, I don't mind...
- Dude, if you told her to fuck off,
161
00:11:06,668 --> 00:11:09,930
she'd be two knuckles deep right now
daydreaming about your big black cock.
162
00:11:09,931 --> 00:11:11,145
FELICIA: Ian, do not listen to him.
163
00:11:11,146 --> 00:11:13,802
Okay, girls want a nice guy
who's gonna treat them well.
164
00:11:13,803 --> 00:11:15,433
- Really?
- Yes. Really.
165
00:11:15,434 --> 00:11:17,643
Look, all I'm saying is
everybody wants a challenge.
166
00:11:17,644 --> 00:11:20,010
- Everybody wants...
- What they can't get. I know, I got it.
167
00:11:20,011 --> 00:11:23,850
- That shit does not work.
- It works on you.
168
00:11:23,851 --> 00:11:26,221
No, it doesn't.
169
00:11:29,962 --> 00:11:31,624
Felicia!
170
00:11:31,625 --> 00:11:35,303
Balls! I got to go.
Evil cousin's spending the weekend.
171
00:11:35,304 --> 00:11:38,121
- Pretty cousin?
- Ian, she's the anti-Christ.
172
00:11:38,122 --> 00:11:41,800
- She's still super hot.
- Fuck you, too. See you.
173
00:11:42,121 --> 00:11:43,240
So what happened with Becca?
174
00:11:43,241 --> 00:11:44,839
You been doing like I told you,
being a dick?
175
00:11:44,840 --> 00:11:49,797
Yeah, kind of. Being kind of a dick.
I'd say... No, not really.
176
00:11:50,025 --> 00:11:51,975
I mean, you know,
I've sort of been practicing
177
00:11:51,976 --> 00:11:55,111
your whole being-a-dick thing
with this girl I met online.
178
00:11:55,112 --> 00:11:57,062
- And I get it, but I just...
- Thanks.
179
00:11:57,063 --> 00:11:58,888
I don't think I could do that for real.
180
00:11:58,889 --> 00:12:00,968
Dude, sure you can.
I believe in you, you know.
181
00:12:00,969 --> 00:12:04,647
You just got to stop worrying
about being the good guy all the time.
182
00:12:04,648 --> 00:12:06,727
I mean, okay,
look at Andy and Randy over there.
183
00:12:06,728 --> 00:12:08,615
You think they care
what women think about them?
184
00:12:08,616 --> 00:12:11,014
They could give a fuck.
185
00:12:11,015 --> 00:12:13,702
- What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?
186
00:12:13,703 --> 00:12:16,997
Hi. I'm collecting for
the underprivileged children of Ecuador.
187
00:12:16,998 --> 00:12:19,335
- Would you like to help?
- You wanna party?
188
00:12:19,336 --> 00:12:21,607
Um... I'm kind of working right now.
189
00:12:21,608 --> 00:12:23,910
- When are you done?
- Yeah, what are you doing after?
190
00:12:23,911 --> 00:12:25,478
I have a church thing tonight.
191
00:12:25,479 --> 00:12:27,397
- Kick ass, we'll come.
- Yeah, where is it?
192
00:12:27,398 --> 00:12:29,414
Is there gonna be
more hot snatch like you there?
193
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:32,358
Those guys are total nards.
They never get anywhere.
194
00:12:32,359 --> 00:12:34,277
That's just 'cause they don't know
how to close.
195
00:12:34,278 --> 00:12:36,164
But they're ability to open
is fucking heroic.
196
00:12:36,165 --> 00:12:38,692
- Do you wear thong underpants?
- Do you want us to take our shirts off?
197
00:12:38,693 --> 00:12:40,422
- Where do you live?
- Is your mom hot, too?
198
00:12:40,423 --> 00:12:42,118
- Where do you live?
- What's your address?
199
00:12:42,119 --> 00:12:43,782
- Do you want us to come over?
- Do you like pizza?
200
00:12:43,783 --> 00:12:46,284
We've been to a motel.
201
00:12:49,126 --> 00:12:53,514
- Fuck off, donut.
- Rex, it's me.
202
00:12:54,021 --> 00:12:55,939
What the fuck is this all about?
203
00:12:55,940 --> 00:12:59,747
I broke the key off of our locker.
I couldn't get my clothes out.
204
00:12:59,748 --> 00:13:04,171
Stow that shit in the trunk.
Christ, you look like a Mexican butt-hole.
205
00:13:08,516 --> 00:13:10,439
REX: (LAUGHING) You suck.
206
00:13:13,156 --> 00:13:15,395
Becca? Hey.
207
00:13:15,396 --> 00:13:18,922
Wow, I didn't know
that you were coming over.
208
00:13:19,075 --> 00:13:24,100
Cool. I didn't even know
that you knew where I lived. I mean...
209
00:13:24,101 --> 00:13:26,723
- Yeah, I do.
- Yeah.
210
00:13:26,724 --> 00:13:30,082
- So...
- Oh! It's a funny story. I broke...
211
00:13:30,083 --> 00:13:33,794
I broke my key off
and Ron let me borrow the...
212
00:13:33,795 --> 00:13:37,441
Anyway, so this is great.
You changed your mind.
213
00:13:37,442 --> 00:13:38,689
Now, the party, it doesn't start
214
00:13:38,690 --> 00:13:43,048
- for a few hours.
- Actually, I was wondering if Dylan's here.
215
00:13:44,611 --> 00:13:47,042
- Dylan?
- Yeah. Is he here?
216
00:13:47,043 --> 00:13:49,409
- My 14-year-old brother Dylan?
- Yeah.
217
00:13:49,410 --> 00:13:54,241
- DYLAN: Nice underpants, Ian.
- Snap! Dang, that was funny.
218
00:13:54,242 --> 00:13:56,831
You know he's 14, right?
219
00:13:58,497 --> 00:14:00,638
<i>(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)</i>
220
00:14:15,073 --> 00:14:19,230
Ian, dude, there's like 80 wet chicks here.
Get off your wallflower ass.
221
00:14:19,231 --> 00:14:22,142
- Are you smoking cigars now?
- Yes.
222
00:14:22,143 --> 00:14:25,343
- Hey, Lance. Tight party.
- Okay, rude.
223
00:14:25,344 --> 00:14:27,167
You can see
I'm having a conversation here.
224
00:14:27,168 --> 00:14:30,046
Now, I'll be with you
in a few minutes, okay?
225
00:14:30,047 --> 00:14:31,391
- Thank you.
- We're sorry.
226
00:14:31,392 --> 00:14:33,342
- Don't apologize to her.
- I'm sorry.
227
00:14:33,343 --> 00:14:34,847
Don't apologize to me.
228
00:14:34,848 --> 00:14:36,705
(SCOFFS)
229
00:14:39,583 --> 00:14:41,118
Hey, I'm gonna go see
who Felicia's talking to.
230
00:14:41,119 --> 00:14:43,326
No, dude, forget Felicia, okay?
231
00:14:43,327 --> 00:14:45,343
I know you guys are BFF and all that shit,
232
00:14:45,344 --> 00:14:47,678
but tonight's about getting that dick
a little daylight.
233
00:14:47,679 --> 00:14:49,695
Hey, Lindsay, sweetheart,
where you going?
234
00:14:49,696 --> 00:14:52,126
Come here, we're not done. Get in here.
235
00:14:52,127 --> 00:14:55,869
- You know my boy Ian?
- Yeah. No. I don't know.
236
00:14:55,870 --> 00:14:59,964
- You used to be on my paper route.
- Okay, sure. My mom likes you.
237
00:14:59,965 --> 00:15:03,356
You know what else
about our boy Ian here?
238
00:15:03,357 --> 00:15:05,467
Ian is a bust-ass virgin.
239
00:15:05,468 --> 00:15:07,459
(SPLUTTERS)
240
00:15:07,935 --> 00:15:10,525
- I'm so sorry.
- He's fresh meat.
241
00:15:10,526 --> 00:15:12,125
(GIGGLING)
242
00:15:12,126 --> 00:15:15,292
Yeah. No, I'm pretty stoked.
I got into the University of Wisconsin,
243
00:15:15,293 --> 00:15:17,500
and I'm gonna go for veterinary medicine,
'cause that's where...
244
00:15:17,501 --> 00:15:19,900
- Are you gonna go to college?
- University of Boulder.
245
00:15:19,901 --> 00:15:21,596
It's a great party school.
246
00:15:21,597 --> 00:15:26,813
Oh, you know, I read that they have
a really great astronomy program.
247
00:15:26,814 --> 00:15:28,733
I don't know if that's
what you're going there for or...
248
00:15:28,734 --> 00:15:34,846
Because it's really high elevation,
and you can see the stars really well...
249
00:15:36,924 --> 00:15:38,715
Planets.
250
00:15:38,716 --> 00:15:42,138
Wow! A little tip action there.
That's really suggestive.
251
00:15:42,139 --> 00:15:45,306
I'm not saying that
you're gonna do that on my, well...
252
00:15:45,307 --> 00:15:48,123
There, what, you're gonna... Two in there.
253
00:15:48,124 --> 00:15:49,211
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
254
00:15:49,212 --> 00:15:50,267
- Wow, you're really...
- FELICIA: Ian! Dude!
255
00:15:50,268 --> 00:15:51,290
(POPPING)
256
00:15:51,291 --> 00:15:54,818
I'm... Could you excuse me for a second?
257
00:15:55,483 --> 00:15:58,778
- Hey!
- Hey! What up?
258
00:15:58,779 --> 00:16:02,457
- What are you doing in there, man?
- What're you doing out here, man?
259
00:16:02,458 --> 00:16:05,241
- I asked you first.
- Uh... Nothing.
260
00:16:05,242 --> 00:16:08,922
No, I just... I spilled beer on my shirt,
so then I had to...
261
00:16:08,923 --> 00:16:13,721
- I thought you had, like, a girl in there.
- Yeah, right. I wish.
262
00:16:13,722 --> 00:16:17,177
So, okay.
So, are your parents, like, still going
263
00:16:17,178 --> 00:16:19,257
to Dylan's motor-cross thing this weekend?
264
00:16:19,258 --> 00:16:20,889
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They all take off in the morning.
265
00:16:20,890 --> 00:16:22,168
Okay. Awesome.
266
00:16:22,169 --> 00:16:27,031
'Cause my evil cousin is driving me nuts,
so, I don't know,
267
00:16:27,032 --> 00:16:30,169
you think, like, maybe I could hang
at your place this weekend?
268
00:16:30,170 --> 00:16:32,792
Yeah. Yeah, like a sleepover or something.
It'll be fun.
269
00:16:32,793 --> 00:16:39,128
Oh, my God! Thank you so much.
Hey, I have a secret.
270
00:16:39,129 --> 00:16:40,184
(LAUGHS)
271
00:16:40,185 --> 00:16:45,141
- Look at you acting like such a girl.
- I know, I know. Okay, okay. Here it is.
272
00:16:46,232 --> 00:16:51,064
I have a crush on someone, a boy, a guy.
273
00:16:51,065 --> 00:16:53,624
Yeah? Well, who is it?
274
00:16:53,625 --> 00:16:56,375
Come on, you know me better than anyone.
I bet you know who it is.
275
00:16:56,376 --> 00:16:58,549
Come on, guess.
276
00:16:59,703 --> 00:17:01,462
Um...
277
00:17:01,560 --> 00:17:03,733
I think I know.
278
00:17:09,014 --> 00:17:10,999
(GASPING)
279
00:17:11,000 --> 00:17:17,243
I'm kidding. Oh, God! I got you.
You're so easy. You're so easy!
280
00:17:20,406 --> 00:17:23,445
- You're my best friend.
- I know, and you're my best friend.
281
00:17:23,446 --> 00:17:27,922
That's why it's funny that we would kiss,
because we wouldn't.
282
00:17:29,334 --> 00:17:33,366
<i>So who is it? Who's the lucky caballero?</i>
283
00:17:33,367 --> 00:17:35,958
Um... Nobody.
284
00:17:35,959 --> 00:17:40,314
- Nobody?
- I... I was kidding, too.
285
00:17:40,566 --> 00:17:42,644
- That is funny.
- It's hilarious.
286
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:45,593
- That is so funny.
- That is so funny.
287
00:17:45,653 --> 00:17:47,411
Oh! I...
288
00:17:47,412 --> 00:17:48,435
- Oh, you got...
- Yeah.
289
00:17:48,436 --> 00:17:50,930
- All right. So...
- Hey!
290
00:17:50,931 --> 00:17:52,922
Okay.
291
00:17:57,908 --> 00:17:59,700
Harsh.
292
00:18:09,491 --> 00:18:12,626
- Hey, babe, you wanna party?
- I'm at a party.
293
00:18:12,627 --> 00:18:14,739
RANDY: Do you wanna make out with us?
294
00:18:14,740 --> 00:18:15,828
ANDY: Why don't you take a picture, Ian?
295
00:18:15,829 --> 00:18:18,549
Yeah, and post it on
Totalfuckingawesomeness. com.
296
00:18:18,550 --> 00:18:20,530
Backslash-we-rule!
297
00:18:20,531 --> 00:18:21,714
RANDY: Where'd you come up with that?
298
00:18:21,715 --> 00:18:27,282
- Hey, can I ask you guys a question?
- You just did.
299
00:18:27,410 --> 00:18:29,425
- Can I ask you another question?
- You just did again.
300
00:18:29,426 --> 00:18:33,138
- What's up? What's up?
- What's up, what's up?
301
00:18:33,329 --> 00:18:36,946
- Dude, where you going?
- Dude, come on. Be a buddy.
302
00:18:36,947 --> 00:18:41,904
- I'm... All right, all right.
- You got to get over the monkey.
303
00:18:41,905 --> 00:18:45,969
Where do you guys get the confidence to,
like, hit on every girl you see?
304
00:18:45,970 --> 00:18:49,552
- 'Cause we're the shit.
- Yeah, you oughts to know that, bitch.
305
00:18:49,553 --> 00:18:53,494
- So where's Felicia?
- Fel-ate-cha. Yeah.
306
00:18:53,745 --> 00:18:57,655
- She's in...
- Fe-lay-cha! You banging her?
307
00:18:57,778 --> 00:18:59,377
We're just friends.
308
00:18:59,378 --> 00:19:01,840
- I'm uncircumcised.
- GIRL: Fuck off!
309
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:03,632
Wait, I thought you took her to prom.
310
00:19:03,633 --> 00:19:07,159
Yeah,
but it was a just-friends kind of thing.
311
00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,846
You should bang her. We would.
312
00:19:12,847 --> 00:19:14,446
ANDY: Dude, we would bang her so hard.
313
00:19:14,447 --> 00:19:16,592
Yeah, tell her we'll bang her for you
if you're not into it.
314
00:19:16,593 --> 00:19:17,999
Yeah. Hard.
315
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,207
- With our dicks!
- Yeah, our dicks are huge.
316
00:19:20,208 --> 00:19:21,231
RANDY: You could see them from space!
317
00:19:21,232 --> 00:19:22,287
(ANDY SPITS)
318
00:19:22,288 --> 00:19:24,527
- What's up?
- What's up?
319
00:19:29,840 --> 00:19:32,242
I'll call you from nationals.
320
00:19:34,766 --> 00:19:37,869
- BECCA: Say it.
- You're my little donut girl.
321
00:19:41,200 --> 00:19:45,391
- Bye, sexy.
- Yo, Ian.
322
00:19:45,807 --> 00:19:50,163
- You want to smell my finger?
- Yeah, okay.
323
00:19:52,014 --> 00:19:53,804
(SNIFFS)
324
00:19:53,805 --> 00:19:56,044
Are you sure you got the right hole?
325
00:19:56,045 --> 00:19:57,902
(SNIFFS)
326
00:20:07,340 --> 00:20:09,231
Awesome.
327
00:20:13,933 --> 00:20:16,946
Hmm... '69.
328
00:20:21,838 --> 00:20:23,436
(LAUGHS)
329
00:20:23,437 --> 00:20:25,164
Whoa.
330
00:20:32,907 --> 00:20:35,473
Don't puss out. Be cool.
331
00:20:37,450 --> 00:20:40,107
I don't know.
332
00:20:40,108 --> 00:20:46,450
That is a long drive, my sugar biscuit!
333
00:20:47,883 --> 00:20:51,410
Sugar biscuit? God, I suck at this.
334
00:20:55,658 --> 00:20:57,744
(SLURPING)
335
00:21:00,780 --> 00:21:02,282
(CLANGING)
336
00:21:02,283 --> 00:21:04,138
Holy buckets.
337
00:21:04,139 --> 00:21:05,801
(SLURPS)
338
00:21:05,802 --> 00:21:08,105
She wants me to give her the D.
339
00:21:08,106 --> 00:21:09,129
<i>(NASTY GIRL PLAYING ON HEADPHONES)</i>
340
00:21:09,130 --> 00:21:10,185
<i>(SINGING) Well, honey</i>
341
00:21:10,186 --> 00:21:11,208
<i>What ya got, Mr. Mans?</i>
342
00:21:11,209 --> 00:21:12,649
<i>I got a lot of money</i>
343
00:21:12,650 --> 00:21:14,568
<i>I don't see no keys in my hands</i>
344
00:21:14,569 --> 00:21:17,418
<i>I just wanna nasty girl</i>
345
00:21:17,419 --> 00:21:18,664
(GRUNTS)
346
00:21:18,665 --> 00:21:20,998
<i>Now tell me, is that nasty girl you?</i>
347
00:21:20,999 --> 00:21:22,216
<i>Do you like what you see?</i>
348
00:21:22,217 --> 00:21:28,583
<i>Could you be my nasty girl
and let me do that dirty dance with you?</i>
349
00:21:28,584 --> 00:21:31,271
<i>I can love you long time</i>
350
00:21:36,936 --> 00:21:39,786
<i>(ALL SHAPES AND SIZES PLAYING)</i>
351
00:21:43,817 --> 00:21:47,591
<i>(SINGING) I like 'em all in shapes and sizes</i>
352
00:21:47,592 --> 00:21:50,791
<i>And it don't make no difference to me</i>
353
00:21:50,984 --> 00:21:55,334
<i>If you're short, tall, big or small
Long if there ain't no big surprises</i>
354
00:21:55,335 --> 00:21:58,154
<i>Chances are you'll suit me to a T</i>
355
00:22:01,222 --> 00:22:04,269
Dad, what did you do with my helmet?
356
00:22:22,341 --> 00:22:29,666
Ian, honey,
I made you some tollhouse cookies.
357
00:22:29,830 --> 00:22:32,843
I'll just leave these here for you.
358
00:22:33,350 --> 00:22:35,338
I'll get them later.
359
00:22:35,493 --> 00:22:38,506
There's $40 in the cow for fun money,
360
00:22:38,788 --> 00:22:42,729
so be safe and sorry I didn't knock.
361
00:22:43,459 --> 00:22:47,236
Anytime. It's your home now.
362
00:22:47,237 --> 00:22:48,259
(THUDS)
363
00:22:48,260 --> 00:22:50,401
KAREN: Oh, dear.
364
00:22:53,315 --> 00:22:54,946
- Dude.
- Hey.
365
00:22:54,947 --> 00:22:58,213
What is going on with you?
You bought rubbers?
366
00:22:58,563 --> 00:23:01,609
- How did you know that?
- It's on Russ Miller's blog.
367
00:23:04,867 --> 00:23:07,014
Jesus! That was, like, 11 minutes ago.
368
00:23:07,015 --> 00:23:09,795
What's the deal? Dude.
369
00:23:09,796 --> 00:23:12,707
IAN: She wants me to meet her tonight
at the Big Boy in Knoxville.
370
00:23:12,708 --> 00:23:14,978
Seriously, dude, pack your shit.
We're going to Knoxville.
371
00:23:14,979 --> 00:23:17,057
No. Stop it. Put these back.
372
00:23:17,058 --> 00:23:18,818
This is the type of girl who has...
373
00:23:18,819 --> 00:23:21,729
She has it shaved into a landing strip.
374
00:23:21,730 --> 00:23:23,136
I can't deal with a landing strip.
375
00:23:23,137 --> 00:23:25,760
Okay, dude, you don't know that. I mean,
she could have anything under there.
376
00:23:25,761 --> 00:23:30,241
There could be a little Hitler
or just a full, nasty Chewbacca.
377
00:23:30,242 --> 00:23:34,017
You know, she doesn't even want me.
She wants him.
378
00:23:34,018 --> 00:23:35,073
(LANCE LAUGHING)
379
00:23:35,074 --> 00:23:38,753
I'm sorry. This is good. This is fine.
380
00:23:38,754 --> 00:23:41,024
I mean, that looks like you. Like the eyes.
381
00:23:41,025 --> 00:23:43,520
Tasty's probably a guy, anyway.
382
00:23:43,521 --> 00:23:46,367
Maybe. But what if she's not?
383
00:23:46,368 --> 00:23:50,398
You know, I mean, look, you've already
opened, and I could help you close.
384
00:23:50,434 --> 00:23:51,841
We just need one thing.
385
00:23:51,842 --> 00:23:53,469
(ENGINE REVVING)
386
00:23:57,057 --> 00:24:01,566
Ian, just look at this.
I mean, you roll up in a '69 GTO,
387
00:24:01,567 --> 00:24:04,158
she's gonna drop an egg right there
in the Big Boy parking lot.
388
00:24:04,159 --> 00:24:06,726
Hey, Ian, come give me a hand with this.
389
00:24:07,070 --> 00:24:10,623
Here. Strap that end down. Tight.
390
00:24:10,624 --> 00:24:14,369
- The cord's too short.
- Put a little sack into it, powder puff.
391
00:24:17,439 --> 00:24:20,161
- All right. Thanks, little brother.
- Yeah.
392
00:24:20,162 --> 00:24:22,083
- Hey, Ian.
- Yeah.
393
00:24:22,143 --> 00:24:24,288
Did I hear something
about you wanting to borrow my car?
394
00:24:24,289 --> 00:24:27,322
No, no, it's fine. Thanks. Thank you.
395
00:24:27,806 --> 00:24:29,698
You sure?
396
00:24:30,336 --> 00:24:33,949
You're my little brother, Ian.
All you gotta do is ask.
397
00:24:35,615 --> 00:24:37,342
Okay.
398
00:24:37,758 --> 00:24:40,797
Could I use The Judge this weekend?
399
00:24:40,798 --> 00:24:41,884
Ow!
400
00:24:41,885 --> 00:24:43,841
(LAUGHING)
401
00:24:44,893 --> 00:24:49,402
Fuck-stick, I wouldn't let you drive
The Judge if it was parked on my shnuts.
402
00:24:52,830 --> 00:24:55,036
- REX: Let's go, Dad.
- What a dick.
403
00:24:55,037 --> 00:24:57,180
You should take his car just on principle.
404
00:24:57,181 --> 00:24:59,100
What do you want me to do, you know?
405
00:24:59,101 --> 00:25:01,692
I mean, I doubt I can hot-wire it,
since I don't even know what that means.
406
00:25:01,693 --> 00:25:03,779
What are you doing?
407
00:25:04,477 --> 00:25:06,366
(LAUGHS)
408
00:25:06,781 --> 00:25:09,755
No. Lance, no! Put it back.
Did you just hear him? Please.
409
00:25:09,756 --> 00:25:12,156
Come here, we're gonna have a talk.
410
00:25:12,157 --> 00:25:13,820
She's only nine short hours away.
411
00:25:13,821 --> 00:25:16,187
We're gonna head down there tonight
and you're gonna pound on that va-J.
412
00:25:16,188 --> 00:25:18,875
Who's gonna pound on it? Say it.
Ian's gonna pound on it.
413
00:25:18,876 --> 00:25:21,498
We're back tomorrow
before Rex even knows the car is gone.
414
00:25:21,499 --> 00:25:24,059
Now, listen, these girls at Madison are
gonna be fucking at a college level.
415
00:25:24,060 --> 00:25:25,179
(GARAGE DOOR OPENING)
416
00:25:25,180 --> 00:25:26,842
I need you ready for that.
417
00:25:26,843 --> 00:25:29,432
Wait! Put it... Put it back.
418
00:25:29,498 --> 00:25:31,225
Back here.
419
00:25:44,219 --> 00:25:48,281
For God's sake. You two rump rangers
couldn't wait five minutes?
420
00:25:49,978 --> 00:25:51,868
(GRUNTS)
421
00:25:54,171 --> 00:25:56,094
(HONKING)
422
00:25:58,650 --> 00:26:00,409
Shit.
423
00:26:15,609 --> 00:26:17,176
- Shit!
- Fuck!
424
00:26:17,177 --> 00:26:20,277
I told her she could stay here this weekend.
425
00:26:20,889 --> 00:26:23,543
What the hell?
Why are you driving Rex's car?
426
00:26:23,544 --> 00:26:25,631
I thought me and...
427
00:26:26,936 --> 00:26:29,559
- Are you bitching out on me?
- No.
428
00:26:29,560 --> 00:26:30,775
- No.
- No.
429
00:26:30,776 --> 00:26:33,687
Good. Well, then where are we going?
430
00:26:33,688 --> 00:26:37,086
Um... Knoxville, Tennessee.
431
00:26:37,913 --> 00:26:39,351
Okay. I'm gonna go tell my mom.
432
00:26:39,352 --> 00:26:43,223
Okay. Are you gonna... Awesome.
433
00:26:43,224 --> 00:26:44,726
Dude, what the fuck?
434
00:26:44,727 --> 00:26:46,550
- I don't want her along.
- Really?
435
00:26:46,551 --> 00:26:48,694
You don't want to bring Yoko
on your sex trip?
436
00:26:48,695 --> 00:26:50,997
Yeah, no shit.
She's always cock-blocking you.
437
00:26:50,998 --> 00:26:53,525
No, she isn't. She doesn't even have a...
438
00:26:53,526 --> 00:26:55,703
Okay, twat blocking.
439
00:26:55,704 --> 00:26:56,822
Professor.
440
00:26:56,823 --> 00:26:57,846
FELICIA'S MOM: When will you
be coming back?
441
00:26:57,847 --> 00:26:59,222
No, tomorrow.
442
00:26:59,223 --> 00:27:02,230
- FELICIA'S MOM: When?
- No. Bye! God.
443
00:27:02,231 --> 00:27:05,013
FELICIA'S MOM: You guys
drive safe now. Bye!
444
00:27:05,014 --> 00:27:07,286
So, what's in Tennessee?
445
00:27:07,287 --> 00:27:10,617
My grandma has got some cancer.
446
00:27:10,710 --> 00:27:12,756
- Grammy K?
- IAN: She's fine.
447
00:27:12,757 --> 00:27:16,371
She's gonna live forever. Well, a long time.
448
00:27:16,919 --> 00:27:18,741
It's, you know... I mean, what is it called?
449
00:27:18,742 --> 00:27:20,789
- It's foot cancer.
- She's got a little foot cancer.
450
00:27:20,790 --> 00:27:23,574
She'll be hopping around in no time.
451
00:27:23,702 --> 00:27:26,260
So what's she doing in Tennessee?
452
00:27:26,261 --> 00:27:30,294
Oh! Um... Well, there's this kick-ass
cancer center there.
453
00:27:30,295 --> 00:27:34,130
- Yeah.
- Yeah, it's like... It's famous.
454
00:27:34,131 --> 00:27:36,722
- Yeah.
- So if you ever get any cancer,
455
00:27:36,723 --> 00:27:41,043
you should totally check it out.
456
00:27:41,044 --> 00:27:42,131
<i>(TIME TO PRETEND PLAYING)</i>
457
00:27:42,132 --> 00:27:43,891
I would.
458
00:27:46,099 --> 00:27:50,903
LANCE: So you want I-80 East and then
65 goes all the way through Indiana.
459
00:27:51,251 --> 00:27:53,618
- So how's it feel?
- IAN: What?
460
00:27:53,619 --> 00:27:58,040
I don't know, breaking the rules,
talking some shit, driving The Judge?
461
00:27:58,548 --> 00:27:59,763
It feels pretty good.
462
00:27:59,764 --> 00:28:01,747
<i>(SINGING) I'm feeling rough, I'm feeling raw</i>
463
00:28:01,748 --> 00:28:04,467
<i>I'm in the prime of my life</i>
464
00:28:08,595 --> 00:28:13,780
<i>Let's make some music, make some money
Find some models for wives</i>
465
00:28:17,489 --> 00:28:22,261
<i>This is our decision
To live fast and die young</i>
466
00:28:22,322 --> 00:28:27,670
<i>We've got the vision
Now let's have some fun</i>
467
00:28:29,361 --> 00:28:32,277
<i>I said, yeah, yeah, yeah</i>
468
00:28:32,497 --> 00:28:34,737
(ENGINE REVVING)
469
00:28:35,665 --> 00:28:37,904
This dude wants to race.
470
00:28:38,864 --> 00:28:40,209
Let's go, ladies.
471
00:28:40,210 --> 00:28:42,865
Lance! Cut it out!
Come on, you don't know who's in there.
472
00:28:42,866 --> 00:28:46,896
Dude, I don't care if fucking Steve McQueen's
zombie corpse is in that car.
473
00:28:46,897 --> 00:28:49,840
I refuse to be embarrassed by a car
that looks like a Trapper Keeper.
474
00:28:49,841 --> 00:28:52,560
I am not racing in my brother's car.
475
00:28:52,848 --> 00:28:55,501
IAN: Holy shit.
476
00:28:55,823 --> 00:28:57,742
What the hell is that?
477
00:28:57,743 --> 00:28:59,502
Whoa!
478
00:28:59,567 --> 00:29:01,616
Looks like a Nachos BellGrande.
479
00:29:01,617 --> 00:29:03,311
And a chalupa!
480
00:29:03,312 --> 00:29:04,687
Medium Coke!
481
00:29:04,688 --> 00:29:05,934
(SCREAMING)
482
00:29:05,935 --> 00:29:07,086
Go right!
483
00:29:07,087 --> 00:29:09,294
FELICIA: Turn the wipers on!
IAN: They are on.
484
00:29:09,295 --> 00:29:10,925
FELICIA: They're not working!
485
00:29:10,926 --> 00:29:14,323
IAN: Please, don't yell at me.
I'm doing the best I can.
486
00:29:14,575 --> 00:29:16,014
- Winnebago!
- IAN: Where?
487
00:29:16,015 --> 00:29:17,133
Winnebago! Winnebago!
488
00:29:17,134 --> 00:29:19,340
(SCREECHING)
489
00:29:20,654 --> 00:29:22,862
(GASPING)
490
00:29:25,008 --> 00:29:26,318
Oh, my God, are you all right?
491
00:29:26,319 --> 00:29:28,275
(LAUGHING)
492
00:29:31,758 --> 00:29:35,372
Yeah, nobody offer to help.
I got this under control.
493
00:29:36,205 --> 00:29:38,194
(SNIFFLES)
494
00:29:42,092 --> 00:29:46,766
- Are you all right?
- Do I look like I'm all right? Fuck!
495
00:29:48,302 --> 00:29:53,651
You know what might make you feel better?
Putting 40 on pump two.
496
00:30:07,437 --> 00:30:09,065
Hey.
497
00:30:12,300 --> 00:30:16,809
- Another one for the collection.
- Aw! Cool. Thanks.
498
00:30:18,763 --> 00:30:20,490
What?
499
00:30:23,530 --> 00:30:25,098
(SOBBING)
500
00:30:25,099 --> 00:30:28,234
It's okay, Brandy. It's okay, baby, don't cry.
501
00:30:28,235 --> 00:30:29,930
Lance, what are you doing?
502
00:30:29,931 --> 00:30:31,850
Dude, you should be ashamed of yourself,
503
00:30:31,851 --> 00:30:36,202
because I'm just trying to show
another human being a little compassion.
504
00:30:36,203 --> 00:30:38,224
And my dick.
505
00:30:40,266 --> 00:30:42,222
(LANCE LAUGHING)
506
00:30:44,617 --> 00:30:46,442
What have you got?
507
00:30:46,443 --> 00:30:49,456
Hey, kid, where you from?
508
00:30:50,154 --> 00:30:55,404
- I'm from Chicago, I mean, outside Chicago.
- Are you two married. No?
509
00:30:56,106 --> 00:31:02,247
<i>- No, we're just friends. We're amigos.
- Oh! You make a good couple.</i>
510
00:31:02,248 --> 00:31:05,543
She's pretty. Marry that girl.
511
00:31:05,544 --> 00:31:08,942
You kids want to help yourself
to a can of Purple?
512
00:31:09,001 --> 00:31:13,476
- Purple sounds great, Ian. Purple?
- Yeah, I can go...
513
00:31:15,592 --> 00:31:19,079
- You ever had a peppermint fatty?
- No. Let's have that.
514
00:31:19,080 --> 00:31:21,582
See how that shoe fits.
515
00:31:22,599 --> 00:31:24,262
(LAUGHS)
516
00:31:24,263 --> 00:31:26,852
That is curiously strong.
517
00:31:27,433 --> 00:31:30,023
I feel like my dick just got bar mitzvahed.
518
00:31:30,024 --> 00:31:32,455
It actually says Purple Soda.
519
00:31:32,456 --> 00:31:34,924
(LANCE EXCLAIMING)
520
00:31:36,999 --> 00:31:39,565
BRANDY: Bad boy.
521
00:31:43,398 --> 00:31:45,703
You like him, don't you?
522
00:31:48,327 --> 00:31:52,645
- What? Who?
- Lance. I mean, he's the crush, right?
523
00:31:52,646 --> 00:31:57,317
Oh, yeah! I like Lance, 'cause he's so hot.
524
00:31:57,318 --> 00:32:01,707
I wanna have his baby, he's... Whatever.
525
00:32:02,086 --> 00:32:04,391
(TIRES SCREECHING)
526
00:32:04,645 --> 00:32:07,555
RICK: Brandy!
FELICIA: Uh-oh!
527
00:32:07,556 --> 00:32:11,139
Brandy! Shit.
528
00:32:13,317 --> 00:32:15,236
- Howdy.
- Howdy.
529
00:32:15,237 --> 00:32:20,291
Mr. McBroom. Ma'am.
Where the fuck's Brandy at?
530
00:32:20,292 --> 00:32:22,564
(BRANDY GIGGLING)
531
00:32:28,611 --> 00:32:34,660
- You ever hear of a rolling brown-out?
- No. Let's try it.
532
00:32:36,867 --> 00:32:40,963
Wait, brown? No, no, nothing brown!
Nothing brown! Nothing brown!
533
00:32:40,964 --> 00:32:43,522
What're you gonna do? Hit a girl?
534
00:32:43,523 --> 00:32:47,586
No, but I'm gonna
pummel his ass real good.
535
00:32:47,587 --> 00:32:50,535
There you go. There you go.
536
00:32:51,012 --> 00:32:54,506
Brandy! Come on, baby!
Open the God damn door!
537
00:33:00,258 --> 00:33:04,225
All right, this is not what it looks like.
It was a project for school.
538
00:33:04,226 --> 00:33:05,408
Purple Soda!
539
00:33:05,409 --> 00:33:07,037
(SODA CAN HISSING)
540
00:33:11,233 --> 00:33:13,124
(RICK GRUNTING)
541
00:33:14,178 --> 00:33:16,003
Wiener!
542
00:33:18,978 --> 00:33:20,671
Ow!
543
00:33:30,688 --> 00:33:32,798
There you are.
544
00:33:34,274 --> 00:33:37,767
Come on, come on.
I do not want to die naked.
545
00:33:39,872 --> 00:33:41,697
(LAUGHING)
546
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:47,970
Fuck you! Motherfucking son of a bitch!
547
00:33:54,912 --> 00:33:59,039
Get on your feet, you motherfucking pussy!
548
00:34:00,639 --> 00:34:02,725
Hey, hold on!
549
00:34:03,647 --> 00:34:04,894
Come on, man, she's not worth it.
550
00:34:04,895 --> 00:34:07,549
She's just gonna shit all over you.
Trust me.
551
00:34:07,550 --> 00:34:10,596
Eat bat, dickhead!
552
00:34:11,454 --> 00:34:13,245
Holy shit!
553
00:34:13,246 --> 00:34:14,847
(LAUGHS)
554
00:34:14,848 --> 00:34:16,031
Ian just killed that guy.
555
00:34:16,032 --> 00:34:18,142
Sir? Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
Are you all right?
556
00:34:18,143 --> 00:34:21,405
Look, I have my insurance card.
I'm sorry. We're from out of town.
557
00:34:21,406 --> 00:34:24,828
I couldn't see you through the corn.
I'm sorry.
558
00:34:24,829 --> 00:34:27,265
(LANCE LAUGHING)
559
00:34:28,189 --> 00:34:30,396
IAN: Where the hell's the road?
FELICIA: It feels like left.
560
00:34:30,397 --> 00:34:31,580
IAN: I told you we didn't have time for this,
561
00:34:31,581 --> 00:34:33,819
- but all you care about is your stupid dick.
- Ian.
562
00:34:33,820 --> 00:34:35,519
And you leave us out there
with her mom's weird soda.
563
00:34:35,520 --> 00:34:37,853
- Ian.
- And her dad's balls in plain view...
564
00:34:37,854 --> 00:34:39,039
Ian, Ian, whip a shitty!
565
00:34:39,040 --> 00:34:41,092
RICK: Motherfucker!
566
00:34:44,508 --> 00:34:46,683
(ALL SCREAMING)
567
00:34:49,532 --> 00:34:50,619
(WHOOPING)
568
00:34:50,620 --> 00:34:53,851
Holy fucking shit! That's how you do that!
569
00:34:53,852 --> 00:34:57,756
Oh, my God, Ian, amazing driving.
Lance, you suck!
570
00:34:57,757 --> 00:35:00,028
FELICIA: Where the hell are we?
IAN: Where are the Google maps?
571
00:35:00,029 --> 00:35:03,035
- They're in my pants.
- Which are?
572
00:35:03,036 --> 00:35:05,438
In the trailer.
573
00:35:06,363 --> 00:35:09,114
Mmm-hmm. Great.
574
00:35:09,115 --> 00:35:13,885
Shit. I got gum in my bush.
575
00:35:16,892 --> 00:35:19,227
Hey, pick this guy up. Maybe he can
show us back to the highway.
576
00:35:19,228 --> 00:35:21,817
- Ian, do not pick up a hitchhiker.
- Don't worry, I won't.
577
00:35:21,818 --> 00:35:24,024
(ENGINE CHOKING)
578
00:35:24,218 --> 00:35:26,621
No, no, no.
579
00:35:27,162 --> 00:35:29,665
Oh, my God.
580
00:35:31,130 --> 00:35:35,385
Hey! Thanks for the lift, man.
I've been out there for hours.
581
00:35:35,386 --> 00:35:37,080
Not one car. Can you believe it?
582
00:35:37,081 --> 00:35:39,674
- Listen, sir, we didn't...
- You're good people.
583
00:35:39,675 --> 00:35:43,321
- Guy, you're not wearing any pants.
- Yeah, I know.
584
00:35:43,322 --> 00:35:45,311
Right on.
585
00:35:51,609 --> 00:35:56,313
I got nothing. There's no bars.
You know, it probably just needs water.
586
00:35:56,314 --> 00:35:57,942
Got any in the trunk?
587
00:35:57,943 --> 00:36:00,504
Hey, sweetheart, men are talking.
We got this one.
588
00:36:00,505 --> 00:36:03,450
Yeah, thanks,
but this happened to my brother's car once
589
00:36:03,451 --> 00:36:06,327
- and you just piss in the radiator.
- Really?
590
00:36:06,328 --> 00:36:08,534
FELICIA: Yeah.
591
00:36:08,951 --> 00:36:11,095
Oh, God! Damn it!
592
00:36:11,096 --> 00:36:12,375
(GROANING)
593
00:36:12,376 --> 00:36:14,327
- Are you okay?
- Fuck. Yeah.
594
00:36:14,328 --> 00:36:16,632
LANCE: That's a lesson learned.
595
00:36:18,487 --> 00:36:20,344
You can watch,
if you're into that kind of thing.
596
00:36:20,345 --> 00:36:23,703
Oh, wow, thanks, but I think we've all seen
your dick enough for one day.
597
00:36:23,704 --> 00:36:28,406
- IAN: Do you hear that? There's a ringing.
- Your loss. It's like razor blades.
598
00:36:28,407 --> 00:36:33,077
IAN: What? There's ants down here. FYI.
599
00:36:33,078 --> 00:36:38,329
All right, you're up. Grip it and rip it.
600
00:36:38,357 --> 00:36:41,878
Okay. Go away.
601
00:36:41,879 --> 00:36:46,551
Dude, seriously? Still?
I thought you got over this shit.
602
00:36:47,349 --> 00:36:49,435
You're a grown man.
603
00:36:55,830 --> 00:36:59,252
(WHISPERING) Flowing river, gentle stream.
Flowing river, gentle stream.
604
00:36:59,253 --> 00:37:02,677
- Yo, stage fright, how're we doing?
- Damn it, Lance, just give me a minute.
605
00:37:02,678 --> 00:37:04,884
(LANCE LAUGHING)
606
00:37:04,885 --> 00:37:09,716
Excuse me.
We kind of need you to pee in the radiator.
607
00:37:09,717 --> 00:37:13,396
- Why?
- We just do.
608
00:37:15,124 --> 00:37:18,673
Our new friend's got nothing left
in the tank.
609
00:37:22,293 --> 00:37:23,475
What?
610
00:37:23,476 --> 00:37:26,392
<i>(CHRISTIAN ROCK PLAYING ON STEREO)</i>
611
00:37:28,916 --> 00:37:31,482
You kids need some help?
612
00:37:37,395 --> 00:37:39,056
Hi.
613
00:37:44,436 --> 00:37:45,554
Are you okay?
614
00:37:45,555 --> 00:37:48,978
Oh, yeah, I'm great.
I just beaved a family of four.
615
00:37:48,979 --> 00:37:50,036
(LANCE LAUGHING)
616
00:37:50,037 --> 00:37:51,827
Try it.
617
00:37:52,946 --> 00:37:55,218
(ENGINE STARTING)
618
00:37:56,082 --> 00:37:57,265
All set?
619
00:37:57,266 --> 00:38:00,662
Look, I'm sorry, sir,
but we can't give you a ride.
620
00:38:02,001 --> 00:38:04,082
I'm gonna say this once.
621
00:38:04,083 --> 00:38:08,433
You unlock this fucking car,
or God is my witness,
622
00:38:08,434 --> 00:38:10,576
I'll stake you all to the ground,
623
00:38:10,577 --> 00:38:14,388
cut you open and let the dogs get at you.
624
00:38:15,154 --> 00:38:16,782
Oh, yeah?
625
00:38:18,800 --> 00:38:21,585
Bye-bye.
626
00:38:22,416 --> 00:38:24,557
(ENGINE SPUTTERING)
627
00:38:31,536 --> 00:38:35,477
- Here's that pee you ordered.
- Roll them up.
628
00:38:36,016 --> 00:38:39,854
- There you go, Tex.
- FELICIA: You're soaked with pee.
629
00:38:39,855 --> 00:38:41,422
Quick car wash?
630
00:38:41,423 --> 00:38:43,821
- God!
- FELICIA: Gross.
631
00:38:43,822 --> 00:38:47,951
It smells like Halloween. Fuck.
632
00:38:48,400 --> 00:38:50,382
IAN: How can nobody go down a road
for an hour and a half?
633
00:38:50,383 --> 00:38:52,206
Why did they even make this stupid road?
634
00:38:52,207 --> 00:38:54,221
FELICIA: It's so hot out here.
635
00:38:54,222 --> 00:38:56,397
Ow!
636
00:38:57,583 --> 00:38:58,765
(LAUGHING)
637
00:38:58,766 --> 00:39:03,373
Oh, my God, your head.
Wait... Does it hurt? Let me see.
638
00:39:03,374 --> 00:39:06,028
Yes. It hurts.
639
00:39:07,535 --> 00:39:11,510
- What is that?
- Oh, my God.
640
00:39:14,254 --> 00:39:15,882
IAN: Wow.
641
00:39:27,340 --> 00:39:30,443
That is so beautiful.
642
00:39:38,349 --> 00:39:39,468
Need some help?
643
00:39:39,469 --> 00:39:40,780
(LAUGHS)
644
00:39:40,781 --> 00:39:45,675
- Yeah, but no offense...
- Oh, right, 'cause I'm Amish,
645
00:39:45,676 --> 00:39:48,812
so I wouldn't know anything
about your '69 GTO Judge.
646
00:39:48,813 --> 00:39:52,491
455 Big Block, Ram Air. 4-11 posi,
something like that.
647
00:39:52,492 --> 00:39:55,467
Weird, that thing must have fallen
straight from space.
648
00:39:55,468 --> 00:39:58,732
Well, good luck with the future ride,
spaceman.
649
00:40:00,651 --> 00:40:03,114
Hey, dude, wait up. Hold on.
650
00:40:03,115 --> 00:40:04,265
IAN: Wow!
651
00:40:04,266 --> 00:40:05,321
FELICIA: Okay.
652
00:40:05,322 --> 00:40:09,610
What are you doing? Whoa, whoa.
No, no, no. Leesh, that's a bad idea.
653
00:40:09,611 --> 00:40:10,794
- What?
- Come on.
654
00:40:10,795 --> 00:40:13,324
You don't know how far we have to walk.
Those are your only pair of shoes.
655
00:40:13,325 --> 00:40:16,585
You know what? You're probably right.
God, you're so sensible.
656
00:40:16,586 --> 00:40:19,209
But maybe I should? Or maybe I shouldn't?
657
00:40:19,210 --> 00:40:21,134
I should.
658
00:40:23,050 --> 00:40:24,552
I can't believe you just did that.
659
00:40:24,553 --> 00:40:27,721
- All right. Now you.
- No way. Forget it.
660
00:40:27,722 --> 00:40:30,218
Dude, you never do anything crazy. Ever.
661
00:40:30,219 --> 00:40:33,290
Hey! I'm driving halfway across the country
to go to...
662
00:40:33,291 --> 00:40:36,776
To visit your grandma? Whoa!
663
00:40:36,777 --> 00:40:39,816
So he met this chick on the Internet,
which is sketchy.
664
00:40:39,817 --> 00:40:41,640
The Internet?
665
00:40:41,641 --> 00:40:45,831
Yeah, it's like a series of computers
that are connected through...
666
00:40:45,832 --> 00:40:47,788
Computers?
667
00:40:49,192 --> 00:40:52,456
A computer's like a big calculator,
you know, with a screen.
668
00:40:52,457 --> 00:40:54,696
I'm just busting your balls, man.
I know what the Internet is.
669
00:40:54,697 --> 00:40:57,416
(BOTH LAUGHING)
670
00:40:57,448 --> 00:40:59,495
- Okay.
- You ever heard of Rumspringa?
671
00:40:59,496 --> 00:41:01,832
Yeah, that ska band from Delaware.
672
00:41:01,833 --> 00:41:05,959
No, it means "run wild. " It's an Amish
tradition where when we turn 16,
673
00:41:05,960 --> 00:41:08,454
we can go live like you heathens
for a while.
674
00:41:08,455 --> 00:41:13,479
You go nuts, party for months or years
till your folks start hassling you,
675
00:41:13,480 --> 00:41:15,911
and then it's back to the Stone Age.
676
00:41:15,912 --> 00:41:17,862
But if you're on Rumspringa,
what's with the buggy?
677
00:41:17,863 --> 00:41:20,647
Oh, no, I'm not. Not anymore.
678
00:41:20,903 --> 00:41:23,429
I probably shouldn't even be
talking to you, but...
679
00:41:23,430 --> 00:41:26,149
I'm a little bit of an Amish floutlaw.
680
00:41:26,150 --> 00:41:29,572
- Sometimes I just miss the world.
- What do you miss the most?
681
00:41:29,573 --> 00:41:32,548
You know, I miss sarcasm.
It's mostly lost on my people.
682
00:41:32,549 --> 00:41:33,606
Oh.
683
00:41:33,607 --> 00:41:40,199
And gambling. Went to Vegas once.
And butt fucking.
684
00:41:40,774 --> 00:41:44,805
- Got a lot of nice memories there.
- I hear that.
685
00:41:44,806 --> 00:41:46,500
IAN: You know, when you cut your foot on
a piece of glass,
686
00:41:46,501 --> 00:41:48,900
- don't think I'm gonna carry you.
- You know what? I will be fine. Okay?
687
00:41:48,901 --> 00:41:53,670
- I was born barefoot.
- Hey! Wait!
688
00:41:53,671 --> 00:41:57,284
Hey! Stop!
689
00:42:00,165 --> 00:42:02,754
Have a nice walk, shit-birds.
690
00:42:04,996 --> 00:42:07,235
BOTH: Oh!
691
00:42:09,859 --> 00:42:12,450
Hey, Ian, Felicia, this is my boy, Ezekiel.
692
00:42:12,451 --> 00:42:14,758
What up, English?
693
00:42:22,659 --> 00:42:24,738
There's no service out here.
694
00:42:24,739 --> 00:42:27,715
- I can't even tell her I'll be late.
- Good. That's perfect. Keep her waiting.
695
00:42:27,716 --> 00:42:28,802
You don't want to come off as desperate.
696
00:42:28,803 --> 00:42:29,858
(SCOFFS)
697
00:42:29,859 --> 00:42:32,770
I'm driving nine hours.
How am I not coming off desperate?
698
00:42:32,771 --> 00:42:37,282
- We had shit to do.
- Uh-oh! See that creamy stuff?
699
00:42:37,283 --> 00:42:40,003
You blew your head gasket.
That's not good.
700
00:42:40,004 --> 00:42:42,498
- Shit.
- Don't cry. We can fix it.
701
00:42:42,499 --> 00:42:44,609
- Really?
- Yeah, really. We're good at it.
702
00:42:44,610 --> 00:42:46,145
- Yeah?
- Yeah. I didn't mean to undersell it,
703
00:42:46,146 --> 00:42:47,297
but it's an impressive thing.
704
00:42:47,298 --> 00:42:49,121
- Yeah. We'll fix it.
- Wow, that'd be cool.
705
00:42:49,122 --> 00:42:53,248
Yeah, would be cool, wouldn't it?
I might be the coolest guy you ever met.
706
00:42:53,249 --> 00:42:55,105
- Wow.
- Wow.
707
00:42:55,393 --> 00:42:56,993
- Thank you.
- Yeah. You're welcome.
708
00:42:56,994 --> 00:42:59,553
That's what you say
when people do nice things for you.
709
00:42:59,554 --> 00:43:01,600
You know, there's a pretty big shindig
shaping up next door
710
00:43:01,601 --> 00:43:04,576
if you guys want to hang there
while we work on it.
711
00:43:04,577 --> 00:43:07,646
Take it easy while we do all this for you.
712
00:43:09,825 --> 00:43:13,852
- Does he have an attitude?
- No, he's fucking with you.
713
00:43:14,016 --> 00:43:15,644
Okay.
714
00:43:16,448 --> 00:43:20,192
Just relax, man.
I got a good feeling about this, you know.
715
00:43:20,193 --> 00:43:21,632
You're gonna party with the Amish.
716
00:43:21,633 --> 00:43:25,247
Yeah, I'm sure it's gonna be
one kick-ass quilting bee.
717
00:43:27,424 --> 00:43:28,926
What's up, man?
718
00:43:28,927 --> 00:43:33,917
- Hey.
- No f-ing way!
719
00:43:33,918 --> 00:43:35,580
<i>(FAME < INFAMY PLAYING)</i>
720
00:43:36,383 --> 00:43:40,380
<i>(SINGING) When I'm home alone
I just can't stop myself</i>
721
00:43:41,151 --> 00:43:44,318
- This is insane!
- I know.
722
00:43:44,351 --> 00:43:45,982
(WHOOPING)
723
00:43:45,983 --> 00:43:52,509
<i>Signing off, " I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen"...</i>
724
00:43:52,510 --> 00:43:57,978
<i>I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen...</i>
725
00:43:58,013 --> 00:44:03,421
<i>I'm all right in bed,
but I'm better with a pen...</i>
726
00:44:03,422 --> 00:44:09,316
<i>The kid was all right,
but it went to his h
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