My mom is sometimes astonished ( is That THE word i'm looking for???)of who my best friend is... Because my best friend (Sam (she's a girl :D)) And i don't have Many commen intrests anymore... And an other really good friend(Katy) And i are almost THE Same (inside... Totally not outside xP she's waaaaayy thiner) But from my perspective who your number 1 friend is And stuff Like That doesn't depend on how Much u have incommen (it can help getting friendship started) but about THE bond u have And what u've been through together... Because Sam means sooooooooo Much to me And That is because of our bond, which is really strong because we've been through so Much together... I'd do anything for her... While Katy And i have a really good bond 2 (she's number to on THE list) i'd do Much for her... But not something That could endanger sam's life.... Maybe i'm just really loyal... It could be because when u look at my sister (yes i have à sister, if u saw us you wouldn't think so, we're different on THE inside And outside) her best friend is THE one with whom she hangs out with THE most at That moment... I just don't see That as true best friendness... To me best friend means you're loyal to That person... And Depending on how strong THE bond is is THE strenght That is needed to " break it" or make someone else take That place...
But Like i said... Maybe it's just me...
Death is always a happy ending or a bad ending...
Explenation:
Death is an ending... If it's happy or bad depends mostly on your experiences... If mostly happy things have happened And you haven't experiences something to bad it's a happy ending. When Many bad things are happening to you And THE only way to escape is death it depends... You can see it as a happy ending because it finally ended, but THE things u leave behind also have impact on your ending... If someone can't live without you you created à bad ending... And That might make your ending bad... Your ending can be happy to if you've had Much shit in your life because if in THE period before your death enough good things have happened you'll sooner apreciate it... And your ending Will sooner become good...
I hope That there are as Much happy endings as possible, And no bad... Because dieing happy seems better then dieing unhappy...
Sometimes when you've worn a mask long enough you start beleaving it yourself... But you'll notice your emotionaller... And there are songs That can get trough...
And now i've found a song that discribes my feelings better then i could ever do... It's Able to take my mask of for ÃÂ moment... And it makes me see That i'm not ok or good Like I've always pretented And lately thought i was... It shows me how scared, alone, Sad i am... It also makes me cry and shake a little... And no song has done this to me before... Every 1 has his or her song That can help him or her or make him/ her see...
Mine is intoxicated... A song by Mika...
Sometimes when you've worn a mask long enough you start beleaving it yourself... But you'll notice your emotionaller... And there are songs That can get trough...
And now i've found a song that discribes my feelings better then i could ever do... It's Able to take my mask of for à moment... And it makes me see That i'm not ok or good Like I've always pretented And lately thought i was... It shows me how scared, alone, Sad i am... It also makes me cry and shake a little... And no song has done this to me before... Every 1 has his or her song That can help him or her or make him/ her see...
Mine is intoxicated... A
Ok... So i think that it would be smart to start with telling Every one who's reading what has already happened...
Around grade 5 my best friend (i'm going to call her Sam On here) was on à birthday party And she had a headache so she lied down on a bed in an empty bedroom... Then her uncle came in and sexually assaulted her... (she told me and her parents this in 6th grade...) everything went ok until grade 7... in that year her lIfe became harder... She got a boyfriend (let's Call him Tom) who was suicidle (or is i haven't talies with him since they broke up...) And she got a new friend (Lily) who was also suicidle... She told me, Lily And Tom That she was suicidle And That she was sexually assaulted once (Tom And Lily didn't know this yet...) Then it was easier for me to handle... Cause she told me why she didn't want to do it... And back then Those bonds were strong enough... Then we entered 8th grade... That's when she told me That a man tried to rape her That summer... Stuff became worse And she came in an institution... It became even worse... One time it was so bad that if i hadn't talked with her on my home on the phone (me on my bike she in THE train) she would've committed suicide by jumping in front of a train... That made me scared all the time cause what if i wasn't there when she was in sutch a bad state... Then next year we weren't in the Same class any more (she in 8 And i in 9) This is the year That she told me That her dad assaulted her sister when she was 4 ( she wasn't hitten because she got really scared when he yelled at her and that's what he wanted... Making them scared...) this was also the year That she And her boyfriend broke up... And after they had broken up he tried to get her to bed with him... In ( what for me is 10th grade, so now) she was sent home... Now she hasn't been really eating for 3 weeks because she keeps throwing up when she had eaten... And once she could barely stand up and she then had to ride her bike home...( which is about 5.5 Miles) not to long after That she had a mental atack(she was shacking really hard And was brought to a hospital... (she also sleepschip about 30 minutes à Night) this is when her parents found out... But nothing changed... She was still not eating And she still had to ride her bike to school... Since a few days she also is mentally tired... She has to cry almost all THE time... Seeing her when she is a "zombie" And seeing her cry makes me even more scared And makes me cry... But i don't want her to know hos Much it is hurting me... Because i'm scared she Will stop telling me how she is... And i'm Also scared That it might make her commit suicide cause she's also losing some bonds And THE pain is growing Every second... And not That long ago she told me THE only thought on her mind... And that's suicide...
Last week one trust person (of however a person Like That is called) talked with 4 friends of Sam... On 1 Side i'm glad she forgot me, on THE other i want to release some of THE sadness I've been locking up inside me... Now i'm doubting a choice i made in THE past... Sam had Told me in 8th grade That if people knew she was suicidle she would go in à closed institution ( i hope i'm using THE right word) back then it seemed worse cause it became worse when she came in her first 1... But now it seems better cause That might've protected her from all this shit... And if she commits suicide i might've been Able to prevent it...
I would rather lose our friendship then her... I would die to make her pain even a bit smaller ( or do anything else... Cause living can be harder then death...)
- Girl In Pain
( i'm writing this anonimous because i don't want people to know this about me... And because it might hurt her if people here knew... Srry for random BIG letters... Phone thinks it's smarter then me)
