Right now, I'm so angry. This life demands so much of me. I'm made to deal with so much while dealing with these demands. I don't have that one person I can go to & rest my head on her shoulder for comfort helping me deal with this madness, all this insane shit that has assaulted me all my life! I've put so much energy in trying to establish a strong foundation of friends... I end up with none. I'm not receiving any mail because I trusted my heart. I'm very angry with myself. I just want to be like other people who have someone concerned about them, to try & help them from losing their mind by showing that person they care. I'm so upset with what's happening in my life until I can't think straight.
Lockdown is over now. Even the thought of this is causing me some stress. Why? Because of the stuff I wasn't able to keep. I've written to my niece & sister asking them to pick up this property but they haven't replied. I wrote to my niece twice, she's aware I only have 60 days before I'll lose the property, yet I haven't heard from her nor my sister.
I read an article about a woman spending 32 years on death row. I guess I'm not the only innocent person on death row. Reading this article explains many innocent people are sitting in prison, without one person that believes in that person's innocence, that individual will be sitting in prison for a long time.
Then there are also the financial problems. The way these people are raising the prices, it's difficult to get what I need. That's why I desperately need someone involved in my life to help me organize & discuss matters I'm trying to put together. No one else is involved in my life, people enter & leave...

04-07-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine  

Summer has kicked in Hot Drive on this end, it was as hot as hell when I was outside the other day. I ran about 35 minutes in the heat and I was just fine the whole time I was running. Once I stopped it got hotter, there weren't any trees to sit under on the outside yard. I survived, don't worry. The guy in the other yard said: "Old man, if you pass out, there's nothing I can do for you over there". "That's why I'm doing what I do making sure I keep my body healthy", I told him.
I've gained some weight I'm trying to get rid of, I just need to continue doing what I'm doing, everything is going just fine. A few guys have come to me wanting to join in, wishing to work out with me. One guy is 42 years old, very fat, he said he allowed his weight to get out of control trying to deal with his death sentence, the thought of it took a lot out of him. Said he had stopped caring about how he looked. Said he'd been watching me every time I came to the dayroom & worked out, kept telling himself he was going to do it too but never did.
The other day I called him out to work out with me. To my surprise he gave me what he was able to do, which I thought was good, since this guy weighs over 300 pounds! The other guy is the youngest, he asked to work out with me because he wants to get in better shape than he is now. I don't mind, with him working out with me on days when I don't feel like doing my complete work out, he's there pushing me forward... & he doesn't even know it.
This is what I need: caring people pushing me forward. To be honest, I don't have people interested in my life.
I need someone involved in my life pushing me to provide them with a better understanding of my case. I'm getting tired of watching years pass me by, it feels like I can't get any closer to witness things develop with my case.
I'm just sitting here growing old dealing with situations created by prison officials, guards & these stupid ass inmates...This isn't what I want!
While working on my book I realize I'm staring at my past, present & future. I wonder how I'm going to put everything in order. Trying to organize all of this demands so much of me but this work also allows me to see a clear picture of events in my life. My parents were teenagers growing up in the '50s, then trying to raise children in the '60s, I realize now. How can kids raise kids while the mother is being abused & the children neglected? No good can come of this! Understanding this now explains so much to me...
I'm going to call this book 'Used'. I'm sitting on death row because someone took advantage of me & it has continued as I try to raise money to help myself. Those I've trusted feed off the misery of my innocence like parasites...not caring that I'm suffering from some traumatic shit!
Do yoy get it? All the stuff happened by the people I trusted: my parents, friends & those I open the door of my life to. I had to battle with the affect of dealing with knowing I meant nothing, just an object someone used for their benefit & all these years alone without my family... knowing I was just used. It's hard sharing this but it's the truth.
On the other hand, there's an advantage too: my typing has improved. Working on this book has a lot to do with this. I sit at this damn thing 5/6 hours a day, my ass be killing me from sitting in one spot for so long, sometimes my back too...
On June 12, we had to go without water. It was cut off about 4 o'clock in the morning. I'm not sure what the problem was. When I asked the guard, all he said was that it would be turned onat 4 a.m., they were told it would be off for 24 hours. No one took a shower because of the water. When I discovered the water would be turned off, I filled as many containers as I could with water, so after I worked out in the dayroom I took a wash-off once I returned to this cage.
I haven't been receiving any mail lately and for the first time this doesn't disturb me because I realize if someone isn't putting in the time to write I don't mean anything to them...

20-06-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine  

08-06-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine  

On May 6 lockdown began. It wasn't a surprise to anyone. After every 90 days we're all waiting on it now. Prison officials came with crates for us to place our property in. No one was expecting this. I had to throw away a lot of stuff & send home some books I haven't read.
This year there are new officials in charge, they're the reason why all property was to be placed into a crate & whatever isn't able to fit inside the crate, I have to send out or destroy. The stories I could tell about the property that is supposed to be destroyed but never is! So this is just their system of taking prisoners' property by using the rules. Death row prisoners aren't like population prisoners. Both are under 2 different sets of rules, yet prison officials have the same mentality: what's good for one is good for the other.
Anyway, it's over now, I don't have to worry about people going through my property saying "You have too much stuff, Wheatfall", no shit, I live in a small cage with no shelves & a small area to place my commissary & books...Where else am I going to place my stuff?

23-05-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine  

Like always, I'm surviving. Hot water? Yes, I'm now able to shower in hot water after showering in cold water for 2 months. Roster count? Is now done at 10:40. Some of the guards try to make it as late as possible just to disturb someone's sleep. These are the guards who act like children, as if they're receiving some kind of sick joy by disrupting someone's sleep at 11:40 or 12 o'clock. This is why they like starting later than 10:40. This place is nothing more than people exciting their twisted pleasures, starting with ranking officials. I've witnessed officials treating these guards less than children, as if they're nothing more than ignorant individuals...as if they're mindless children who need to be told what to do. Many act like this for these reasons, if they're not told what to do, they're not doing a damn thing.
This is the part where I can't get my rec or shower & when I'm fed the food is cold, this is the part where I'm left inside the shower for over an hour or the guard is trying to deny my tray because he/she doesn't want to give it to me anyway...not because I did anything, just because they don't want to. Many prisoners stop going to rec & shower because they don't have to deal with the guards this way - the stories I could share...

04-04-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine  

To be honest, I'm tired. I'm trying so hard to do what I can from this cage to help myself, trying to address so many matters - at times, I feel like I'm losing my mind. It does feel hopeless, not because my situation is hopeless, it's not, we just don't have the resources needed to help me...this is what my situation comes down to.
After all these years things should have gotten better, why haven't more people gotten involved?
I'm sitting on death row until I get sick of living & kill myself or maybe hurt someone or someone hurts me, which is what the officials would like to happen.
I continue to ask myself how I have been able to hold onto my sanity this long. I'm just waking up & moving through the day, praying that my time will come so I continue to move forward.

21-03-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine  

There are days when I don't feel like moving forward, too emotionally tired, depressed & psychologically exhausted dealing with my living & legal situation, just not sure things will get better.
I really need an investigator to gather the information which supports how my trial attorney was ineffective!
Have I shared the visit I had with my brothers & sister? They came to see me Feb.2, which is the same day my cage was searched! I was able to get out of this cage & take my mind off the mess I had to re-organize once I returned . Over the years I've learned to live in the moment. They always asked questions about my situation, which I explained, but I know once they're outside beyond these walls, everything I've explained to them is quickly forgotten...and they'll ask the same question the next time I see them. They're not able to help me, I don't take it personally, they could do a much better job providing moral support. I've learned to accept things as they come concerning my family.
Do you recall, when I told you about the guards waking up prisoners at 2 a.m. ordering us to get out of bed & come to the door? They're now doing their roster count at 10:40. What made them change? I can only assume many complaints from prisoners. Anyway, we have now been made to shower inside a shower that only has cold water. many of us have complained. That's the only thing that's happening - we complain and the ranking officers say "I'll take a look, we'll get someone on it", but nothing changes. It has got worse since this new major took over. So much attention is focused on teaching prisoners who run the show, they forget all about teaching the guards! They're supposed to do their jobs as well, which they're not doing. It's becoming very difficult, just to get a shower that only puts out cold water, however, once I'm placed in the shower, it takes 45 minutes to an hour before I'm taken out, sometimes longer than this. Yes, this upsets me. All I can think about this: what have I done to deserve this madness? If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm a very happy person, ain't I? 

28-02-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine  

Some kind of bug has been causing prisoners all around me to get sick. I was aware of this bug going around long before it hit me. Once it did, I had what I needed to fight it off so it didn''t affect me that bad.
This unit went on 'lockdown' Jan.28. We're not eating out of brown paper bags this time because population prisoners isn't lockdown, this is why we're receiving hot meals.
A sergeant entered the section I'm housed on to explain what was going to take place during the search on jan.31. He wanted everyone ready to be pulled out & all our property packed up. Everyone knew this because we were informed the night before to have our property packed & ready, anyway, everyone was expecting to be pulled out & our property searched. When the sergeant returned he informed the section that no one would be searched because they were going to do another pod...this is B.S.! All my stuff was packed up & ready, so I had to sit around waiting on these people, a whole day had been thrown away! Do you want to know why they ran to search another pod? Because the pod they went to search only had 67 prisoners housed on it, the pod I'm housed on has 81 prisoners... It's easier for them to end the last day of their work doing the 67, sorry ass people.
When it was over, I returned to find my property looking as if it had been thrown all over this cage! It took me 2 days to organize everything. They went through all of my legal work, I could tell they had been reading it by the way it had been placed. They aren't supposed to do this, but if I'm in a shower on another section, there's nothing I can do about it or prove that they were doing it. After dealing with this, I jumped into bed once I had this cage clean & in order. It was about 1:25 a.m. when I closed my eyes. At 2:18 a.m. I was awakened by guards telling me to get out of my bed & come to the door for roster count - I have to get up & come to the door so this man can see me. Can you believe this? These people are going out of their way to create situattions so they have something to do. This is the kind of stuff citizens can't understand, many will only identify that a rule is a rule. Does anyone see the harassment these people are going out of their way to create a problem? This rule deliberately disrupted my sleep. What kind of mood do you think I was in having someone disturb my sleep at 2:18 a.m.? Thankfully I wasn't asleep that long so I was able to control my attitude. These people are running around stating they're just doing their jobs but when it's time to place me in the shower, they do all they can to come up with an excuse not to, the same goes for my rec...anything that denies me is strongly enforced, this isn't work to them.

18-02-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine  

A lot of things are changing behind these walls, for worse. Officers do whatever they want, ranking officers don't try to be fair when addressing problems, it's always the same - officers are always right! It has got so bad now, guards use the rules as an excuse on why they haven't done their work. On some days, I can't get a shower or my rec nor a good shave because the guards haven't done what they're supposed to do. Now, all the lights are turned on at 2:18 a.m. as guards are about to do a head count! It doesn't matter that we, prisoners, are being woken up out of our sleep. All of this began Jan.25. These people still haven't sold anyone any toothpaste nor deodorant in months. I'm doing the best I can with what I have. I'll be out soon, then I'll be forced to use toothpowder, which is something I don't want to do. I see this as just something else to worry me.
Some guard let an inmate out of the shower while officers were on the runway, I was told. This inmate assaulted a guard. How bad? I don't know if the guard was hurt at all. Nevertheless, prison officials use this as an excuse not to shower the whole building the following day! They say something was wrong with the shower - or this is how the inmate got out. They only say this to protect the guard who let the inmate out.
It happens all the time: guards push the wrong button by mistake, no matter, this is how things get covered up. Prison officials are always using human errors to take advantage of the state officials saying their officers aren't safe. This will cause the state to pay out more money adding more guards...who aren't doing a damn thing! It's getting difficult to keep up with this nonsense being  forced upon us, prisoners. The guards now know ranking officials will support anything they tell them, wrong or made up, so most of the guards now aren't trying to do their jobs, the only thing they have to do is shower, rec & feed. They're using security checks, count time, escort mailroom, nurse & restroom runs to disrupt everything they have to do, meaning this is their excuse on why they can't do showers or weren't able to feed or get out recs. The only time I'm allowed to shave is in the shower but when I'm not taken to the shower I'm unable to shave! This is what happened to me yesterday: a sergeant told me I had to shave, he wasn't concerned with the reason why I hadn't shaved. Madness is the only thing to describe this!

31-01-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine  

I'm still settling in, trying to restore things the way they used to be. I have to deal with many new changes all around me - as well as what I'm going through inside.
This lawyer situation has me disturbed, he's not fighting to free me & I don't know what I'm going to do, as if I didn't have enough to worry about.
My birthday was on December 20 - I'm 47 now & I continue to move forward, continuing to deal with the psychological affect of stepping farther into the future - it seems like yesterday we were wishing we could do what other big kids could do, now we're wishing for those days again...

03-01-2013, 00:00 geschreven door Sunshine